Still waiting patiently

The last couple of days have been unusual for me, let me explain. In the past when faced with my fears I have always reacted to them, today I can recognize them, and not react.

When a defect of character has raised its ugly head, my short coming wants to kick in and drive that defect into gear. An example would be of the relationship between hubby and I. Right now he is in a dark and pain driven place. It has been going on for sometime, and I thought it would get better (in my time not Gods). Instead things have progressively gotten worse. He hasn't attended meetings in a very long time, has not studied or worked his program, I don't even know if he is praying to a God of his understanding. He has become withdrawn from the world and me. He has not picked up the bottle, but he hasn't found his solution yet.

I try to communicate with him, not tell him what to do, let him know that I love him and I am here if he wants to talk. But he wants to be left alone, and has said so verbally. So that is what I can give him at the moment while he wrestles with his own demons. For I know today that he really isn't alone. God is carrying him at the moment, watching over him. God never makes a mistake, and from what I may think is a tragedy, always comes a blessing, a lesson, a ray of hope.

In the past I would have harped on him, tried to control the outcome, but not today. This day I want to do God's will, and so I must work my program, stay sober, change and continue to help another. I will love him, though he may not love himself. I will do what I can to stay pleasant, happy, joyous and free so that he may see my example. He did that for me, before I "gave up", "surrendered", hubby had been sober almost 3 years already when I finally hit my bottom. He didn't tell me what to do, or try to control me. He lead me by example by taking care of himself. So now it is my turn, to grow, to learn and to not act on my defects. This is a painful chapter in my life, but I know that God and more growth are in store for me.

So instead of being fearful, anger, restless, irritable and discontent, I have been feeling calm, peaceful and serene - that is the why it has been unusual for me the last couple of days. I will tell you though that I have also been gripped by moments of sadness. Pure, profound, feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest moments of sadness. They are brief, and when they do show up I pray, talk and listen to God. They pass, God answers me through a friend, a stranger, an email or something, but He answers and the sadness dissolves. It is amazing!

I know I had to be of a hopeless state of mind and body to finally surrender. This never changes in anything in life. To find my spiritual contact with God I must surrender to Him. With that surrender comes pain, realization, learning, action, growth and peace.

Thank you God:

For saving me
For the the friends and strangers you put in my path
For hope
love
guidance
understanding
faith
pain
surrender
willingness
honesty
an open mind and heart
and so much more that you know, but I can't express in words.

Love,
Kimberly