God doesn't give me what I want...

But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.

On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.

The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.

God thank you for...

• Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
• For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
• For letting us pack this life full of life
• For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
• Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
  
• For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
  
• For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
• For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
• For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will

Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.

God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.
Kimberly

The Roller Coaster of Life

Well, Life is definitely ever changing, and you never know what is coming over the next hill.

Thank you GOD - I LOVE IT THAT WAY TODAY!

Last evening on my way to lead for the women in a local jail, I was involved in an auto accident. Don't freak out, I didn't, everyone was alright, no injuries or ambulances, our guardian angels were working for us. Many kind people stopped to see if we were okay, if we needed the police called etc...

My car however is out of commission - augh, oh well - so last night after all the statements were taken, all information exchanged, all insurance companies notified, calls returned so no one worried, I crashed into bed and slept like a baby.

This morning I awoke fresh, abet a little sore, to take care of my daily chores, field the calls from claims adjusters, and go rent a car so I can get around. That all taken care of, I can rest and visit with the family and kids (that's what I call the parrots 'my kids'). There is nothing more I can follow up on until Monday, so I am going to enjoy the rest of today.

That is the beauty of working the program of AA for me. Today I don't have to freak out, get worried, lie, manipulate or any of that today. I can do the foot work required of me in life, God will take care of the rest, and I can enjoy this new life. Very Cool!

I hope all are well out there, say a small prayer for a woman named Sara B., and another named Linda K., I know I am praying for them to have the serenity God has given me today.

Love,
Kimberly

Still waiting patiently

The last couple of days have been unusual for me, let me explain. In the past when faced with my fears I have always reacted to them, today I can recognize them, and not react.

When a defect of character has raised its ugly head, my short coming wants to kick in and drive that defect into gear. An example would be of the relationship between hubby and I. Right now he is in a dark and pain driven place. It has been going on for sometime, and I thought it would get better (in my time not Gods). Instead things have progressively gotten worse. He hasn't attended meetings in a very long time, has not studied or worked his program, I don't even know if he is praying to a God of his understanding. He has become withdrawn from the world and me. He has not picked up the bottle, but he hasn't found his solution yet.

I try to communicate with him, not tell him what to do, let him know that I love him and I am here if he wants to talk. But he wants to be left alone, and has said so verbally. So that is what I can give him at the moment while he wrestles with his own demons. For I know today that he really isn't alone. God is carrying him at the moment, watching over him. God never makes a mistake, and from what I may think is a tragedy, always comes a blessing, a lesson, a ray of hope.

In the past I would have harped on him, tried to control the outcome, but not today. This day I want to do God's will, and so I must work my program, stay sober, change and continue to help another. I will love him, though he may not love himself. I will do what I can to stay pleasant, happy, joyous and free so that he may see my example. He did that for me, before I "gave up", "surrendered", hubby had been sober almost 3 years already when I finally hit my bottom. He didn't tell me what to do, or try to control me. He lead me by example by taking care of himself. So now it is my turn, to grow, to learn and to not act on my defects. This is a painful chapter in my life, but I know that God and more growth are in store for me.

So instead of being fearful, anger, restless, irritable and discontent, I have been feeling calm, peaceful and serene - that is the why it has been unusual for me the last couple of days. I will tell you though that I have also been gripped by moments of sadness. Pure, profound, feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest moments of sadness. They are brief, and when they do show up I pray, talk and listen to God. They pass, God answers me through a friend, a stranger, an email or something, but He answers and the sadness dissolves. It is amazing!

I know I had to be of a hopeless state of mind and body to finally surrender. This never changes in anything in life. To find my spiritual contact with God I must surrender to Him. With that surrender comes pain, realization, learning, action, growth and peace.

Thank you God:

For saving me
For the the friends and strangers you put in my path
For hope
love
guidance
understanding
faith
pain
surrender
willingness
honesty
an open mind and heart
and so much more that you know, but I can't express in words.

Love,
Kimberly

Another New Day

Today is another new day in this new life I've been given - how awesome!

The last couple of weeks have been really busy, which is good, but then I miss doing certain things, like keeping up with this blog. Oh well, I've learned that God puts me exactly where and when He wants me, for a reason today - and that is really COOL!

I've been doing quite a few leads, which I don't mind doing, they are an honor and privilege today. To think someone wants me to stay around today is a blessing. Each lead has been different in feeling and what parts of my story I'm sharing, I can see my God's hand in each lead today, and know that I am doing His will.

Last night was especially heartfelt, I'm not sure why, other than that's where God wanted it to go. I am a real alcoholic as described in the Big Book. I suffered from a hopeless state of mind and body when I got to AA. I didn't come in through treatment centers, I wasn't a guest of the courts, I didn't lose financial stability, but I lost something far greater than all those things. I had lost my soul, and my spirituality. I remember at the age of 8, telling God I hated Him and didn't need Him anymore, "go take care of everything else, but I got my life handled. I don't need you." My Grandma R, had died, and she was the center of my small world. It didn't matter that she'd been ill and in pain for many years, my selfish little heart just wanted her here. When God took her home, I turned my back on Him.

I had alcoholic thinking before I even picked up that first drink. The lies, selfishness, manipulative conning, the using of people for my own ends started way back even before the age of 8. I didn't learn this from my parents, they are loving people who taught me wrong from right, instilled in me good behavior and habits, they taught me the value of an honest days work. I knew in my heart what was wrong and right, I just chose to ignore it and go my own way. That way was filled with pain, heart ache, remorse, anger, fear, sadness. When I finally picked up my first drink I thought I had arrived. I felt beautiful, happy, and was a social butterfly. It helped me to talk, dance, do things I was to scared to try without it.

Alcohol was my solution at the time. Hindsight today shows me it was a poor solution, but it was the only one that worked for me at that time. Alcohol became my friend, confident, lover, fighter, defender, excuse, reason, and more. It took me places, as a women, I should have never been. I should have been killed, stabbed, shot, raped on so many different occasions it's not funny. God was watching over me, he didn't abandon me, but still I didn't see it, I thought I was 6'4" (really 5'4") and bullet proof. I showed no fear, and someone help you, if you made me angry, because I was a fighter. I didn't care how big you were I knew how to take you down, and would. I don't share this because I'm proud of that fact, but to share with you who I was and where alcohol took me.

Drinking was the center of my world, it was the most important when I did anything. I'd go to the beach- pack the cooler, go to the store - take a cup, go to a water park - another cooler, go golfing - there's my buddy alcohol. It was number one in my life. I was a daily drinker, I thought I deserved it, I work hard. I don't think I was at the point where I lost my decision to put it down yet, I just didn't want to, and then somewhere I crossed that line. The thought "don't drink tonight" never crossed my mind. I didn't suffer from hangovers until almost the end, and at the time was really proud of that fact -"ya bunch of light weights, learn how to drink". I know now that was because I was intoxicated most of the time, I never sobered up enough to have a hang over.

Well, the last 2 years and 8 months of my drinking spiraled out of control. My husband, who drank like I did, went to rehab and started going to AA meetings. He got himself a home group, a sponsor, started reading the Big Book and working his steps. He stayed sober and did what he needed to do. I felt abandoned, alone and I spiraled out of control into self pity and resentment. He never once said to me "please don't drink, do you think you need AA, stop drinking", he let me be and took care of his sobriety. My routine was this every day; crawl out of bed at 4:30 am, get to work by 7:30 am, work till 7:30 pm, go home, grab a case of beer (along with about half a bottle of Tequila) and drink that till I almost passed out, then crawl back into bed and do it all over again.

Finally on June 19th of 2002 it all came to a crashing halt. It was the first and only time he asked me not to drink. It was his birthday, and he wanted to go out later, just the two of us. I remember saying "Yea, sure no problem." I meant it to that day, but as soon as the door shut and he went to take a nap. My brain kicked into gear, "There's only two beers in that fridge. Two aren't gonna hurt ya". So two beers and at least a couple of 72 oz. Rum and cokes later I'm down at the pool in the sun.

I feel a shadow fall across me, it's him. He says not a word, the look says it all. The black hole in my soul, the spiritual sickness that is empty and I cannot fill with anything - explodes. I finally see what my drinking is doing to another. I had lived so long in denial, and indifference, this actual feeling seared me to the bone. So, I did what any normal alcoholic does. I went after him with every reason, excuse, or con I could think of to make it okay. I kept at him until I pushed the right buttons of anger.

I don't even remember what was said, I do remember crying so hard I was heaving. He walked away, and my brain wasn't done yet "You know, you're making everyone miserable. Why don't you just kill yourself so they can move on and be happy." I believed my brain that day, and started to take his pain meds, the whole bottle down the hatch. Everything will be okay now. But God had something else in mind that day, and I thank Him for never leaving me.

Hubby walked back in the room, saw what I was doing, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and made me puke it all up. He looked at me and said "You know what you need to do, you know where you need to go to get help." He walked away again, and as I sat on the bed on my hands and knees, no more tears, numb from the pain, I said the first honest thing I ever had in over 25 years, "God I give up, I need Your help! I can't even kill myself, I don't know what to do."

And so my journey began. The solution of using alcohol wasn't working, and I found something that worked for me. That solution for me is God and AA. AA didn't promise me they would show me how to stay sober, they promised to show me how to live this new life that God has blessed me with. Living life today is my solution, I do it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, but I live it today with my God.

I have heard it said before, but I believe this to be true for me.
"God lead me to A.A., and A.A. lead me back to God."
I thank all of you!

Love,
Kimberly

I danced...

Well I said I'd catch up, so I'll give it my best to recap. Thursday I spent time with friends, talking and visiting, listening and joking - it was fun as always. Finished up those last minute errands. Friday was home time with hubby, hanging out, relaxing watching movies.

Saturday was especially good. I went to a morning meeting for a change, and God wanted me right there. As usual, He puts people in my life, even if they are brief, for reasons I might not always understand. Today that's okay.

I heard a wonderful women share her experience, strength, and hope with us. First off she looked like she could have been my first sponsors twin sister, it was uncanny.

Her story is like so many of ours. She shared one particular story I found very funny. She said one Halloween she dressed up as a clown - white face paint, big shoes, red foam nose - went to the bar, of course, got good and drunk. She then decided she would go the back way home instead of the freeway, no sense in flagging the cops her way. So here she is in the middle of nowhere, and she ends up in a ditch on some farmers property. She's throwing the car in forward and reverse desperately trying to budge the car out of the mud, and it's not happening.

She's thinking what am I going to do? All the sudden, "tap, tap, tap" on her window. She rolls down the window and it's a tow truck driver. He looks at her and says, "Farmer Ted said there was some clown stuck out in his ditch, he wasn't kidding."

I thought that was very funny, but on to some real strong things I heard. One she reminded me that God gave me lots of things. He's already instilled in me love, tolerance, patience and understanding, but it is only how willing I am to use them and stay out of self that helps me stay out of resentment. She also shared how we paid for our seat in AA, with loss of material things, families, friends, lively hoods even our soul. We had to struggle to get here, and with that knowledge we have to realize that sometimes others need to struggle also. Everything I went through brought me to where I am today.

She used this analogy - "When a butterfly gets ready to hatch out of it's pupae. It will slowly emerge. It's abdomen nice and fat, and it's wings all shriveled up. When it struggles out of it's cocoon, it forces the blood to it's wings. They grow, and struggle some more, rest, grow and struggle some more. The wings unfurl, and the butterfly rests for a while before it starts it's journey. A friend of hers was raising Monarchs for the kids in her class. All year they waited, and finally on the last day of school, 20 minutes before they were to go home one of the butterflys started to emerge. Well there was no way he was going to be out for the kids before they left, so the teacher decided to help the butterfly along. She pulled the pupae out, and carefully with scissor cut it open. She pulled the butterfly from the pupae and set him down, but he didn't make it, he died. She had tried to rush him and he wasn't able to struggle his way out."

We are much the same as that butterfly. We struggle and grow, and struggle some more, we rest and learn, and eventually our wings unfurl and we begin our journey, but to do so we had to struggle first. We had to get here in our own time, and sometimes, when it's a loved one we want to do what we think is best, but it's Gods decision not ours.

Tonight, I heard a friend, and I call him an old timer but he may disagree, lead. It was the first time I had heard his story. We have shared many discussions together, and I've learned so much from him about life and the program of AA. He helped keep me sober one more day. His wife, also in the program, has helped me and many other women tremendously. I reach out to both of them a lot, and I love them both so dearly. I've only known them since I moved back here to Ohio, but I feel like we have been friends for years. I hear my story come from their lips, and the solutions they have found along the way help us. I hear them in the people they sponsor. It's amazing how we keep passing it on.

Tonight, he summed up exactly how I felt at my worst. "I didn't just stand at the gates of Hell. I went in and did the dance, and then couldn't claw my way out until I came to AA. - Pat F."

I remember how dark my soul was, I had become spirituality, and emotionally bankrupt. That even when my best idea was to take my own life, and I couldn't even do that right. That I had no more ideas and nowhere else to go. I found hope in the rooms and program of AA. That those 12 Steps and 12 Traditions were to strip me of my ego, and teach me to get out of self. That reaching out to others would keep me sober for one more day. That praying to a God of my understanding, not my mothers, fathers or your understanding but mine, would fill that hole I had been trying to fill with booze. Booze was my lover, my friend, my accomplice, my devil and doom. It meant more to me then anything. I couldn't function with it or without it. But slowly, steadily, I listened to others and shut my mouth. I did what was suggested because I had nowhere else to go, and no good ideas left.

Things have changed so much, and continue to every day. I came back from that dance in Hell I took, but it was you who helped me do that. I reached out to you and you grabbed hold of me to help. God I thank you for "US", because alone is so very lonely, and it doesn't have to be that way today.

So I'm wrapping this up. I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! Try and have patience, love, tolerance, and understanding toward your fellows. This is a tough holiday for so many people, even ones who don't have a program. I try to remember that I don't know what others are experiencing in their life at this exact moment. That they may not have the tools or even a God of their own understanding that we have, that they may just be having a rough time or bad day. So smile, even something so small can change a life.

Love and Blessings,
Kimberly

Feeling Frisky...

Wow! I have been in an extra, super duper (i know, corny), terrific, frisky mood! It's been a really great week, and there is no particular reason. It just is what it is, not good or bad.

The weird thing is the last couple of days I've been at various stores out and about, and I've seen some of the most unhappy, angry people I've ever seen. I know it must be from the holidays coming up, the stress others feel, so I just keep putting on my happy face. In fact yesterday the deli guy commented on it. This is how it went... I went up to get some sliced Maple Ham. I thought hot grilled cheese (cheese oozing, of course) with ham would be awesome and a cup of rich tomato soup (made with milk, of course) would be awesome, and I knew hubby would be in heaven. So as I approach the counter a very nice man smiled at me and asked, "How are you today?" I replied, "I am awesome! It's been a great week!" He looked surprised, then asked "Really why?" "No particular reason, I'm just grateful and thankful for everything. I feel good and want to spread that cheer." He was surprised still, and said he'd had a lot of customers, unhappy ones, with numerous problems. I think he was a little cheered when I left his counter, he was smiling at least.

I know that my mood can effect others around me, I've seen me do it before. It's not because I'm all that or something, but I remember how I would go out of my way to dwell on the negative, push every button I could, and justify my thinking it was right to make every one around me as miserable as I felt. Today, I don't want to feel that ick anymore, and I definitely don't want to share it with others. That doesn't mean life is a big happy smiling face, because it isn't all the time. I have problems, and challenges in my life just like every one else, but my attitude is what starts my day.

If I start out cranky, and don't do anything to lift my mood before my feet hit the floor, I'll be quiet around others and vent my frustrations (generally, out on hubby). If I start out in a good mood, I still do something to ensure that it will stay with me all day. That "something" is talking to God in the morning. I talk to him like I do my friends, let my mind wander over various things going on in life, then I stop and listen, relax and really feel my surroundings. Either way He helps me start my day, I decide whether to be cranky (self-will run riot) or content and happy (His will for me). The longer I live these steps actively, the less days of crankdom I have, but they are never gone completely and that's cool today.

I had a lot of different things go on this week. Monday was my birthday, it was pretty calm. Tuesday I got up real early, ran some errands, visited with a sponsee, delivered some help and maybe a little hope to a family in need. Shopped for some new leathers and found exactly what I want for my birthday from hubby. Scrambled home with dinner and went to a great meeting. Came home, hung out with the birds and then crashed into bed.

The errands were no big deal, it was the last little bit of Christmas shopping I had to do. Visiting with the sponsee was the big part of my day. She's really going through a challenging part of her life right now. She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen, she has grown so much in the last year in her program, and in her quest for finding God, she is one of the funniest people I've ever had the pleasure to hang with, and she helps keep me sober another day. The place she works is not very nice, they don't treat any of their employees fairly, nor their patients, and have had a lot of people just up and quit. This is where her stress comes in, trying to cover extra shifts, doing her job well and putting up with the stress trickling down from her bosses. She tells me how tired she is, and that she doesn't feel well, but she doesn't have to, because I can hear it in her voice and see it in her face. So we talked for quite a while, and came up with some solutions to her problems. She's been feeling much better, and is excited because she's off on Saturday.

Wednesday I didn't want to get up, my body said "oohhh, stay in this nice warm cozy bed." So I did for quite a while. Then I got up meandered around the house, read some blogs, left some comments. Then I heard the couch (yes, I'm loco in la cabasa), "kimmmiiieee, kimmie, you know you want to crash on me, come lay down and snuggle with a good book." So I crashed for a while. My body just needed a day of rest, and today I listen. Going full tilt, like a whirling dervish, I can stop and listen to my body and rest. It felt wonderful to just hang out at home.

The parrots were estatic! Bomber talked all day. He has quite the repertoire. This is some of his litany of phrases: "Wanna go outside, come on baby. Wanna go outside - Chelsea", "Brrr" "Whatsa matter - hmmmm? Are you okay?" "Are you pretty, pretty, pretty - oh look how pprreetttty!" "And up, and up, work those thighs - work'em" This one his old owner liked to work out to videos (get your mind out of the gutter). And one of my all time favorites "bap ba bap ba baaa - SUPERBIRD!" He sticks his head way out and says this one rather proudly. He loves to talk during the movies, and phone conversations, he sounds and acts like he's a part and it's pretty funny. He's been quite a blessing to me, but is on hubby's short list, especially since he bit him again that day.

Tretoe played in my lap, chortling, clicking, and whistling away. Running under the pillow between my leg and the chair. Climbing back up on my shoulder, under my hair, nibbling on my ear. I swear he thinks I'm his personal chew toy. He was so happy, his eyes dilating like crazy, his tail flashing. He started my day with a laugh anyway. I'm laying in bed, and I hear him whistle for me. He whistles like when you call a dog to you, or are trying to get someones attention. It made me chuckle, he was telling me to get my lazy butt moving that he wanted fed and attention. He also does the wolf whistle, and tells ya to "C'mere" in this little squeaky voice.

Cocoa, she is plain loco! Running all over the floor, up the chair, down the chair, back and forth between hubby and I, round and round, across the floor and back, she's a lunatic child, and wears me out just watching her. She is the clown, the animated one of the group, and is pretty damn entertaining in her own way. In fact, all three are better than TV any day.

They did all eventually settle down, and had their afternoon nap with hubby. Tretoe asleep in my hair, Cocoa on hubby's leg as he snored away, and Bomber, assuming the position, one leg up, head tucked on his favorite rope perch. I felt very content and very blessed.

There still is so much more to share, but I've rambled on enough for now. I think I'm gonna take care of some chores around the house, sauna, and then hubby and I are gonna spend some time at home together tonight. I love you all and thank God for all the blessings in my life. Have a great day!

Love,
Kimberly

Carrying a burden

Morning everyone! A couple of friends shared this with me this morning, and I thought it was great and appropriate for the holiday season - enjoy.

STRESS

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

So my friend put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

• Always read stuff that will make you look good in case you die in the middle of it.

• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply being kind to others.

• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

• Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance.

• Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

• The second mouse gets the cheese.

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

• We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

These Gifts...

I heard so many times when I became newly sober that we would receive wonderful gifts of sobriety, and promises would be fulfilled. (I believe (?) there are 164 promises made in the Big Book). So many of them have come true for me today. I am a recovered alcoholic and that recovery depends on my daily maintenance, and conscious contact of a God of my understanding. Maintenance being the key word!

maintenance: the act of maintaining: the means of support, the upkeep.

I need to do upkeep on my daily life, just like my car if I want to keep it running smooth and efficiently. But just like my car, I will occasionally have a hiccup, and need to go in for a tune up. That's where the fellowship comes in, reaching out to others, receiving and using suggestions that people have experienced and found in the Big Book. They help keep those hiccups away or at least guide me so I don't have to fall.

So now I'd like to go back to the promises. It has been a wonderful couple of days. I did my lead on Tuesday and God walked with me the whole way. A small group from my area came to surprise and support me, it was an awesome example in unselfishness. I also got to see some people I hadn't seen in while, and got to find out how they were doing. One man that I had met in his early sobriety was there, he said he was struggling, but we both agreed he was in the right place - at a meeting! I received wonderful feedback from my lead. Today, it's really cool that I can hear, and that I still remain teachable. I still want what I see in other peoples eyes, in their demeanors, and I know they got it from taking daily action in their sobriety.

Wednesday night I heard a lead from a wonderful man who does a lot for people in AA. He's very active, attends a lot of different meetings. Our paths cross a lot because we both do this. The joke between us is "I get around, but it's in a good way today!" He's a gentle soul, and like so many of us was committing a slow suicide. Today, we can help others, reach out to newcomers, have fun in sobriety, and lead by example. I thank God for placing him in my path.

Tonight the girls from my Spiritual Thursday nights came over for a food get together. It was awesome, I think I put on 5 lbs. just tonight. We had pasta salad, these awesome little quiches with avocado and cheese, and mushroom brie, sausage and peppers, meets and cheeses, broccoli salad, Japanese Nikujaga (potato style) soup, candy and really good sugar cookies. We shared wonderful company, jokes, and laughed, complained how tired we were, and that it was still OK. Ms. P made all of us girls Embroidered t-shirts with our group name and start date of the meeting - they are beautiful with an intricate cross. What a thoughtful and beautiful gift. The thing I loved most tonight was the laughter, and gentle and sometimes bawdy conversation that carried on through the evening. These women give me so much - hope, strength, guidance, love, understanding, laughter, peace, friendship - I feel like I'm about to burst with joy!

The promises laid out in the Big Book have and continue to come true for me everyday. If you had asked me 5 1/2 years ago what I wanted in sobriety, I would have ssoooo short changed myself. The blessings I have today are unfathomable, and more continue to appear the longer I actively maintain my sobriety.

Thank you, to all who have gone before me, to those who trudge along with me, and for the unknowns that will be revealed to me on this journey called life.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Giving Back What Is So Freely Given

Well, I'm back on the circuit again. Oh, I don't mind at all, God gave me November off to be thankful, grateful and time to reflect on all that has happened this last year. I'm leading tonight for a wonderful woman at her home group. This is one of the oldest and larger home groups, so yes I'm nervous, but that's okay. I think we should always be nervous, at least a little, keeps us honest. Once I turn my will over to God, and we start with the Serenity Prayer, He takes over and speaks through me with my experience, strength, and hope. I relax a little and He provides us with what we need for the evening.

There has been a lot of change in just the last couple of months. It amazes me how much we grow together, constantly learning, gaining new experience on this journey called life. We had an interesting topic last night - A newcomer asked, "How do I live life on lifes terms? I'm lonely, still unsure." We shared that 1) We are never alone, the God of our understanding is with us all the time. We just need to reach out to Him. 2) We work with our sponsor and actively apply the 12 Steps to our life. 3) We reach out to other women, both for help and to help. 4) We get active in our fellowship, meaning helping whenever possible, not just showing up.

We do not search out another to fill our needs or use for our wants. This is detrimental to ourself and others. This is an important time in our sobriety, at the beginning, many of us shared how we tried dating early in sobriety and it never worked out, because we didn't know how to live, let alone love someone else. We are going to be experiencing great amounts of change in our first year if we actively apply those 12 Steps to our life. We are finding out who we are, establishing a conscious contact with a God of our understanding, being fearless and thorough about our lives, making amends, working on character defects, becoming active, and helping others - whew! Sounds like a lot! But it is worth it all, if we can become well for the loved ones around us, or for the future relationships to come.

It's said many times in meetings "don't date for the first year, women stick with women, men stick with men, don't make any major changes the first year, etc..." I'm sure you've heard them all, no where in the Big Book does it tell us to not do any of these things. These sayings came about because of others experiences, sharing what they learned so others may not make the same mistakes they do, but they don't always apply to all. The suggestion for our sexual conduct can be found on pages 67-69 of Alcoholics Anonymous (you'll have to look it up if you want the answer).

We all get feelings of loneliness from time to time even in sobriety, it's called feeling our emotions. Today we want to feel all of these emotions instead of numbing them with alcohol or drugs. We want to feel overwhelming joy, grief, contentment, anger, peace, despair, hope and so much more. It is part of our life today, the journey is more important then the destination. I know from my experience that I will grieve, that I will have moments of pure joy and happiness, I will feel frustration and anger, but it is what I do with those feelings that is different today. It is important for me to "think, think, think", before I open my mouth or act on impulse for I do not wish to cause others injury. Do I do this gracefully and all the time - NO, I am human, just trying to do my best for today. That is all the God of my understanding asks of me.

So, tonight, I will do my best for God, ask Him to guide me where He wants me to be so I may help another. Thank you for all you have given me, all you have taken from me, and for this journey. Without Gods Undeserved Mercy I would not be alive today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

F.E.A.R.

Morning!

It's been a wonderful, busy past couple of days. I got to buy some gifts for people for Christmas, spend some time with a really great friend, play and talk with a couple of parrots, hold a beautiful Corn Snake a certain special young man is getting for Christmas, laugh and enjoy this busy holiday time of the year. Something I never did in the past.

Today, I am going to help another friend bake cookies for a children's home. The home is having a Christmas party this week for the kids. They will get to see Santa, have good food and cookies, hear a Christmas story and make a craft, and a group of people donated 30 bicycles for these kids on top of everything else - how awesome is that! I believe that is truly the spirit of Christmas, and we get to spread it around all year long today.

A lot of us have heard acronyms for words in the program, but I heard one for F.E.A.R. the other day that really stood out to me. F - false, E - evidence, A - appears, R - real.

How many times did something I know wasn't true get twisted to suit my means and become a reality? How many times did I not bother to find out the truth from the false? It all stems back to my fears in life, whether they were prompted by selfishness, jealousy, anger, etc.., I would twist things to suit my needs. Today, when I don't know the answer, I search it out, I don't have "contempt prior to investigation". If I don't know the answer, I'll tell you I don't! I push my ego and pride off to the side, and we can look for it together (getting us out of self). I don't want to make false evidence appear real today. Today I want to learn - I have become teachable, and want to stay that way.

Thank you God for all the things you put in my path. I know I am right where You want me to be today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

We tried and we died.....

BBRRRR! It's cold and snowy this morning! Got the first real serious snow of the year, everything is sleeping, and waiting for spring. It's always so peaceful when it snows, it's one of my favorite things about it, that and it coats everything in a white blanket - very pretty.

The post today was given to me by my first sponsor Pam. It's a serious one, and really good, that's why I saved it for last. This is in memory of all those who have gone before us without help, and to those still sick and suffering out there who have hope today. God Bless you all and have a wonderful day.

Love,
Kimberly

DRUNKS

We died of pneumonia in furnished rooms where they found us three days later when somebody complained about the smell.

We died against bridge abutments and nobody knew if it was suicide, and we probably didn't know either, except in the sense that it was always suicide.

We died in hospitals, our stomachs huge, and distended, and there was nothing they could do.

We died in cells, never knowing whether we were guilty or not.

We went to priests, they gave us pledges, they told us to pray, they told us to go and sin no more, but go.

We tried and we died.

We died of overdoses, we died in bed.

We died in straitjackets, in the DT's seeing God knows what, creeping, skittering, slithering, shuffling things.

And you know what the worst thing was? The worst thing was that nobody ever believed how hard we tried.

We went to doctors, and they gave us stuff to take that would make us sick when we drank, on the principle of "this is so crazy, it just might work", I guess, or maybe they just shook their heads and sent us to places like Dropkick Murphy's.

And when we got out we were hooked on paraldehyde, or maybe we lied to the doctors and they told us not to drink so much, just drink like them.

And we tried, and we died.

We drowned in our own vomit, or choked on it, our broken jaws wired shut.

We died playing Russian Roulette, and people thought we'd lost, but we knew better.

We died under the hoofs of horses, under the wheels of vehicles, under the knives and boot heels of our brother drunks.

We died in shame.

And you know what was even worse, was that we couldn't believe it ourselves, that we had tried.

We figured we just thought we tried, and we died believing that we hadn't tried, believing that we didn't know what it meant to try.

When we were desperate enough or hopeful or deluded or embattled enough to go for help, we went to people with letters after their names, and prayed that they might have read the right books, that had the right words in them, never suspecting the terrifying truth, that the right words, as simple as they were, had not been written yet.

We died falling off girders on high buildings, because of course, ironworkers drink, of course they do.

We died with a shotgun in our mouth, or jumping off a bridge, and everybody knew it was suicide.

We died under the Southeast Expressway, with our hands tied behind us and a bullet in the back of our head, because this time the people that we disappointed were the wrong people.

We died in convulsions, or of "insult to the brain", we died incontinent, and in disgrace, abandoned.

If we were women, we died degraded, because women have so much more to live up to.

We tried and we died and nobody cried (or so we thought).

And the very worst thing was, that for every one of us that died, there were another hundred of us, or another thousand, who wished that we could die, who went to sleep praying we would not have to wake up because what we were enduring was intolerable, and we knew in our hearts it wasn't ever gonna change.

One day in a hospital room in New York City, one of us had what the books call a transforming spiritual experience, and he said to himself "I've got it" (no, you haven't, you've only got part of it) "and I have to share it" (now you've ALMOST got it) and he kept trying to give it away, but we couldn't hear it.

We tried and we died.

We died of one last cigarette, the comfort of its glowing in the dark. We passed out and the bed caught on fire. They said we suffocated before our body burned, they said we never felt a thing, that was the best way maybe that we died, except sometimes we took our family with us.

And the man in New York was so sure he had it, he tried to love us into sobriety, but that didn't work either, love confuses drunks and he tried and we still died.

One after another we got his hopes up, and we broke his heart, because that's what we do.

And the worst thing was, that every time we thought we knew what the worst thing was, something happened that was worse.

Until a day came in a hotel lobby, and it wasn't in Rome or Jerusalem or Mecca, or even Dublin or South Boston, it was in Akron, Ohio, for Christ's sake.

A day came when the man said "I have to find a drunk, because I need him as much as he needs me" (NOW you've got it).

And the transmission line, after all those years, was open, the transmission line was open.

And now we don't go to priests, and we don't go to doctors, or people with letters after their names. We come to people who have been there, we come to each other.

And we try.

And we don't have to die.

– Anonymous

This is the one story Pam gave me, and we never figured out where it came from. Whoever you are, thank you.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Never Alone

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off, and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.

Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. 'My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.'

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.

'My husband passed away eight days ago,' I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. 'Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.'

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear, a soft halo encircled her blond hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. 'These are for you,' she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. 'When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for.' She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was His angel.

Thank you friend for sending me this, I know I'm never alone.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Three Things

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back...
Time, Words, Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost...
Peace, Hope, Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable...
Love, Self-Confidence, Friends

Three things in life that are never certain...
Dreams, Success, Fortune

Three things that make a person...
Hard Work, Sincerity, Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a person...
Resentment, Pride, Anger

Three things that are truly constant...
God, Self, Others

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg — not by smashing it." — Arnold Glasow

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Gifts from Pam & Sue

Morning! I hadn't read some of these tidbits, poems and stories in a while, but I remember who gave them to me. Pam (my sponsor from CA) sends me many words of encouragement and hope, I asked God and Most Caring are from her.

Beauty Regime was given to me by Bob R., Sue's husband. I meet them both in my Calif. AA meeting, they were a loving AA couple with many, many years of sobriety, and touched many, many lives. They both will always have a special place in my heart, here is why... Sue had an aneurysm in the morning meeting, it happened right in front of me. She grabbed my hand, sat down, and said she didn't feel well. Her face turned flushed, and she was sweating profusely. I tried to comfort her, and get her help, others called 911, and prayers started immediately. She looked me in the eye and said, "Please call Bob, tell him I love him, that I worry about him, but I know he knows the right thing to do." She passed out after that, and never woke again. Over the next couple of days there was tons of prayer, and sharing of how much she had given so much of us. I was given one last task by God and Sue, and that was to relay a message to Bob.

This all had happened on Friday, and I was leaving town Tuesday. No one could get a hold of him, and I patiently waited, worried I wouldn't be able to see him before I left to relay a last message. My husband told me not worry, he would relay the message if I could not, and so I accepted that. Monday morning Bob walked into the meeting with his family. It was a very heartfelt meeting, full of love, compassion, understanding and hope. Bob sat quietly with his kids and listened, at the end of the meeting he thanked everyone. I swallowed hard, and asked God to not let me cry until I relayed Sue last words, and God was there for us. As I approached Bob he took one look at me and said, "You were the one with her." "Yes, and she wanted you to know - "I love you, that I worry about you, but I know you know the right thing to do." He thanked me, and gave me the biggest bear hug, and tears rolled down are checks.

Two weeks later Bob gave me the poem Beauty Regime, he had been going through Sue's things. She had many poems from over the years, she was a school teacher, and he continued finding more in dressers, books, cupboards and such. He said this poem reminded him of Sue and me, and that it was one of her favorites kept on the dresser. I pass it out to woman still today, and thank Sue, Bob and God for the lesson I learned in early sobriety about hope, love, compassion, accountability, and reaching out to others.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

I ASKED GOD...

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve...

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things...

I was given sickness, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy...

I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men...

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life...

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men, most richly blessed!


BEAUTY REGIME

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

MOST CARING

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.

Twinkle in your eye...

You walk in the room, and your eyes light it up.
You've got something I want, a peace, a serene calm, a huge smile.
You share your story with me, and it's very funny.
You're as crazy in the head as me, and I feel at home near you.
You know how serious this life is, and you don't downplay that fact.
You share your story with me, and it gives me hope.
I see that we're still crazy, but today it's in a different kind of way.
You see me walk in the room, and your eyes light up.
You tell me kid, I think you got what you want.
- me

Saw Ab last night, it was so good to see him. He's feeling really good for being 150 years old (ha ha - he's really in his 80s). His share was awesome as always, I never grow tired of hearing him. I'm like him in the fact, that I too want to laugh today. Back when I was drinking, I found very damn little to giggle about, let alone be happy. Today, right now, this moment is all I have, and I am going to make the most of it all. He always tells me "You don't have to do what I did to get here, (he drank for 40 yrs) there is hope. You don't have to loose it all - family, friends, business, etc..." I know what he says is true to, I see people at different bottoms coming in all the time, and finding the help they need. He almost always shares this story, and I'm going to pass it on because I think it's a really good one. I hope you enjoy.

"The wisest man in the world"
There once was the wisest man in the world, and he lived on the highest mountain. One day two little boys thought, "We'll trick that wise man, and show him who's smarter." The two little boys said, "We'll catch a little bird, and when we go to the wise man, we'll ask him what is in our hands?" "He will reply a bird." Then we'll answer him, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" If he says, "It's dead, we'll let the little bird go, if he says it's alive, we'll crush it and kill it, proving him wrong either way." We'll show him who's the wisest. So they catch the little bird, and up the mountain they go.

The boys get to the top, and they have the little bird in their hands. They ask him, "Old man what do we hold in our hands?" The man replies, "You hold life." The boys ask, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" The man replies, "That's up to you, it's in your hands."

Today, I know that my sobriety is in my hands, with God and AA's help, I have the power to choose "Life or death." Today, even when it gets tough like it is right now, I choose LIFE. Thank you God, and thanks to all the Angels you sent before me to help me today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly