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But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.
On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.
The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.
God thank you for...
- Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
- For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
- For letting us pack this life full of life
- For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
- Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
- For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
- For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
- For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
- For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will
Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.
God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.
Kimberly
Well, I've been really busy this last couple of days. Which is a good thing, I love life, it's such an awesome journey!
Saturday I was busy working on a commission piece of art, picked up gift cards for a childrens home which hubby dropped off, wrapped gifts for a friend whose struggling with 4 kids at home, made cookies, wrapped more gifts for family, went grocery shopping cuz the cupboards getting bare, and went to hear one of my sponsees lead - she did an awesome job! Saturday and Sunday it snowed, then rained, then got cold again and dumped more snow. I love driving in this weather, there is nothing quite like skating in a car - wweeee!
Sunday did some more work on the art piece, went to dinner with Mom and Dad for my birthday - Outback Steakhouse mmmmmmm! Nothing like a good filet cooked medium rare mmmm! It was good to visit with Mom and Dad, chatted a little bit about everything. It wasn't long ago that when they would call me in California, I was on the phone but not really there (as alcoholics you know what I mean). Dad would talk, and I would be "Uh huh, uh huh...." but I wasn't really listening. Today I can really hear things, and God has let me be a part of their lives again. Mom gave me this beautiful handmade two piece dinner set for sushi - I love Japanese food! Sushi being one of my favorites (and not just California rolls, I love sashimi, eel, tuna - mmm 'm getting hungry), but I love a lot of their homemade type dishes too!
Sunday night I went to a meeting and heard the most honest lead I've heard in a looonnggg time. She was thoroughly honest about where she had been and what still goes on today (not a graphic drunkalog), but honesty about her sobriety, the way her mind thinks, and the way she is today with the Steps, a sponsor and a Higher Power of her understanding.
I know that my brain is off kilter, I realize that today because of working the Steps into my daily living. My brain will always be off kilter, but that's okay, because I don't have to take action on anything this crazy head is telling me to. Today I can walk it through a piece at a time, and see what the end result might be, if I'm not sure I leave the decision to God, and He always answers, maybe not as quickly as I want, but He does answer. The dependence I place on God today, has given me such spiritual independence it's incredible.
Today, I finished the piece. Spent some time catching up here and on another blog. Got to say hi to some friends I haven't talked to in a while. Received a Christmas card from a friend I haven't heard from in 3 years, him and his wife were really important to me early in sobriety (story for another day), but I can't wait to write him back in the morning. And went to my Home Group, where we had an excellent discussion on Step 3 in the 12 and 12. I got to hold and feed Kaylee (about 5 mos) - she is the cutest, sweetest, happiest, quietest baby I've ever meet. She is constantly watching everyone, and smiling, she doesn't want to miss a thing at the meetings. It's been a blast watching her and her poppa grow (in their own ways). What a blessing! Thanks God!
Well, I know this was more about a recap of the last couple of days, but as I said, it's busy, and I'm up early tomorrow and running errands. I get to deliver hope to others who are hurting, spend time with a friend, do some work for another, go shopping for my birthday gift from hubby (he knew I needed riding leathers), hopefully get home in time to make dinner, and go to a meeting. I'm trying to stay out of the way, out of me, and hopefully help another while doing God's will not Kimmie's.
God, thank you for this full and wonderful life you have given me, it is more than I could ever have hoped for, and more than I ever deserved.
Love,
Kimberly
I've been busy the last couple of days, which is a good thing. Today is going to be another busy one, but an exciting day. Today, I will do some work at home (I've already been bumping around the house this AM), then go shopping, then hit a meeting in the Akron area, and then I'm off to class. Woo Hoo! - I'm really excited about this class, it's a Life/Nude Figure Drawing class at one of the community art centers. It's been a while since I've taken a class like this, I may have even gotten one of my girlfriends interested in joining in the fun also, and it will be nice to flex these fingers and brain muscles. I'm even thinking about starting to do my photography seriously again. I used to love wandering, and just photographing things that catch my eye. People, places and things...at least today I can appreciate them.
Well, last night at my Big Book discussion we finished Chapter 4 - We Agnostics (starting at pg 54 to 57), and boy was it awesome! I remember being raised with religion in my life, and knowing good from bad, but somewhere along the line I thought "Hey God! I got my life under control here, you go take care of what you need to." For a while my life was fun, pleasant, maybe not fulfilling (but I was just a kid), but somewhere along the way in life things changed. I started to have problems, depression, anger, etc... I crossed that line of where I had the choice to put down the drink.
Well, at the end of the chapter the share part of a fellows story I really relate to a lot! I remember still thinking "God, I got it under control, it'll get better", it never did. It was only when I tried to take my life, and failed, that I finally became humble and honest with myself. I remember saying "God, I give up! I need your help! I can't even kill myself right, I have nowhere else to go." And there He was. He was always there, I just hadn't been seeking Him, so I never saw Him.
Looking back now, I know I had faith in Him, and He never gave up on me. I had misplaced my faith in people, money, things etc., I even took the brief moments in life to appreciate a sunset, or waves, or birds in the sky, but I had always thought "God's to busy, I can take care of me". Today I don't need a "Reason" for Him to exist, I just know He does. Someone shared that "we breath air into our lungs everyday, don't know how it's made, can't see it, but we know it's there. It's the same thing with God, we can't see Him, don't know how He got here, but He is here." I thought that was a great analogy.
Today, I know that God walks with me everyday (and carries me when I need Him most), he is my conscious companion. I can make choices in my life, good decisions: following his will and applying the 12 steps as solutions to my problems/challenges. Or, I can make bad decisions: following my own self will, not applying the steps, dealing with the consequences of my actions, and finally learning my lesson the hard way. The textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous is a guide to life for me, I apply it to more than just my drink problem. I never feel that hole in my soul anymore, I am comfortable in my own skin, and I enjoy doing new things, because today I know God is with me, and he works through others.
Thanks for listening, have an awesome day!
YamaDogGirl
"But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him."
"When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us!"
Page 57, Chapter 4 - We Agnostics, "Alcoholics Anonymous" 4th ed.
