I've got no idea where I'm going with this, but I thought it might be fun. Which is really the way life should be. It took me a while to figure that out, so now I guess I'll share with you how I got here. I can't guarantee how up to date I'll keep this, well, cuz, I'm busy living life...
But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.
On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.
The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.
God thank you for...
Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
For letting us pack this life full of life
For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will
Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.
God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given. Kimberly
The Maker of all Human Beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the mind and body. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Alcoholism, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as defects of character, as it is primarily expressed.
Some symptoms include: 1. Anger 2. Self-pity 3. Dishonesty 4. Impatience 5. False pride 6. Fear 7. Resentment 8. Laziness 9. Envy 10. Insincerity 11. Intolerance 12. Selfishness
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct these shortcomings.
The Repair Technician, herein referred to as God as you understand Him, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required. The number to call for repair in all areas is: 1-800-P-R-A-Y-E R. Once connected, please upload your burden of shortcomings through the inventory procedure.
Next, download forgiveness from the Repair Technician, God as you understand Him, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the defect of character is, God will replace it with: 1. Love 2. Self-forgetfulness 3. Honesty 4. Patience 5. Humility 6. Faith 7. Forgiveness 8. Action 9. Generosity 10. Compassion 11. Tolerance 12. Service
Alcoholics Anonymous--the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
For free emergency service, call on your sponsor.
DANGER: The human being units never responding to this recall action will be doomed to repeat this cycle unless they follow the few simple rules above.
Thank you for your attention! GOD
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and that they may contact Him any time by "knee mail." The Twelfth Tradition is a recapitulation of the previous eleven.
I thought this was humorous, but also very true. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did. Have a great day, I know that I am because God is walking with again today!
The last couple of days have been unusual for me, let me explain. In the past when faced with my fears I have always reacted to them, today I can recognize them, and not react.
When a defect of character has raised its ugly head, my short coming wants to kick in and drive that defect into gear. An example would be of the relationship between hubby and I. Right now he is in a dark and pain driven place. It has been going on for sometime, and I thought it would get better (in my time not Gods). Instead things have progressively gotten worse. He hasn't attended meetings in a very long time, has not studied or worked his program, I don't even know if he is praying to a God of his understanding. He has become withdrawn from the world and me. He has not picked up the bottle, but he hasn't found his solution yet.
I try to communicate with him, not tell him what to do, let him know that I love him and I am here if he wants to talk. But he wants to be left alone, and has said so verbally. So that is what I can give him at the moment while he wrestles with his own demons. For I know today that he really isn't alone. God is carrying him at the moment, watching over him. God never makes a mistake, and from what I may think is a tragedy, always comes a blessing, a lesson, a ray of hope.
In the past I would have harped on him, tried to control the outcome, but not today. This day I want to do God's will, and so I must work my program, stay sober, change and continue to help another. I will love him, though he may not love himself. I will do what I can to stay pleasant, happy, joyous and free so that he may see my example. He did that for me, before I "gave up", "surrendered", hubby had been sober almost 3 years already when I finally hit my bottom. He didn't tell me what to do, or try to control me. He lead me by example by taking care of himself. So now it is my turn, to grow, to learn and to not act on my defects. This is a painful chapter in my life, but I know that God and more growth are in store for me.
So instead of being fearful, anger, restless, irritable and discontent, I have been feeling calm, peaceful and serene - that is the why it has been unusual for me the last couple of days. I will tell you though that I have also been gripped by moments of sadness. Pure, profound, feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest moments of sadness. They are brief, and when they do show up I pray, talk and listen to God. They pass, God answers me through a friend, a stranger, an email or something, but He answers and the sadness dissolves. It is amazing!
I know I had to be of a hopeless state of mind and body to finally surrender. This never changes in anything in life. To find my spiritual contact with God I must surrender to Him. With that surrender comes pain, realization, learning, action, growth and peace.
Thank you God:
For saving me For the the friends and strangers you put in my path For hope love guidance understanding faith pain surrender willingness honesty an open mind and heart and so much more that you know, but I can't express in words.
Today is another new day in this new life I've been given - how awesome!
The last couple of weeks have been really busy, which is good, but then I miss doing certain things, like keeping up with this blog. Oh well, I've learned that God puts me exactly where and when He wants me, for a reason today - and that is really COOL!
I've been doing quite a few leads, which I don't mind doing, they are an honor and privilege today. To think someone wants me to stay around today is a blessing. Each lead has been different in feeling and what parts of my story I'm sharing, I can see my God's hand in each lead today, and know that I am doing His will.
Last night was especially heartfelt, I'm not sure why, other than that's where God wanted it to go. I am a real alcoholic as described in the Big Book. I suffered from a hopeless state of mind and body when I got to AA. I didn't come in through treatment centers, I wasn't a guest of the courts, I didn't lose financial stability, but I lost something far greater than all those things. I had lost my soul, and my spirituality. I remember at the age of 8, telling God I hated Him and didn't need Him anymore, "go take care of everything else, but I got my life handled. I don't need you." My Grandma R, had died, and she was the center of my small world. It didn't matter that she'd been ill and in pain for many years, my selfish little heart just wanted her here. When God took her home, I turned my back on Him.
I had alcoholic thinking before I even picked up that first drink. The lies, selfishness, manipulative conning, the using of people for my own ends started way back even before the age of 8. I didn't learn this from my parents, they are loving people who taught me wrong from right, instilled in me good behavior and habits, they taught me the value of an honest days work. I knew in my heart what was wrong and right, I just chose to ignore it and go my own way. That way was filled with pain, heart ache, remorse, anger, fear, sadness. When I finally picked up my first drink I thought I had arrived. I felt beautiful, happy, and was a social butterfly. It helped me to talk, dance, do things I was to scared to try without it.
Alcohol was my solution at the time. Hindsight today shows me it was a poor solution, but it was the only one that worked for me at that time. Alcohol became my friend, confident, lover, fighter, defender, excuse, reason, and more. It took me places, as a women, I should have never been. I should have been killed, stabbed, shot, raped on so many different occasions it's not funny. God was watching over me, he didn't abandon me, but still I didn't see it, I thought I was 6'4" (really 5'4") and bullet proof. I showed no fear, and someone help you, if you made me angry, because I was a fighter. I didn't care how big you were I knew how to take you down, and would. I don't share this because I'm proud of that fact, but to share with you who I was and where alcohol took me.
Drinking was the center of my world, it was the most important when I did anything. I'd go to the beach- pack the cooler, go to the store - take a cup, go to a water park - another cooler, go golfing - there's my buddy alcohol. It was number one in my life. I was a daily drinker, I thought I deserved it, I work hard. I don't think I was at the point where I lost my decision to put it down yet, I just didn't want to, and then somewhere I crossed that line. The thought "don't drink tonight" never crossed my mind. I didn't suffer from hangovers until almost the end, and at the time was really proud of that fact -"ya bunch of light weights, learn how to drink". I know now that was because I was intoxicated most of the time, I never sobered up enough to have a hang over.
Well, the last 2 years and 8 months of my drinking spiraled out of control. My husband, who drank like I did, went to rehab and started going to AA meetings. He got himself a home group, a sponsor, started reading the Big Book and working his steps. He stayed sober and did what he needed to do. I felt abandoned, alone and I spiraled out of control into self pity and resentment. He never once said to me "please don't drink, do you think you need AA, stop drinking", he let me be and took care of his sobriety. My routine was this every day; crawl out of bed at 4:30 am, get to work by 7:30 am, work till 7:30 pm, go home, grab a case of beer (along with about half a bottle of Tequila) and drink that till I almost passed out, then crawl back into bed and do it all over again.
Finally on June 19th of 2002 it all came to a crashing halt. It was the first and only time he asked me not to drink. It was his birthday, and he wanted to go out later, just the two of us. I remember saying "Yea, sure no problem." I meant it to that day, but as soon as the door shut and he went to take a nap. My brain kicked into gear, "There's only two beers in that fridge. Two aren't gonna hurt ya". So two beers and at least a couple of 72 oz. Rum and cokes later I'm down at the pool in the sun.
I feel a shadow fall across me, it's him. He says not a word, the look says it all. The black hole in my soul, the spiritual sickness that is empty and I cannot fill with anything - explodes. I finally see what my drinking is doing to another. I had lived so long in denial, and indifference, this actual feeling seared me to the bone. So, I did what any normal alcoholic does. I went after him with every reason, excuse, or con I could think of to make it okay. I kept at him until I pushed the right buttons of anger.
I don't even remember what was said, I do remember crying so hard I was heaving. He walked away, and my brain wasn't done yet "You know, you're making everyone miserable. Why don't you just kill yourself so they can move on and be happy." I believed my brain that day, and started to take his pain meds, the whole bottle down the hatch. Everything will be okay now. But God had something else in mind that day, and I thank Him for never leaving me.
Hubby walked back in the room, saw what I was doing, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and made me puke it all up. He looked at me and said "You know what you need to do, you know where you need to go to get help." He walked away again, and as I sat on the bed on my hands and knees, no more tears, numb from the pain, I said the first honest thing I ever had in over 25 years, "God I give up, I need Your help! I can't even kill myself, I don't know what to do."
And so my journey began. The solution of using alcohol wasn't working, and I found something that worked for me. That solution for me is God and AA. AA didn't promise me they would show me how to stay sober, they promised to show me how to live this new life that God has blessed me with. Living life today is my solution, I do it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, but I live it today with my God.
I have heard it said before, but I believe this to be true for me. "God lead me to A.A., and A.A. lead me back to God." I thank all of you!
Okay here is why the Big Book is called the "Big Book". Originally the first edition printed was bright red in color, with the colorful Carnival Jacket colors. It was printed on thicker paper, with larger print and larger margins to make the book seem larger. They did this, because just like any good alcoholic, bigger is better. Bill W. thought that by referring to it as a big book when selling it, people would think they were getting more value for their money.
In April 1939, 4,730 copies of the first edition of“Alcoholics Anonymous” were published at aselling price of $3.50 ($45.92 in 2005 dollars with the rise of cost of living). $3.50 was a lot of money back then, and as you can see, if they had raised the price of the Big Book with the cost of living how expensive it would be to buy today. Pretty amazing, think how many "Big Books" you've given away?!
The other part of this is why is it blue? Originally the first edition was in a bright blood red cover which could be seen whilst walking down the street, not so anonymous huh?!, then the "Carnival" color wrapper was added which didn't help out much more. Finally the blue was decided on as the color, it was safe, anonymous, and many other books had this same outer coloring.
Inside the first 164 pages of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous are 26 prayers, 149 promises, there are "haves" and "must dos" along with "suggestions", "this works" on pages 19, 82, 122, the word "recovered" is used 16 times, and "faith without works is dead" is actually written, and implied on the following pages 14, 15, 16, 76, 78 and 93, page 20 tells you what "recovered" means, you'll have to read for yourself to find the answer. I would have written more but Harmon speaks way faster than I can write. I think I need a tape recorder??
Originally, the fellowship came first and was considered the program of A.A., but after the publishing of the text Alcoholics Anonymous this IS THE PROGRAM OF A.A. Going to meetings and not drinking, does not mean you are working a program of recovery, it just means you have "sodriety" (sober drunk with no program). The "Fellowship of AA" and the "Program of AA" are two different things today, and have been since 1939. So when you are at your home group today, ask yourself, "Are they working the program of A.A. from the book? or are they still living in the problem?"
I had not thought of my program in this way before but it is so true for me. - "The solution to my hopeless state of mind and body was drinking. Alcohol was the solution to my problems for many years, it may have been a poor decision, but it was what worked for me at the time. So when I decided to become sober without drinking I needed to find another solution, minus the use of alcohol, but I still had the ISM part of the disease. For me the solution was the program of A.A. (the text or Big Book)." - Harmon.
I didn't come to A.A. fellowship because I lost my house, finances, jobs, wrecked cars or got dui's, and I did not get sent to treatment or the nut house. BUT, I had the hopeless state of mind and body, which we all have when we first walk into the fellowship. After walking into the fellowship I was directed to the text of A.A.. I was told that all my answers were in the first 164 pages, that if I wasn't sure I was an alcoholic read the story's there may be something I can relate to in my deciding or take the "40 Questions" pamphlet, but I knew I was alcoholic. So it was stressed, make sure I actively live this new way of life offered in the 164 pages of the Big Book. It is clear, precise, specific, step by step directions on how to LIVE this new life. Not on how to stay sober, but on how to LIVE a new life with a better decision than the one I used for so long (alcohol).
So that is what I do today, continually referring to my text book, which continues to grow because I CHANGE, and see, and learn more as I go along this journey of new life.
Hope this answered your question, lash505, I know it was nothing profound, but life usually isn't always that way. Have a great and wonderful rest of the week and weekend. I'm on the circuit for the next couple of days because that's where God wants me.
Love, Kimberly
P.S. I do want to post something else, but first I have to locate the Conference approved pamphlet. Hee Hee I found it:
I borrowed this pamphlet, I have altered it and the opinions are not the opinions of AA, or GSO World Service they are my own. So if your not comfortable with yourself go no further in your reading.
Wherever you see the word "drinking" in the questions, I have substituted certain words, "thinking", "thought", stupid", "stupider". This pamphlet still applied to me, and my disease of alcoholism.
IS A.A. FOR YOU?
Only you can decide whether you want to give A.A.a try — whether you think it can help you.
We who are in A.A. came because we finally gave up trying to control our drinking (THINKING). We still hated to admit that we could never drink (THINK) safely. Then we heard from other A.A. members that we were sick. (We thought so for years!) We found out that many people suffered from the same feelings of guilt and loneliness and hopelessness that we did. We found out that we had these feelings because we had the disease of (THINKING).
We decided to try and face up to what alcohol (THINKING) had done to us. Here are some of the questions we tried to answer honestly. If we answered YES to four or more questions, we were in deep trouble with our drinking (THINKING). See how you do. Remember, there is no disgrace in facing up to the fact that you have a problem.
Answer YES or NO to the following questions.
1 - Have you ever decided to stop(THINKING) drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? Most of us in A.A. made all kinds of promises to ourselves and to our families. We could not keep them. Then we came to A.A. A.A. said: "Just try not to(THINK) drink today." (If you do not(THINK) drink today, you cannot get(STUPIDER) drunk today.)
Yes No
2 - Do you wish people would mind their own business about your(THINKING) drinking-- stop telling you what to do? In A.A. we do not tell anyone to do anything. We just talk about our own(THINKING) drinking, the trouble we got into, and how we stopped. We will be glad to help you, if you want us to.
Yes No
3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of(THOUGHT) drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting(MORE STUPID) drunk? We tried all kinds of ways. We made our(THOUGHTS) drinks weak. Or just(THOUGHT) drank beer. Or we did not(THINK) drink cocktails. Or only (THOUGHT) drank on weekends. You name it, we tried it. But if we(THOUGHT) drank anything with(A THOUGHT) alcohol in it, we usually got(STUPIDER) drunk eventually.
Yes No
4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year? Do you need a (THOUGHT) drink to get started, or to stop shaking? This is a pretty sure sign that you are not(THINKING) drinking "socially."
Yes No
5 - Do you envy people who can(THINK) drink without getting into trouble? At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.
Yes No
6 - Have you had problems connected with(THINKING) drinking during the past year? Be honest! Doctors say that if you have a problem with(THOUGHT) alcohol and keep on(THINKING) drinking, it will get worse -- never better. Eventually, you will die, or end up in an institution for the rest of your life. The only hope is to stop(THINKING) drinking.
Yes No
7 - Has your(THINKING) drinking caused trouble at home? Before we came into A.A., most of us said that it was the people or problems at home that made us(THINK) drink. We could not see that our(THINKING) drinking just made everything worse. It never solved problems anywhere or anytime.
Yes No
8 - Do you ever try to get "extra"(THOUGHTS) drinks at a party because you do not get enough? Most of us used to have a "few" before we started out if we thought it was going to be that kind of party. And if(THOUGHTS) drinks were not served fast enough, we would go some place else to get more.
Yes No
9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop (THINKING) drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting(STUPIDER) drunk when you don't mean to? Many of us kidded ourselves into thinking that we(THINK) drank because we wanted to. After we came into A.A., we found out that once we started to(THINK) drink, we couldn't stop.
Yes No
10 - Have you missed days of work or school because of(THINKING) drinking? Many of us admit now that we "called in sick" lots of times when the truth was that we were(STUPID) hung-over or on a(THOUGHT) drunk.
Yes No
11 - Do you have "blackouts"? A "blackout" is when we have been(THINKING) drinking hours or days which we cannot remember. When we came to A.A., we found out that this is a pretty sure sign of (STUPID THINKING) alcoholic drinking.
Yes No
12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not(THINK) drink? Many of us started to(THINK) drink because(THINKING) drinking made life seem better, at least for a while. By the time we got into A.A., we felt trapped. We were(THINKING) drinking to live and living to(THINK) drink. We were sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Yes No
Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with (THOUGHTS) alcohol. Why do we say this? Because thousands of people in A.A. have said so for many years. They found out the truth about themselves — the hard way.
But again, only you can decide whether you think A.A. is for you. Try to keep an open mind on the subject. If the answer is YES, we will be glad to show you how we stopped(THINKING) drinking ourselves. Just call.
A.A. does not promise to solve your life's problems. But we can show you how we are learning to live without(THINKING) drinking "one day at a time." We stay away from that (FIRST THOUGHT) "first drink." If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we got rid of(THOUGHTS) alcohol, we found that life became much more manageable.
Well, yesterday was absolutely stunning here! So I went for a motorcycle ride - WOOHOO! God, it felt great, thank you!
I've been really busy, but it also is great today. It seems a lot of us have been busy, pretty cool!
I've lead twice this year already and have three more in the coming week, you'd think people would be tired of my voice, but apparently not. God has put me right where I need to be, and here is a perfect example:
Thursday night I walked into a meeting I have not been able to get to in a while because of other commitments. I walk in and Fred looks at me and says, "Hey, we heard you were dead?!", I replied "Well come over here and hug a dead girl." We all laughed and then Bill explained that it was a different Kimberly that had unfortunately been killed. So please keep her and her family in your prayers.
Bill and I started to talk, and he said that he'd missed a lot of us women at the meeting. We were all in different directions, other commitments or meetings, work or school. I told him it was great that he missed us, but why did it matter so much to him? He told me he was worried that if a woman newcomer walked in there would be no contact for her. The old saying of guys with guys, and girls with girls is important for a reason, but not a steadfast sticking point when help is needed. I told Bill that I would leave him my number in case that ever happened, but also told him that God takes care of us and there would be someone here when they were needed.
Well, kids, God does provide! I was leading that night and we had three new women walk in that door, and two new men, and another man who had moved to our area and was attending for the first time. God helped me share my experience, strength, and hope that evening. Two of the new women reached out and thanked me. We spoke briefly, and I gave them my number if they ever needed to talk, listen or wanted a ride to a meeting. I explained to them to just keep the number, if you don't use it, great, if you do use it, great also.
We made sure all the newbies had a Big Book, meeting directory and numbers before they left. Some asked about other good meetings to attend, and others ran for the door as soon as I was finished, but either way it was great! God put me right where I needed to be, He had me say exactly what He wanted me to, and with a little hope and willingness maybe someone heard what they needed. Sometimes I don't know what the outcome is for a newbie, and other times I get to watch them grow, either way it kept this alcoholic sober for the day.
A group of us are going to the N.U.T.S. study on Wednesday. I've made a commitment to attend all of these meetings (from January to May), and absorb as much as God wants of me. The introduction was really good. lash505, wanted to know why the Big Book is blue and called the Big Book? So I will talk to Gail and ask her, she touched on it briefly, but I can't remember (fried too many cells I think) So hopefully I will have an answer sometime after Wednesday.
Sunday I got to see a friend and her husband. It was really awesome to reconnect, we exchanged emails so hopefully we will stay in touch more. She is a very vibrant and funny woman, and I feel the glow of life exude from her. She would have been one of the woman I would've latched on to as a newbie in early sobriety. Instead I get to be a friend and walk a little of this journey together. Thank you and I love you Joni!
I'm gonna get moving, it's still really nice today, so maybe I'll get another ride in before old man winter gets wise. Have a great and blessed day!
Well this new year is starting out with a bang! This is a recap.
Wednesday I woke up early, got the kids all feed, took the dog out, and had to chase the cat down (it's very cold here). Got myself cleaned up, hubby was up banging around the house, and then we started to jump into preparation for taxes.
Hubby's taxes are a breeze, mine however are a nightmare to do, as I run a small business out of the house. The cool thing is I only have to file these once a year not quarterly, under my personal taxes. So, being the somewhat organized girl I've become, trust me this definitely wasn't so 4 years ago, I've learned to separate all of my expenses into categories. It also helps using a software designed to keep track of my expenditures over the whole year.
This isn't a lot of fun, but it is interesting, as I see how much we spend on different things from year to year, what has increased, what could be outta control and so on... and this is just a time consuming process, adding everything up, double checking figures, all this before I even start to file - WHEW!!! Bet your exhausted just listening to this dribble.
So onward and upward. Finally in the afternoon I ran out to take care of a few errands, called a couple of the girls to see who was coming to the 14th Annual N.U.T.S. Study Group, stopped to pickup dinner, ran home ate (inhaled more likely) dinner, talked to the girls some more to coordinate who's meeting when and where, worked on the tax prep some more, cleaned up and was ready to walk out the door when "D" called.
"D" is one of my sponsees and she was going to meet at my house then up north to the meeting we would go. However she calls and says "Kimmie I can't get to your street the cops have the entrance blocked." Huh?! Cops have our street blocked? "Yeah, I'm at yadda yadda, I'll see if they'll let me through." OK. How about I walk to the top of the street and just meet you there? "D" replies "That would work."
So I get of the phone and tell hubby cops have the street blocked off, and I'm gonna walk up and meet "D". He says "COPS, cool maybe there's a dead body, a decapitated head (he is joking) - wait I'll drive you up!" Yes, I love him but he's still a very, very sick man, and acts like a 4 year old at heart. So we hop in the car, "D" is waiting, I kiss hubby and are on our way. The main street outside of my neighborhood is blocked off traveling north, but I can't see what's the matter.
"D" and I head out for the meeting and we get to do one of my favorite things on a road trip. The meeting before the meeting, and the meeting after the meeting. We had a very good conversation, with lots of experience, strength and hope passed back and forth (can't say more it was sponsor/sponsee stuff).
The meeting was excellent. N.U.T.S. - Not Using The Steps, was started 14 years ago by a man named Harmon V. His sponsor had taken him to hear Charlie (from Joe & Charlie tapes) at a seminar. Harmon was so moved, and wanted to keep learning he talked to Charlie about it. Charlie told him, "You have a responsibility." So, Harmon with the help of others started N.U.T.S. We received a wealth of information last night, and I know it didn't all stick, that's why I'm a repeater. Though I'm not alone, almost the entire original starting members still attend every year, Harmon calls us the really sick ones.
Last night he briefly explained to us exactly what the Big Book is to us, and what it is not, and that he will cover this more in depth as we move along. He will displace a lot of the myths and false knowledge that has sprung up in the fellowship. He says he is not a teacher, but a student and is passing on what he has learned. He had some statistics, and facts, and I am going to need a tape recorder because I just can't write that fast. I've known Harmon for a short time, and the first thing I remember about him was that he talked as fast as my brain worked, which is pretty scary on so many different levels, but I really get him.
He then turned the floor over to Gail, who works with Archives, and she gave us a brief summary on the history of "Alcoholics Anonymous". If any of you ever visit from another country, please make sure to stop at the Archives Office in Akron, OH. There, they have every single Big Book printed in the language of that particular country with the country's flag on it. And these visitors are asked to sign the book from their country. I thought this was very cool, we have reached across so far, to so many, and spread light and joy where there was only darkness.
The meeting lasted about an hour and half and will meet every Wednesday from January to May. We will cover the first 164 pages in great detail again, I brought in tow some of the girls because we wanted to share this experience with others, and they are looking forward to more they really enjoyed last night.
I included this link and I hope you enjoy: http://www.akronaaarchives.org/mtWords.htm
Lastly, when we got home the power was out. He said someone took out not one, but two power poles, and that's all he knew. The stretch of road it happened on is a big curve, and with the snow it was most likely slick. Hopefully no one was hurt, so please say a quick prayer for them.
Hubby said it went off shortly after we left, he was concerned, but not panicked. I say this because the parrots need to stay warm, they shouldn't be exposed to long term temps under 68 degrees. The house was around 66 when I got home, so we lit some more candles, pulled all the comforters we had, put two of them in their cages and covered them to keep'em warm. We got ready for bed, and my baby Tretoe got to sleep with me. He used to do this all the time, but the dander from his feathers really makes my allergies bad. So I have had to stop doing this, but last night I needed to keep him warm so off we went.
This is what happens, I snuggle into bed, with a pillow against my body, he sits on top of the pillow and curls right against my neck. He then chortles, gurgles, makes dripping sounds for about two minutes, snuggles in even closer, nibbles my ear, and then finally falls asleep. It's very cute, and he is the most thankful animal I have ever met, and we fell back into this routine last night like we had never quit - ha ha! He makes me smile just thinking about his cute, feathered butt! Well, we both were just on the verge of unconsciousness when - *POP* the lights came back on. So I got back up, turned everything off, and then we went through our routine again, where we both finally drifted off to sleep.
This morning they all decided to make noise at 8 am, we didn't get to bed till real late (after 2 am), so I was up and moving, got them all feed, watered, and out on poop patrol. Here I sit and write real quick, I've got severe sleepy face and am nursing this cup of coffee - thank God for java! I have some cleaning to do around the house. Then I have the privilege of lead ing tonight for a friend, and for another friend on Sunday afternoon.
I will leave you with this one last item I heard last night. There are a lot of "we, they, our" in the Big Book, I found one page (36 B.B.) that goes overboard with "I", but there is a reason for that - you can read it for yourself. Generally at meetings we open with the "Serenity Prayer", this is how our group conscious has chosen to say it:
God, grant us the serenity, to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen
I'm trying to stay out of self pity, trying to stay out of pain, my heart is torn in two as I wait to see what happens. I know I'm never alone, and it brings me comfort at the most painful of times. The friends I have help me along the way, they don't understand completely, but that's okay. I'm just glad they are here, that I can reach out to them and get out of myself.
Last night was New Years and instead of sitting home with my crazy thoughts, I went to an AA dinner/dance . It helped me again stay out of me. Someone I've known for a short time asked me to sponsor her, and I'm very excited to travel part of this journey together.
It's a new year and I can't believe how crazy busy I'm going to be with life, the calendar is filling up everyday, and I thank God for every minute. I've made commitments not only to myself, but to others, and today I can follow through on them. I've decided that it might be a good idea to go back to work. I need to keep living, I need to continue being willing, I need to continue to grow. If I can't do this for myself, I can't do it for others. Sort of like when I really understood what the word love meant. My how things have changed.
So what does the future hold? I don't know, and today I don't really want to know. I'm content in that I have what matters to the heart most in my life. Nothing material, or financial can replace that which is in my heart and which I hold most dearly.
"Yea seek, and yea shall find." So I continue to seek, because if I had told you where and what I'd be doing today, I would have short changed my life severely. And no matter how painful life can be at times it is short lived by the joy I get today in return.
This little, happy guy above is one of my favorite Manga characters from a series called "Saiyuki'. He sees things for what they are, loves to eat, play, and have fun. He tries to understand the adults around him, but sometimes they just don't keep it simple. The kanji character above his head reads "play". Today, I can do that in life, and so I will continue to play, keep it simple, and walk the walk with God and my fellows.
i slept in late this morning so I'll still be awake by midnight tonight. All though again this year, at least, I'll remember what I'm doing, not be passed out before midnight or wake up thinking, "where the hell am I?". I will have fun tonight, be with friends, and actually look forward to another year.
I think I will attend my home group tonight, then from there go over to the AA New Years Eve Party they are having at the church. I usually don't go out for New Years, even when I was drinking - I always called this amateur night for drinkers - but I think it's time to try something different. Plus a lot of the girls have asked if I'm going, and that if I don't I'm gonna miss the fun, so I'll give it a try.
In the past, I would usually be home drinking and out way before midnight. When I did go out to the bars, and such, for a celebration I ended up in some very bad places and situations a women should never be near. I never worried or thought I shouldn't be doing this, I didn't care, thought it was exciting, and besides I could take care of myself. That was me not knowing the difference between the false and the truth. I thank God every day for keeping me alive and safe till I could willing find the way to Him and AA.
I hope you all have a safe, fun filled New Years eve. That you have everything in life I wish for you all. That the New Year will bring you hope, faith, love, happiness, peace, compassion, understanding, open-mindedness, serenity, and respect for one another, but most of all hope. As we continue to share with each other, reach out to one another, struggle and grow, we can pass on hope. Please remember to keep the sick and struggling in your prayers.
Last night I had a very interesting discussion with my sponsor about Step 2.
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
"What can we believe in? A.A. Does not demand belief. The Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as a Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God." - taken from 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
My foundation of a higher power was introduced in the form of religion as a child. My mother has a tremendous faith in God. That He walks with us every day, and one of her favorite sayings is "if it isn't meant to be, that was God's plan". I remember as a small child going to Sunday school, the fun I had, singing children's hymns, the stories from the bible they told us, I remember us going to service after Sunday school, and fidgeting, wanting to play and talk and having to sit quietly - didn't like that part at all.
But, somewhere along the way things changed in me. I remember when my "Big Grandma" died (she was very tall, my dad's mom). I was 7 years old, almost 8, and when she died I was mad. Mad at God, how dare He take her from me, she was my world. She was the one person in my life at that time that truly made me feel comfortable, wanted and loved. I would rather go to Big Grandma's then play with the few friends I had. Yes, I was a loner child - big surprise huh?!
When she passed though, I remember (now in hindsight) I consciously pushed God out of my life. "God you didn't take care of Grandma, so you go take care of whatever. I've got my life from here on out, I can do it myself, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" And I pushed God and people away from me even more, I became god in my life - which today I know is a very sick place to be. When I hit my bottom, nothing I did worked, I had no good ideas left, I had "the hole in my soul", also referred to as a spiritual sickness. My last drunk this black hole I had been trying to fill my whole life exploded.
I had tried to take my own life, I wasn't playing, and it still didn't work. So here I am, on my hands and knees, sobbing, and I said the first honest thing I ever did in my life. "God, I give up, I can't even kill myself, I need Your help." This was also one of the first miracles in life that I really noticed, not so much the fact that I didn't die and I gave up, but He put the person in my path that stopped me from succeeding in my suicide. All those years of trying to run the show, and run from God, and in the end I realized He was the only one who could save me.
That one day for me was also my "Spiritual Awakening". I became open to God again, I knew where to find help and I did, I reached out. I was still pretty foggy - for the first 9 months hah! - and not everything made sense, but I had what was needed to start. For me, the obsession to drink was lifted immediately and has never plagued me since that day. That does not mean it hasn't crossed my mind, or entered my dreams, it just means those thoughts drift in and drift right out. I never had, and still don't have, any crave type emotions.
"Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men." pg 46, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition.
At the start of this journey, I learned to shut my mouth and open my ears and really listen, I found out what honesty was, my disillusions being smashed on my journey, I re-found my faith but this time He is a God of my understanding, not my family or anyone else's. I learned to rely on others and become accountable, to have respect and acceptance towards others, I learned to stop being defiant (f you was one of my favs in thinking and action), I learned that sometimes what I thought was sane thinking was absolute insanity, and I learned to seek a spiritual connection to God. I learned to become open-minded, willing, and honest, and in doing so I have a faith that all will be alright. Even when the floor is sliding under my feet, and my butt is falling off, it will all work out in the end - I just can't see it, but the faith in my Higher Power can.
I'm gonna close with this quote, it is still one of my favorites today. When I first read it, I thought "WHAT!!??". Today it makes sense, but that is because of our journey, our honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, and our spiritual way of life.
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is CONTEMPT PRIOR TO INVESTIGATION."
- Herbert Spencer, pg 568, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition
Well, I hope all had a good Christmas, and as we get closer to the end of another year I find my self reflecting, pondering, and sometimes wondering - what was I thinking?! - occurred this past year.
This year seemed to fly by, faster then usual, at least it seemed that way to me. I can remember certain details so vividly in life, and others have succumbed to the memory monster. It amazes me that I can not remember what I ate for dinner last night, but can remember my first meeting back in this area 3 years ago.
I remember walking up to the church, the large gathering of people, all joking, laughing and smiling. What stands out the most, was the group of women, all standing together in a row. Twos and threes in serious discussion, or just talking about nothing of importance, they weren't standing in a row on purpose, that's just the way it was. I remember walking up and seeing this very tall, very beautiful women. I remember she gave off a slight vibe of intimidation, the feeling of you can't lie to me because I can smell your B.S. from here. It made me chuckle, because I used to give off that intimidation vibe very strongly, and I'm sure I still do but to a much smaller extent.
Anyway, she was talking with two other women, and I walked up to all three, stuck out my hand and introduced myself. I remember how happy, and giddy I felt. I was back at home in another meeting half way across the country from where I had started my new journey. There must have been at least 12 women there, and double the men. All of them were at different spots in their journey, some just starting, others very far along.
Like everything else in my life, I had no idea what God had in store for me. That tall blond and her husband have become very important people in my life and many others. We laugh today about our vibe, and have put other women in our lives that have softer edges, so we can learn what that's like. I guess I should explain this a little better?!
J and I are very much alike in many ways. We both ended up doing, saying and being in places we said we never would. We both became very intimidating. I still remember never being afraid to attack anyone, man or woman, the bigger the better. My tiny little 5'4" inch frame that weighed 120 lbs, had and would go after some guy built like a linebacker for Greenbay. I know today that it was fear that drove me, but back then NEVER - I'll show you what to fear, was my thinking. Well, with an attitude like that you can just imagine I was in places and with people that probably should, and could have killed me. Then I started this new journey with us (AA). We walked, and talked, cried and laughed, we still do it today.
The women in a line that day, all but 2 or 3, have and are still in each others lives. We have become good, honest friends. They have saved my butt on more than one occasion, when my mind wouldn't quiet, or I didn't know what to do next. They have helped keep me sober for one more day so many times. We have studied the text of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 & 12, we have done 12 Step calls, we have become active inside and outside the rooms of fellowship, we have learned the history of AA and what it means to us, we have been there for each other and others, we continue to carry the message to those who are ready. We have worked on our defects of character, and find those around us we want to be like, we still have that willingness and passion for this program, and we are still learning more each day.
They told me there was great growth for me this year, and of course, I only see a little, but I do feel some change. I'm just now starting to realize what my personal principles are, what I do like and what I do just to please others. I am finding the little girl within me that I thought I had lost so long ago, the one I thought I'd killed with my disease. But she's not dead, never was, she was just playing hide and seek until she knew I was ready. Shes not a striking beauty, but she's a cute, happy, loving person, who just wants to share that love and happiness with others. It's so good to see her again. I realized just how many people this last year God has put in my path, for various reasons, and we all care about each other very much. Men and women, and they are all true friends - what a weird, wonderful feeling - to know that we are here for each other, and would do almost anything to help.
Thank you: For letting us know we are never alone God For the true friendships we have today For the release from bondage, even when we take it back For all the people you have put in our path For teaching us how to use the gifts you've given us of Hope, Love, Honesty, Purity and Unselfishness, and so much more For Your Undeserved Mercy For another day
We can not become what we want to be by remaining what we are!
Have a loving, fun, blessed, grateful, joyful, noisy, peaceful, content, sober, active, restful, full, thankful, understanding, content, full of life and hopeful Christmas!
Well I said I'd catch up, so I'll give it my best to recap. Thursday I spent time with friends, talking and visiting, listening and joking - it was fun as always. Finished up those last minute errands. Friday was home time with hubby, hanging out, relaxing watching movies.
Saturday was especially good. I went to a morning meeting for a change, and God wanted me right there. As usual, He puts people in my life, even if they are brief, for reasons I might not always understand. Today that's okay.
I heard a wonderful women share her experience, strength, and hope with us. First off she looked like she could have been my first sponsors twin sister, it was uncanny.
Her story is like so many of ours. She shared one particular story I found very funny. She said one Halloween she dressed up as a clown - white face paint, big shoes, red foam nose - went to the bar, of course, got good and drunk. She then decided she would go the back way home instead of the freeway, no sense in flagging the cops her way. So here she is in the middle of nowhere, and she ends up in a ditch on some farmers property. She's throwing the car in forward and reverse desperately trying to budge the car out of the mud, and it's not happening.
She's thinking what am I going to do? All the sudden, "tap, tap, tap" on her window. She rolls down the window and it's a tow truck driver. He looks at her and says, "Farmer Ted said there was some clown stuck out in his ditch, he wasn't kidding."
I thought that was very funny, but on to some real strong things I heard. One she reminded me that God gave me lots of things. He's already instilled in me love, tolerance, patience and understanding, but it is only how willing I am to use them and stay out of self that helps me stay out of resentment. She also shared how we paid for our seat in AA, with loss of material things, families, friends, lively hoods even our soul. We had to struggle to get here, and with that knowledge we have to realize that sometimes others need to struggle also. Everything I went through brought me to where I am today.
She used this analogy - "When a butterfly gets ready to hatch out of it's pupae. It will slowly emerge. It's abdomen nice and fat, and it's wings all shriveled up. When it struggles out of it's cocoon, it forces the blood to it's wings. They grow, and struggle some more, rest, grow and struggle some more. The wings unfurl, and the butterfly rests for a while before it starts it's journey. A friend of hers was raising Monarchs for the kids in her class. All year they waited, and finally on the last day of school, 20 minutes before they were to go home one of the butterflys started to emerge. Well there was no way he was going to be out for the kids before they left, so the teacher decided to help the butterfly along. She pulled the pupae out, and carefully with scissor cut it open. She pulled the butterfly from the pupae and set him down, but he didn't make it, he died. She had tried to rush him and he wasn't able to struggle his way out."
We are much the same as that butterfly. We struggle and grow, and struggle some more, we rest and learn, and eventually our wings unfurl and we begin our journey, but to do so we had to struggle first. We had to get here in our own time, and sometimes, when it's a loved one we want to do what we think is best, but it's Gods decision not ours.
Tonight, I heard a friend, and I call him an old timer but he may disagree, lead. It was the first time I had heard his story. We have shared many discussions together, and I've learned so much from him about life and the program of AA. He helped keep me sober one more day. His wife, also in the program, has helped me and many other women tremendously. I reach out to both of them a lot, and I love them both so dearly. I've only known them since I moved back here to Ohio, but I feel like we have been friends for years. I hear my story come from their lips, and the solutions they have found along the way help us. I hear them in the people they sponsor. It's amazing how we keep passing it on.
Tonight, he summed up exactly how I felt at my worst. "I didn't just stand at the gates of Hell. I went in and did the dance, and then couldn't claw my way out until I came to AA. - Pat F."
I remember how dark my soul was, I had become spirituality, and emotionally bankrupt. That even when my best idea was to take my own life, and I couldn't even do that right. That I had no more ideas and nowhere else to go. I found hope in the rooms and program of AA. That those 12 Steps and 12 Traditions were to strip me of my ego, and teach me to get out of self. That reaching out to others would keep me sober for one more day. That praying to a God of my understanding, not my mothers, fathers or your understanding but mine, would fill that hole I had been trying to fill with booze. Booze was my lover, my friend, my accomplice, my devil and doom. It meant more to me then anything. I couldn't function with it or without it. But slowly, steadily, I listened to others and shut my mouth. I did what was suggested because I had nowhere else to go, and no good ideas left.
Things have changed so much, and continue to every day. I came back from that dance in Hell I took, but it was you who helped me do that. I reached out to you and you grabbed hold of me to help. God I thank you for "US", because alone is so very lonely, and it doesn't have to be that way today.
So I'm wrapping this up. I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! Try and have patience, love, tolerance, and understanding toward your fellows. This is a tough holiday for so many people, even ones who don't have a program. I try to remember that I don't know what others are experiencing in their life at this exact moment. That they may not have the tools or even a God of their own understanding that we have, that they may just be having a rough time or bad day. So smile, even something so small can change a life.
Wow! I have been in an extra, super duper (i know, corny), terrific, frisky mood! It's been a really great week, and there is no particular reason. It just is what it is, not good or bad.
The weird thing is the last couple of days I've been at various stores out and about, and I've seen some of the most unhappy, angry people I've ever seen. I know it must be from the holidays coming up, the stress others feel, so I just keep putting on my happy face. In fact yesterday the deli guy commented on it. This is how it went... I went up to get some sliced Maple Ham. I thought hot grilled cheese (cheese oozing, of course) with ham would be awesome and a cup of rich tomato soup (made with milk, of course) would be awesome, and I knew hubby would be in heaven. So as I approach the counter a very nice man smiled at me and asked, "How are you today?" I replied, "I am awesome! It's been a great week!" He looked surprised, then asked "Really why?" "No particular reason, I'm just grateful and thankful for everything. I feel good and want to spread that cheer." He was surprised still, and said he'd had a lot of customers, unhappy ones, with numerous problems. I think he was a little cheered when I left his counter, he was smiling at least.
I know that my mood can effect others around me, I've seen me do it before. It's not because I'm all that or something, but I remember how I would go out of my way to dwell on the negative, push every button I could, and justify my thinking it was right to make every one around me as miserable as I felt. Today, I don't want to feel that ick anymore, and I definitely don't want to share it with others. That doesn't mean life is a big happy smiling face, because it isn't all the time. I have problems, and challenges in my life just like every one else, but my attitude is what starts my day.
If I start out cranky, and don't do anything to lift my mood before my feet hit the floor, I'll be quiet around others and vent my frustrations (generally, out on hubby). If I start out in a good mood, I still do something to ensure that it will stay with me all day. That "something" is talking to God in the morning. I talk to him like I do my friends, let my mind wander over various things going on in life, then I stop and listen, relax and really feel my surroundings. Either way He helps me start my day, I decide whether to be cranky (self-will run riot) or content and happy (His will for me). The longer I live these steps actively, the less days of crankdom I have, but they are never gone completely and that's cool today.
I had a lot of different things go on this week. Monday was my birthday, it was pretty calm. Tuesday I got up real early, ran some errands, visited with a sponsee, delivered some help and maybe a little hope to a family in need. Shopped for some new leathers and found exactly what I want for my birthday from hubby. Scrambled home with dinner and went to a great meeting. Came home, hung out with the birds and then crashed into bed.
The errands were no big deal, it was the last little bit of Christmas shopping I had to do. Visiting with the sponsee was the big part of my day. She's really going through a challenging part of her life right now. She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen, she has grown so much in the last year in her program, and in her quest for finding God, she is one of the funniest people I've ever had the pleasure to hang with, and she helps keep me sober another day. The place she works is not very nice, they don't treat any of their employees fairly, nor their patients, and have had a lot of people just up and quit. This is where her stress comes in, trying to cover extra shifts, doing her job well and putting up with the stress trickling down from her bosses. She tells me how tired she is, and that she doesn't feel well, but she doesn't have to, because I can hear it in her voice and see it in her face. So we talked for quite a while, and came up with some solutions to her problems. She's been feeling much better, and is excited because she's off on Saturday.
Wednesday I didn't want to get up, my body said "oohhh, stay in this nice warm cozy bed." So I did for quite a while. Then I got up meandered around the house, read some blogs, left some comments. Then I heard the couch (yes, I'm loco in la cabasa), "kimmmiiieee, kimmie, you know you want to crash on me, come lay down and snuggle with a good book." So I crashed for a while. My body just needed a day of rest, and today I listen. Going full tilt, like a whirling dervish, I can stop and listen to my body and rest. It felt wonderful to just hang out at home.
The parrots were estatic! Bomber talked all day. He has quite the repertoire. This is some of his litany of phrases: "Wanna go outside, come on baby. Wanna go outside - Chelsea", "Brrr" "Whatsa matter - hmmmm? Are you okay?""Are you pretty, pretty, pretty - oh look how pprreetttty!""And up, and up, work those thighs - work'em" This one his old owner liked to work out to videos (get your mind out of the gutter). And one of my all time favorites "bap ba bap ba baaa - SUPERBIRD!" He sticks his head way out and says this one rather proudly. He loves to talk during the movies, and phone conversations, he sounds and acts like he's a part and it's pretty funny. He's been quite a blessing to me, but is on hubby's short list, especially since he bit him again that day.
Tretoe played in my lap, chortling, clicking, and whistling away. Running under the pillow between my leg and the chair. Climbing back up on my shoulder, under my hair, nibbling on my ear. I swear he thinks I'm his personal chew toy. He was so happy, his eyes dilating like crazy, his tail flashing. He started my day with a laugh anyway. I'm laying in bed, and I hear him whistle for me. He whistles like when you call a dog to you, or are trying to get someones attention. It made me chuckle, he was telling me to get my lazy butt moving that he wanted fed and attention. He also does the wolf whistle, and tells ya to "C'mere" in this little squeaky voice.
Cocoa, she is plain loco! Running all over the floor, up the chair, down the chair, back and forth between hubby and I, round and round, across the floor and back, she's a lunatic child, and wears me out just watching her. She is the clown, the animated one of the group, and is pretty damn entertaining in her own way. In fact, all three are better than TV any day.
They did all eventually settle down, and had their afternoon nap with hubby. Tretoe asleep in my hair, Cocoa on hubby's leg as he snored away, and Bomber, assuming the position, one leg up, head tucked on his favorite rope perch. I felt very content and very blessed.
There still is so much more to share, but I've rambled on enough for now. I think I'm gonna take care of some chores around the house, sauna, and then hubby and I are gonna spend some time at home together tonight. I love you all and thank God for all the blessings in my life. Have a great day!
Well, I've been really busy this last couple of days. Which is a good thing, I love life, it's such an awesome journey!
Saturday I was busy working on a commission piece of art, picked up gift cards for a childrens home which hubby dropped off, wrapped gifts for a friend whose struggling with 4 kids at home, made cookies, wrapped more gifts for family, went grocery shopping cuz the cupboards getting bare, and went to hear one of my sponsees lead - she did an awesome job! Saturday and Sunday it snowed, then rained, then got cold again and dumped more snow. I love driving in this weather, there is nothing quite like skating in a car - wweeee!
Sunday did some more work on the art piece, went to dinner with Mom and Dad for my birthday - Outback Steakhouse mmmmmmm! Nothing like a good filet cooked medium rare mmmm! It was good to visit with Mom and Dad, chatted a little bit about everything. It wasn't long ago that when they would call me in California, I was on the phone but not really there (as alcoholics you know what I mean). Dad would talk, and I would be "Uh huh, uh huh...." but I wasn't really listening. Today I can really hear things, and God has let me be a part of their lives again. Mom gave me this beautiful handmade two piece dinner set for sushi - I love Japanese food! Sushi being one of my favorites (and not just California rolls, I love sashimi, eel, tuna - mmm 'm getting hungry), but I love a lot of their homemade type dishes too!
Sunday night I went to a meeting and heard the most honest lead I've heard in a looonnggg time. She was thoroughly honest about where she had been and what still goes on today (not a graphic drunkalog), but honesty about her sobriety, the way her mind thinks, and the way she is today with the Steps, a sponsor and a Higher Power of her understanding.
I know that my brain is off kilter, I realize that today because of working the Steps into my daily living. My brain will always be off kilter, but that's okay, because I don't have to take action on anything this crazy head is telling me to. Today I can walk it through a piece at a time, and see what the end result might be, if I'm not sure I leave the decision to God, and He always answers, maybe not as quickly as I want, but He does answer. The dependence I place on God today, has given me such spiritual independence it's incredible.
Today, I finished the piece. Spent some time catching up here and on another blog. Got to say hi to some friends I haven't talked to in a while. Received a Christmas card from a friend I haven't heard from in 3 years, him and his wife were really important to me early in sobriety (story for another day), but I can't wait to write him back in the morning. And went to my Home Group, where we had an excellent discussion on Step 3 in the 12 and 12. I got to hold and feed Kaylee (about 5 mos) - she is the cutest, sweetest, happiest, quietest baby I've ever meet. She is constantly watching everyone, and smiling, she doesn't want to miss a thing at the meetings. It's been a blast watching her and her poppa grow (in their own ways). What a blessing! Thanks God! Well, I know this was more about a recap of the last couple of days, but as I said, it's busy, and I'm up early tomorrow and running errands. I get to deliver hope to others who are hurting, spend time with a friend, do some work for another, go shopping for my birthday gift from hubby (he knew I needed riding leathers), hopefully get home in time to make dinner, and go to a meeting. I'm trying to stay out of the way, out of me, and hopefully help another while doing God's will not Kimmie's.
God, thank you for this full and wonderful life you have given me, it is more than I could ever have hoped for, and more than I ever deserved.
Morning everyone! A couple of friends shared this with me this morning, and I thought it was great and appropriate for the holiday season - enjoy.
STRESS
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
So my friend put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always read stuff that will make you look good in case you die in the middle of it.
• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply being kind to others.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance.
• Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
• The second mouse gets the cheese.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did.
I heard so many times when I became newly sober that we would receive wonderful gifts of sobriety, and promises would be fulfilled. (I believe (?) there are 164 promises made in the Big Book). So many of them have come true for me today. I am a recovered alcoholic and that recovery depends on my daily maintenance, and conscious contact of a God of my understanding. Maintenance being the key word!
maintenance: the act of maintaining: the means of support, the upkeep.
I need to do upkeep on my daily life, just like my car if I want to keep it running smooth and efficiently. But just like my car, I will occasionally have a hiccup, and need to go in for a tune up. That's where the fellowship comes in, reaching out to others, receiving and using suggestions that people have experienced and found in the Big Book. They help keep those hiccups away or at least guide me so I don't have to fall.
So now I'd like to go back to the promises. It has been a wonderful couple of days. I did my lead on Tuesday and God walked with me the whole way. A small group from my area came to surprise and support me, it was an awesome example in unselfishness. I also got to see some people I hadn't seen in while, and got to find out how they were doing. One man that I had met in his early sobriety was there, he said he was struggling, but we both agreed he was in the right place - at a meeting! I received wonderful feedback from my lead. Today, it's really cool that I can hear, and that I still remain teachable. I still want what I see in other peoples eyes, in their demeanors, and I know they got it from taking daily action in their sobriety.
Wednesday night I heard a lead from a wonderful man who does a lot for people in AA. He's very active, attends a lot of different meetings. Our paths cross a lot because we both do this. The joke between us is "I get around, but it's in a good way today!" He's a gentle soul, and like so many of us was committing a slow suicide. Today, we can help others, reach out to newcomers, have fun in sobriety, and lead by example. I thank God for placing him in my path.
Tonight the girls from my Spiritual Thursday nights came over for a food get together. It was awesome, I think I put on 5 lbs. just tonight. We had pasta salad, these awesome little quiches with avocado and cheese, and mushroom brie, sausage and peppers, meets and cheeses, broccoli salad, Japanese Nikujaga (potato style) soup, candy and really good sugar cookies. We shared wonderful company, jokes, and laughed, complained how tired we were, and that it was still OK. Ms. P made all of us girls Embroidered t-shirts with our group name and start date of the meeting - they are beautiful with an intricate cross. What a thoughtful and beautiful gift. The thing I loved most tonight was the laughter, and gentle and sometimes bawdy conversation that carried on through the evening. These women give me so much - hope, strength, guidance, love, understanding, laughter, peace, friendship - I feel like I'm about to burst with joy!
The promises laid out in the Big Book have and continue to come true for me everyday. If you had asked me 5 1/2 years ago what I wanted in sobriety, I would have ssoooo short changed myself. The blessings I have today are unfathomable, and more continue to appear the longer I actively maintain my sobriety.
Thank you, to all who have gone before me, to those who trudge along with me, and for the unknowns that will be revealed to me on this journey called life.
Well, I'm back on the circuit again. Oh, I don't mind at all, God gave me November off to be thankful, grateful and time to reflect on all that has happened this last year. I'm leading tonight for a wonderful woman at her home group. This is one of the oldest and larger home groups, so yes I'm nervous, but that's okay. I think we should always be nervous, at least a little, keeps us honest. Once I turn my will over to God, and we start with the Serenity Prayer, He takes over and speaks through me with my experience, strength, and hope. I relax a little and He provides us with what we need for the evening.
There has been a lot of change in just the last couple of months. It amazes me how much we grow together, constantly learning, gaining new experience on this journey called life. We had an interesting topic last night - A newcomer asked, "How do I live life on lifes terms? I'm lonely, still unsure." We shared that 1) We are never alone, the God of our understanding is with us all the time. We just need to reach out to Him. 2) We work with our sponsor and actively apply the 12 Steps to our life. 3) We reach out to other women, both for help and to help. 4) We get active in our fellowship, meaning helping whenever possible, not just showing up.
We do not search out another to fill our needs or use for our wants. This is detrimental to ourself and others. This is an important time in our sobriety, at the beginning, many of us shared how we tried dating early in sobriety and it never worked out, because we didn't know how to live, let alone love someone else. We are going to be experiencing great amounts of change in our first year if we actively apply those 12 Steps to our life. We are finding out who we are, establishing a conscious contact with a God of our understanding, being fearless and thorough about our lives, making amends, working on character defects, becoming active, and helping others - whew! Sounds like a lot! But it is worth it all, if we can become well for the loved ones around us, or for the future relationships to come.
It's said many times in meetings "don't date for the first year, women stick with women, men stick with men, don't make any major changes the first year, etc..." I'm sure you've heard them all, no where in the Big Book does it tell us to not do any of these things. These sayings came about because of others experiences, sharing what they learned so others may not make the same mistakes they do, but they don't always apply to all. The suggestion for our sexual conduct can be found on pages 67-69 of Alcoholics Anonymous (you'll have to look it up if you want the answer).
We all get feelings of loneliness from time to time even in sobriety, it's called feeling our emotions. Today we want to feel all of these emotions instead of numbing them with alcohol or drugs. We want to feel overwhelming joy, grief, contentment, anger, peace, despair, hope and so much more. It is part of our life today, the journey is more important then the destination. I know from my experience that I will grieve, that I will have moments of pure joy and happiness, I will feel frustration and anger, but it is what I do with those feelings that is different today. It is important for me to "think, think, think", before I open my mouth or act on impulse for I do not wish to cause others injury. Do I do this gracefully and all the time - NO, I am human, just trying to do my best for today. That is all the God of my understanding asks of me.
So, tonight, I will do my best for God, ask Him to guide me where He wants me to be so I may help another. Thank you for all you have given me, all you have taken from me, and for this journey. Without Gods Undeserved Mercy I would not be alive today.
It's been a wonderful, busy past couple of days. I got to buy some gifts for people for Christmas, spend some time with a really great friend, play and talk with a couple of parrots, hold a beautiful Corn Snake a certain special young man is getting for Christmas, laugh and enjoy this busy holiday time of the year. Something I never did in the past.
Today, I am going to help another friend bake cookies for a children's home. The home is having a Christmas party this week for the kids. They will get to see Santa, have good food and cookies, hear a Christmas story and make a craft, and a group of people donated 30 bicycles for these kids on top of everything else - how awesome is that! I believe that is truly the spirit of Christmas, and we get to spread it around all year long today.
A lot of us have heard acronyms for words in the program, but I heard one for F.E.A.R. the other day that really stood out to me. F - false, E - evidence, A - appears, R - real.
How many times did something I know wasn't true get twisted to suit my means and become a reality? How many times did I not bother to find out the truth from the false? It all stems back to my fears in life, whether they were prompted by selfishness, jealousy, anger, etc.., I would twist things to suit my needs. Today, when I don't know the answer, I search it out, I don't have "contempt prior to investigation". If I don't know the answer, I'll tell you I don't! I push my ego and pride off to the side, and we can look for it together (getting us out of self). I don't want to make false evidence appear real today. Today I want to learn - I have become teachable, and want to stay that way.
Thank you God for all the things you put in my path. I know I am right where You want me to be today.
BBRRRR! It's cold and snowy this morning! Got the first real serious snow of the year, everything is sleeping, and waiting for spring. It's always so peaceful when it snows, it's one of my favorite things about it, that and it coats everything in a white blanket - very pretty.
The post today was given to me by my first sponsor Pam. It's a serious one, and really good, that's why I saved it for last. This is in memory of all those who have gone before us without help, and to those still sick and suffering out there who have hope today. God Bless you all and have a wonderful day.
Love, Kimberly
DRUNKS
We died of pneumonia in furnished rooms where they found us three days later when somebody complained about the smell.
We died against bridge abutments and nobody knew if it was suicide, and we probably didn't know either, except in the sense that it was always suicide.
We died in hospitals, our stomachs huge, and distended, and there was nothing they could do.
We died in cells, never knowing whether we were guilty or not.
We went to priests, they gave us pledges, they told us to pray, they told us to go and sin no more, but go.
We tried and we died.
We died of overdoses, we died in bed.
We died in straitjackets, in the DT's seeing God knows what, creeping, skittering, slithering, shuffling things.
And you know what the worst thing was? The worst thing was that nobody ever believed how hard we tried.
We went to doctors, and they gave us stuff to take that would make us sick when we drank, on the principle of "this is so crazy, it just might work", I guess, or maybe they just shook their heads and sent us to places like Dropkick Murphy's.
And when we got out we were hooked on paraldehyde, or maybe we lied to the doctors and they told us not to drink so much, just drink like them.
And we tried, and we died.
We drowned in our own vomit, or choked on it, our broken jaws wired shut.
We died playing Russian Roulette, and people thought we'd lost, but we knew better.
We died under the hoofs of horses, under the wheels of vehicles, under the knives and boot heels of our brother drunks.
We died in shame.
And you know what was even worse, was that we couldn't believe it ourselves, that we had tried.
We figured we just thought we tried, and we died believing that we hadn't tried, believing that we didn't know what it meant to try.
When we were desperate enough or hopeful or deluded or embattled enough to go for help, we went to people with letters after their names, and prayed that they might have read the right books, that had the right words in them, never suspecting the terrifying truth, that the right words, as simple as they were, had not been written yet.
We died falling off girders on high buildings, because of course, ironworkers drink, of course they do.
We died with a shotgun in our mouth, or jumping off a bridge, and everybody knew it was suicide.
We died under the Southeast Expressway, with our hands tied behind us and a bullet in the back of our head, because this time the people that we disappointed were the wrong people.
We died in convulsions, or of "insult to the brain", we died incontinent, and in disgrace, abandoned.
If we were women, we died degraded, because women have so much more to live up to.
We tried and we died and nobody cried (or so we thought).
And the very worst thing was, that for every one of us that died, there were another hundred of us, or another thousand, who wished that we could die, who went to sleep praying we would not have to wake up because what we were enduring was intolerable, and we knew in our hearts it wasn't ever gonna change.
One day in a hospital room in New York City, one of us had what the books call a transforming spiritual experience, and he said to himself "I've got it" (no, you haven't, you've only got part of it) "and I have to share it" (now you've ALMOST got it) and he kept trying to give it away, but we couldn't hear it.
We tried and we died.
We died of one last cigarette, the comfort of its glowing in the dark. We passed out and the bed caught on fire. They said we suffocated before our body burned, they said we never felt a thing, that was the best way maybe that we died, except sometimes we took our family with us.
And the man in New York was so sure he had it, he tried to love us into sobriety, but that didn't work either, love confuses drunks and he tried and we still died.
One after another we got his hopes up, and we broke his heart, because that's what we do.
And the worst thing was, that every time we thought we knew what the worst thing was, something happened that was worse.
Until a day came in a hotel lobby, and it wasn't in Rome or Jerusalem or Mecca, or even Dublin or South Boston, it was in Akron, Ohio, for Christ's sake.
A day came when the man said "I have to find a drunk, because I need him as much as he needs me" (NOW you've got it).
And the transmission line, after all those years, was open, the transmission line was open.
And now we don't go to priests, and we don't go to doctors, or people with letters after their names. We come to people who have been there, we come to each other.
And we try.
And we don't have to die.
– Anonymous
This is the one story Pam gave me, and we never figured out where it came from. Whoever you are, thank you.
I'm a young women living life on lifes' terms.
New concept for me, I was given a new chance at life, and I'm grateful, oh so grateful.
This will be a place for me to share some of my Stray thoughts on my life.
