God doesn't give me what I want...

But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.

On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.

The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.

God thank you for...

• Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
• For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
• For letting us pack this life full of life
• For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
• Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
  
• For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
  
• For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
• For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
• For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will

Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.

God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.
Kimberly

We tried and we died.....

BBRRRR! It's cold and snowy this morning! Got the first real serious snow of the year, everything is sleeping, and waiting for spring. It's always so peaceful when it snows, it's one of my favorite things about it, that and it coats everything in a white blanket - very pretty.

The post today was given to me by my first sponsor Pam. It's a serious one, and really good, that's why I saved it for last. This is in memory of all those who have gone before us without help, and to those still sick and suffering out there who have hope today. God Bless you all and have a wonderful day.

Love,
Kimberly

DRUNKS

We died of pneumonia in furnished rooms where they found us three days later when somebody complained about the smell.

We died against bridge abutments and nobody knew if it was suicide, and we probably didn't know either, except in the sense that it was always suicide.

We died in hospitals, our stomachs huge, and distended, and there was nothing they could do.

We died in cells, never knowing whether we were guilty or not.

We went to priests, they gave us pledges, they told us to pray, they told us to go and sin no more, but go.

We tried and we died.

We died of overdoses, we died in bed.

We died in straitjackets, in the DT's seeing God knows what, creeping, skittering, slithering, shuffling things.

And you know what the worst thing was? The worst thing was that nobody ever believed how hard we tried.

We went to doctors, and they gave us stuff to take that would make us sick when we drank, on the principle of "this is so crazy, it just might work", I guess, or maybe they just shook their heads and sent us to places like Dropkick Murphy's.

And when we got out we were hooked on paraldehyde, or maybe we lied to the doctors and they told us not to drink so much, just drink like them.

And we tried, and we died.

We drowned in our own vomit, or choked on it, our broken jaws wired shut.

We died playing Russian Roulette, and people thought we'd lost, but we knew better.

We died under the hoofs of horses, under the wheels of vehicles, under the knives and boot heels of our brother drunks.

We died in shame.

And you know what was even worse, was that we couldn't believe it ourselves, that we had tried.

We figured we just thought we tried, and we died believing that we hadn't tried, believing that we didn't know what it meant to try.

When we were desperate enough or hopeful or deluded or embattled enough to go for help, we went to people with letters after their names, and prayed that they might have read the right books, that had the right words in them, never suspecting the terrifying truth, that the right words, as simple as they were, had not been written yet.

We died falling off girders on high buildings, because of course, ironworkers drink, of course they do.

We died with a shotgun in our mouth, or jumping off a bridge, and everybody knew it was suicide.

We died under the Southeast Expressway, with our hands tied behind us and a bullet in the back of our head, because this time the people that we disappointed were the wrong people.

We died in convulsions, or of "insult to the brain", we died incontinent, and in disgrace, abandoned.

If we were women, we died degraded, because women have so much more to live up to.

We tried and we died and nobody cried (or so we thought).

And the very worst thing was, that for every one of us that died, there were another hundred of us, or another thousand, who wished that we could die, who went to sleep praying we would not have to wake up because what we were enduring was intolerable, and we knew in our hearts it wasn't ever gonna change.

One day in a hospital room in New York City, one of us had what the books call a transforming spiritual experience, and he said to himself "I've got it" (no, you haven't, you've only got part of it) "and I have to share it" (now you've ALMOST got it) and he kept trying to give it away, but we couldn't hear it.

We tried and we died.

We died of one last cigarette, the comfort of its glowing in the dark. We passed out and the bed caught on fire. They said we suffocated before our body burned, they said we never felt a thing, that was the best way maybe that we died, except sometimes we took our family with us.

And the man in New York was so sure he had it, he tried to love us into sobriety, but that didn't work either, love confuses drunks and he tried and we still died.

One after another we got his hopes up, and we broke his heart, because that's what we do.

And the worst thing was, that every time we thought we knew what the worst thing was, something happened that was worse.

Until a day came in a hotel lobby, and it wasn't in Rome or Jerusalem or Mecca, or even Dublin or South Boston, it was in Akron, Ohio, for Christ's sake.

A day came when the man said "I have to find a drunk, because I need him as much as he needs me" (NOW you've got it).

And the transmission line, after all those years, was open, the transmission line was open.

And now we don't go to priests, and we don't go to doctors, or people with letters after their names. We come to people who have been there, we come to each other.

And we try.

And we don't have to die.

– Anonymous

This is the one story Pam gave me, and we never figured out where it came from. Whoever you are, thank you.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Twinkle in your eye...

You walk in the room, and your eyes light it up.
You've got something I want, a peace, a serene calm, a huge smile.
You share your story with me, and it's very funny.
You're as crazy in the head as me, and I feel at home near you.
You know how serious this life is, and you don't downplay that fact.
You share your story with me, and it gives me hope.
I see that we're still crazy, but today it's in a different kind of way.
You see me walk in the room, and your eyes light up.
You tell me kid, I think you got what you want.
- me

Saw Ab last night, it was so good to see him. He's feeling really good for being 150 years old (ha ha - he's really in his 80s). His share was awesome as always, I never grow tired of hearing him. I'm like him in the fact, that I too want to laugh today. Back when I was drinking, I found very damn little to giggle about, let alone be happy. Today, right now, this moment is all I have, and I am going to make the most of it all. He always tells me "You don't have to do what I did to get here, (he drank for 40 yrs) there is hope. You don't have to loose it all - family, friends, business, etc..." I know what he says is true to, I see people at different bottoms coming in all the time, and finding the help they need. He almost always shares this story, and I'm going to pass it on because I think it's a really good one. I hope you enjoy.

"The wisest man in the world"
There once was the wisest man in the world, and he lived on the highest mountain. One day two little boys thought, "We'll trick that wise man, and show him who's smarter." The two little boys said, "We'll catch a little bird, and when we go to the wise man, we'll ask him what is in our hands?" "He will reply a bird." Then we'll answer him, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" If he says, "It's dead, we'll let the little bird go, if he says it's alive, we'll crush it and kill it, proving him wrong either way." We'll show him who's the wisest. So they catch the little bird, and up the mountain they go.

The boys get to the top, and they have the little bird in their hands. They ask him, "Old man what do we hold in our hands?" The man replies, "You hold life." The boys ask, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" The man replies, "That's up to you, it's in your hands."

Today, I know that my sobriety is in my hands, with God and AA's help, I have the power to choose "Life or death." Today, even when it gets tough like it is right now, I choose LIFE. Thank you God, and thanks to all the Angels you sent before me to help me today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly