Hmmmm

Well, I'm not sure where I'm going from here, but let's give it a go. Recently a friend sent me one of those emails, you know the one, fill in the blanks, tell me more about your self kinda questionnaires. So I did and sent it back, but one of the questions was "Four Things I am looking forward to this year 2008?" In they popped 1) Hope 2) Joy 3) Friends 4) Growth.

I know that there is hope today, and all wounds will heal. I know there will be joy again, because the angels God has sent into my path prove that over and over. Today I know what it means to have true friends and how to be an honest friend. And finally, growth, I never want to stop seeking in this new life I have been granted, and I know in my heart he felt the same way for me.

Things had been tough between us, but the bottom line in all of this is that we were a good husband and wife. He would listen to me when I needed to blab, or cry, or just plain bitch. And I would walk beside him when he needed me to, let him do what he wanted in life, and respect and trust him in any decisions he made. The order of our life was always God, Self (not selfish), Spouse, and Others. We knew that God was always first, then we had to stay healthy so we could be there for others and each other.

Looking back I see God's hand in all of this, and feel more reassured and hopeful about life. Ray is in no more pain, he is healthy, happy and whole, and I can hear his laughter in my soul. He knew I would be okay, and he is right.

Well, I'm off to keep looking for work. Run some errands, and then spend some quality time with a friend this afternoon. God bless you all!

Love ya,
Kimberly

I'm just totally blank this morning as I sit here and type. Been like that most of this week, I'm calling it my totally blond moments. I wander into a room for something and forget why I'm there. My Dad calls them his Senior brain farts. Good old corny Dad!

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally. It starting to seep in that he's not gonna come walking back in the door, even though that's what my crazy head keeps telling me. I know everything is going to be okay, and thank you everyone out there, I can't thank you enough for the prayers and love, it has meant the world to me.

I've kept doing what I'm supposed to everyday to keep this gift of new life. I thank God for His strength, and for carrying my sorry butt through this emotional roller coaster. I've been busy with my Program, the Fellowship, and God has put some others in my path - He knows what I need, and that's outside of me.

Love ya,
Kimberly

God doesn't give me what I want...

But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.

On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.

The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.

God thank you for...

• Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
• For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
• For letting us pack this life full of life
• For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
• Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
  
• For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
  
• For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
• For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
• For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will

Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.

God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.
Kimberly