Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I was tagged - AUUGH!!

Tag I'm It, dog gone it!

My girlfriend, Calm Acceptance tagged me to do this meme, so here goes:

10 years ago:
It was 1998. That was a rough year, looking back, Ray (hubby) was nearing what was his bottom fast. I was in oblivion to my own problem. Working at Auto Trader, struggling feeling miserable most days. Ray had his first seizure that year when he tried to quit drinking, Yes, if your a true alkie you can imagine the chaos in our home.

5 years ago:
It was 2003. I had quit working at Auto Trader and followed the owner to a new company which she dissolved because her heart wasn't in it, I started doing freelance and odd jobs, worked real hard at our ebay business. Ray would be sober 4 years in October, and I would be sober 1 year in June. Boy, what a first year, I walked in a fog the first 9 mos. Had a hard time finding a sponsor, but the one God put in my path was the right one. She walked me through the Big Book, showed me what she was freely given. I did all 12 Steps that first year, WOW, what freedom. I remember things never looked different in my life. I remember struggling with changing me, I remembering still being really sad a lot that first year. Ray and I struggled with emotions, mainly my anger and sadness, but I remember how happy and proud he was that day I received my first year. I was like a "jack in the box" when they asked who was celebrating their AA birthday. The person handing out the coins skipped right past year one and asked for people celebrating 2, he was teasing me, and we both knew it, funny I didn't get mad, but laughed instead. The laughter has continued to this day.

1 year ago:
Last year 2007. Ray and I had moved back to Ohio and have been living here again for 2 years. We did so much last year. Bought a pool, built a new deck with my brother and Rays guidance and design, got him a new flat screen TV, spent time together and with family friends. Ray became closer to my family, my brother Kevin would pick his brain for hours on all the different stuff Ray knew or experienced. My nephew Michael (2 yrs. old) would act afraid of Ray, but that Christmas would crawl up on the couch to snuggle with Ray and watch TV with him. Thank you God for these memories.

I dived into the Program and Fellowship here in Ohio again. Started making wonderful friends, true friendships, that was the year of my "AA Lead Circuit". I was speaking 2 -6 X a month asking God what is it you want me to say, why am I doing this so often, what is your purpose for me? I can look back and see God was preparing me for what was to come. He helped me seek Him out even more, put women in my path, started showing me there was even more to life than I could ever imagine or hope for.

Ray wanted to ride motorcycles again, so I learned and took the written test with him. We bought bikes and started riding together. I took the Motorcycle class in our area and passed. He took a trip to see his half brother who he had not visited in over 13 years. That was a really joyous occasion, and again I see Gods hand preparing both of us for what was to come.

Was invited by a good friend in the program to the Cleveland Indians Home Opener. Had a blast, spent time with friends of the fellowship, and one of my sponsees. She is a blessing in ways she has yet to see, and that is pretty cool. The game flooded me with memories of Ray. It was the first ballgame I had attended without him. He was a huge baseball fan. Saw his favorite player, Jim Thome, even though he is playing for Chicago now, Ray still loved to watch him. Cleveland won - WAHOO! and I missed Ray, but I carry him in my heart wherever I go. Had fellowship in the car on the way home. My friend and I talked about his father and Ray, they both had passed away. How we were reacting and grieving to their deaths. How their deaths brought us closer to God. How we were living this new way of life.

5 snacks I like:
Chocolate ice cream
chocolate chip cookies
fire roasted triscuits and cream cheese
grapes with watermelon

Books I like:
Fiction, such as "The Historian"
Science fiction and non-fiction, such as "Man from Mars" or my "Almanac of Birds"
stories about life, such as, "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho
Alcoholics Anonymous, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, Daily Reflections, 24 Hour Book, Women's Spirit, Drop the Rock, Sobriety Without End
Writers such as Robert Ludlum, Robert Frost, Anne Rice, James Patterson, Paul Coelho, the list goes on and on, but those were a few off the to of my head. Dad taught us the value of reading as children, and I've never lost that passion for a good book.

If I had 100 million dollars:
I would give it to those who need it most, after asking for Gods guidance. He has provided me with everything I need in life and more, I don't have a use for a million dollars.

Places I like to visit:
Not including my own home, I have been all over southern California, Florida, Tennessee, Georgia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, West Virgina, southern New York, Kentucky, Texas, Louisiana, parts of Arizona, Canada, and the farthest trip I've taken was to Tromso and Oslo, Norway.

I would still like to visit the Carolinas, New Hampshire, Maine, Alaska, Washington, Montana and Colorado. I would love to travel to Japan, Australia, parts of Europe and Africa.

5 bad habits:
clutter bug

Pet Peeves:
being mean or vindictive
bad phone etiquette

What I like doing:
Working with people
Seeking God
Working and playing with animals
Riding Motorcycles

What I like to watch:
Nature and learning shows
action movies
movies with depth
Anime movies and shows
M.A.S.H., Andy Griffith, CSI

What I would never wear:
foofoo puffy "peptobismal" pink dress
thong bikini in public
other than that I have to try it to see what I wouldn't wear, sort of a weird question?

Well, thank you Calm Acceptance" this was a trip to past memories this morning, and it was what I needed, but not wanted, as today is a day of grieving.

This morning as I was getting the parrots their breakfast, Bomber is sitting on the kitchen faucet, I'm cleaning their bowls and I break down crying. I put my head down on the edge of the sink and just let the the sobs wash over me. I look up and there's Bomber bent over looking me in the face. The look on his face was "What's wrong? Are you okay? I love you." For once that bird didn't talk, but his expression said it all. Thank you God for all the things in my life today, and for your strength and perseverance to get through them.

You are my all.


Saturday, March 22, 2008

Here I go...

Well, good afternoon to ya all!

Things are moving along like always. life doesn't stop just because my world has been turned upside down. I work my program, work with another alcoholic, keep my spiritual channel to God open, and check my motives. That's all I can do, and I must say it's a pretty full plate doing this, plus just daily tasks.

BUT - it is all great! Thanks God for your strength, your life for me, for giving me a second chance and forgiving and forgetting all I've done. Have a Happy and Blessed Easter Everyone!


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Yes, I am still alive...

Hi everybody!

I know it's been forever since I last wrote in this journal, but I must say that I have been very busy. That's been good for the obvious reason, but it also made me realize how much I am involved with others and my community.

Ray's death has brought me closer to God, and really made seek out what his will is for me know. Cuz to tell ya the truth I got no idea what the hell I want to do (when I grow up - ha ha). I've worked as an artist and Graphic Designer for 20 years (yes more old school), but I'm not really sure that's what I want to continue doing. So, in the mean time while I wait for an answer from God as to which direction he's sending me, because I am noticing small nudges in certain areas right now, I've been looking for a no brainer part time job, that I can throw my heart and head into - and surprise God provided one.

In the mean time God has blessed me with six sponsee to work with and we are working! They are all at different stages in their sobriety, and it is fun and exhilarating to watch them go.

I wish you all the best today. Now get off this damn computer and go enjoy life!


Wednesday, February 20, 2008


Well, I'm not sure where I'm going from here, but let's give it a go. Recently a friend sent me one of those emails, you know the one, fill in the blanks, tell me more about your self kinda questionnaires. So I did and sent it back, but one of the questions was "Four Things I am looking forward to this year 2008?" In they popped 1) Hope 2) Joy 3) Friends 4) Growth.

I know that there is hope today, and all wounds will heal. I know there will be joy again, because the angels God has sent into my path prove that over and over. Today I know what it means to have true friends and how to be an honest friend. And finally, growth, I never want to stop seeking in this new life I have been granted, and I know in my heart he felt the same way for me.

Things had been tough between us, but the bottom line in all of this is that we were a good husband and wife. He would listen to me when I needed to blab, or cry, or just plain bitch. And I would walk beside him when he needed me to, let him do what he wanted in life, and respect and trust him in any decisions he made. The order of our life was always God, Self (not selfish), Spouse, and Others. We knew that God was always first, then we had to stay healthy so we could be there for others and each other.

Looking back I see God's hand in all of this, and feel more reassured and hopeful about life. Ray is in no more pain, he is healthy, happy and whole, and I can hear his laughter in my soul. He knew I would be okay, and he is right.

Well, I'm off to keep looking for work. Run some errands, and then spend some quality time with a friend this afternoon. God bless you all!

Love ya,

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I'm just totally blank this morning as I sit here and type. Been like that most of this week, I'm calling it my totally blond moments. I wander into a room for something and forget why I'm there. My Dad calls them his Senior brain farts. Good old corny Dad!

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally. It starting to seep in that he's not gonna come walking back in the door, even though that's what my crazy head keeps telling me. I know everything is going to be okay, and thank you everyone out there, I can't thank you enough for the prayers and love, it has meant the world to me.

I've kept doing what I'm supposed to everyday to keep this gift of new life. I thank God for His strength, and for carrying my sorry butt through this emotional roller coaster. I've been busy with my Program, the Fellowship, and God has put some others in my path - He knows what I need, and that's outside of me.

Love ya,


Friday, February 8, 2008

God doesn't give me what I want...

But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.

On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.

The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.

God thank you for...
  • Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
  • For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
  • For letting us pack this life full of life
  • For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
  • Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
  • For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
  • For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
  • For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
  • For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will
Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.

God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Tiger or Drunkard?

I found this extremely interesting, so I thought I would share.

I've been studying the Japanese Language in my spare time, I decided to start with the Kanji alphabet, and then go from there. It is a very difficult, and many layered language, but extremely captivating to me.

What I found though was this, that the Kanji character for tiger, is also the same for drunkard. I thought of one of the many misused phrases "sleeping tiger", used in the rooms of AA, and laughed, wondering if that's where the idea was born. Maybe someone translated the text wrong thing they meant sleeping tiger, when really they meant sleeping drunkard. What do you think??