Another New Day

Today is another new day in this new life I've been given - how awesome!

The last couple of weeks have been really busy, which is good, but then I miss doing certain things, like keeping up with this blog. Oh well, I've learned that God puts me exactly where and when He wants me, for a reason today - and that is really COOL!

I've been doing quite a few leads, which I don't mind doing, they are an honor and privilege today. To think someone wants me to stay around today is a blessing. Each lead has been different in feeling and what parts of my story I'm sharing, I can see my God's hand in each lead today, and know that I am doing His will.

Last night was especially heartfelt, I'm not sure why, other than that's where God wanted it to go. I am a real alcoholic as described in the Big Book. I suffered from a hopeless state of mind and body when I got to AA. I didn't come in through treatment centers, I wasn't a guest of the courts, I didn't lose financial stability, but I lost something far greater than all those things. I had lost my soul, and my spirituality. I remember at the age of 8, telling God I hated Him and didn't need Him anymore, "go take care of everything else, but I got my life handled. I don't need you." My Grandma R, had died, and she was the center of my small world. It didn't matter that she'd been ill and in pain for many years, my selfish little heart just wanted her here. When God took her home, I turned my back on Him.

I had alcoholic thinking before I even picked up that first drink. The lies, selfishness, manipulative conning, the using of people for my own ends started way back even before the age of 8. I didn't learn this from my parents, they are loving people who taught me wrong from right, instilled in me good behavior and habits, they taught me the value of an honest days work. I knew in my heart what was wrong and right, I just chose to ignore it and go my own way. That way was filled with pain, heart ache, remorse, anger, fear, sadness. When I finally picked up my first drink I thought I had arrived. I felt beautiful, happy, and was a social butterfly. It helped me to talk, dance, do things I was to scared to try without it.

Alcohol was my solution at the time. Hindsight today shows me it was a poor solution, but it was the only one that worked for me at that time. Alcohol became my friend, confident, lover, fighter, defender, excuse, reason, and more. It took me places, as a women, I should have never been. I should have been killed, stabbed, shot, raped on so many different occasions it's not funny. God was watching over me, he didn't abandon me, but still I didn't see it, I thought I was 6'4" (really 5'4") and bullet proof. I showed no fear, and someone help you, if you made me angry, because I was a fighter. I didn't care how big you were I knew how to take you down, and would. I don't share this because I'm proud of that fact, but to share with you who I was and where alcohol took me.

Drinking was the center of my world, it was the most important when I did anything. I'd go to the beach- pack the cooler, go to the store - take a cup, go to a water park - another cooler, go golfing - there's my buddy alcohol. It was number one in my life. I was a daily drinker, I thought I deserved it, I work hard. I don't think I was at the point where I lost my decision to put it down yet, I just didn't want to, and then somewhere I crossed that line. The thought "don't drink tonight" never crossed my mind. I didn't suffer from hangovers until almost the end, and at the time was really proud of that fact -"ya bunch of light weights, learn how to drink". I know now that was because I was intoxicated most of the time, I never sobered up enough to have a hang over.

Well, the last 2 years and 8 months of my drinking spiraled out of control. My husband, who drank like I did, went to rehab and started going to AA meetings. He got himself a home group, a sponsor, started reading the Big Book and working his steps. He stayed sober and did what he needed to do. I felt abandoned, alone and I spiraled out of control into self pity and resentment. He never once said to me "please don't drink, do you think you need AA, stop drinking", he let me be and took care of his sobriety. My routine was this every day; crawl out of bed at 4:30 am, get to work by 7:30 am, work till 7:30 pm, go home, grab a case of beer (along with about half a bottle of Tequila) and drink that till I almost passed out, then crawl back into bed and do it all over again.

Finally on June 19th of 2002 it all came to a crashing halt. It was the first and only time he asked me not to drink. It was his birthday, and he wanted to go out later, just the two of us. I remember saying "Yea, sure no problem." I meant it to that day, but as soon as the door shut and he went to take a nap. My brain kicked into gear, "There's only two beers in that fridge. Two aren't gonna hurt ya". So two beers and at least a couple of 72 oz. Rum and cokes later I'm down at the pool in the sun.

I feel a shadow fall across me, it's him. He says not a word, the look says it all. The black hole in my soul, the spiritual sickness that is empty and I cannot fill with anything - explodes. I finally see what my drinking is doing to another. I had lived so long in denial, and indifference, this actual feeling seared me to the bone. So, I did what any normal alcoholic does. I went after him with every reason, excuse, or con I could think of to make it okay. I kept at him until I pushed the right buttons of anger.

I don't even remember what was said, I do remember crying so hard I was heaving. He walked away, and my brain wasn't done yet "You know, you're making everyone miserable. Why don't you just kill yourself so they can move on and be happy." I believed my brain that day, and started to take his pain meds, the whole bottle down the hatch. Everything will be okay now. But God had something else in mind that day, and I thank Him for never leaving me.

Hubby walked back in the room, saw what I was doing, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and made me puke it all up. He looked at me and said "You know what you need to do, you know where you need to go to get help." He walked away again, and as I sat on the bed on my hands and knees, no more tears, numb from the pain, I said the first honest thing I ever had in over 25 years, "God I give up, I need Your help! I can't even kill myself, I don't know what to do."

And so my journey began. The solution of using alcohol wasn't working, and I found something that worked for me. That solution for me is God and AA. AA didn't promise me they would show me how to stay sober, they promised to show me how to live this new life that God has blessed me with. Living life today is my solution, I do it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, but I live it today with my God.

I have heard it said before, but I believe this to be true for me.
"God lead me to A.A., and A.A. lead me back to God."
I thank all of you!

Love,
Kimberly