Yes, I am still alive...

Hi everybody!

I know it's been forever since I last wrote in this journal, but I must say that I have been very busy. That's been good for the obvious reason, but it also made me realize how much I am involved with others and my community.

Ray's death has brought me closer to God, and really made seek out what his will is for me know. Cuz to tell ya the truth I got no idea what the hell I want to do (when I grow up - ha ha). I've worked as an artist and Graphic Designer for 20 years (yes more old school), but I'm not really sure that's what I want to continue doing. So, in the mean time while I wait for an answer from God as to which direction he's sending me, because I am noticing small nudges in certain areas right now, I've been looking for a no brainer part time job, that I can throw my heart and head into - and surprise God provided one.

In the mean time God has blessed me with six sponsee to work with and we are working! They are all at different stages in their sobriety, and it is fun and exhilarating to watch them go.

I wish you all the best today. Now get off this damn computer and go enjoy life!

Love,
Kimberly

God doesn't give me what I want...

But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.

On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.

The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.

God thank you for...

• Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
• For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
• For letting us pack this life full of life
• For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
• Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
  
• For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
  
• For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
• For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
• For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will

Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.

God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.
Kimberly

Recall Notice

The Maker of all Human Beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the mind and body. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Alcoholism, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as defects of character, as it is primarily expressed.

Some symptoms include:
1. Anger
2. Self-pity
3. Dishonesty
4. Impatience
5. False pride
6. Fear
7. Resentment
8. Laziness
9. Envy
10. Insincerity
11. Intolerance
12. Selfishness

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct these shortcomings.

The Repair Technician, herein referred to as God as you understand Him, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.

There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: 1-800-P-R-A-Y-E R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of shortcomings through the inventory procedure.

Next, download forgiveness from the Repair Technician, God as you understand Him, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the defect of character is, God will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Self-forgetfulness
3. Honesty
4. Patience
5. Humility
6. Faith
7. Forgiveness
8. Action
9. Generosity
10. Compassion
11. Tolerance
12. Service

Alcoholics Anonymous--the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will eventually result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on your sponsor.

DANGER: The human being units never responding to this recall action will be doomed to repeat this cycle unless they follow the few simple rules above.

Thank you for your attention!
GOD

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and that they may contact Him any time by "knee mail." The Twelfth Tradition is a recapitulation of the previous eleven.

I thought this was humorous, but also very true. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did. Have a great day, I know that I am because God is walking with again today!

Love,
Kimberly

Another New Day

Today is another new day in this new life I've been given - how awesome!

The last couple of weeks have been really busy, which is good, but then I miss doing certain things, like keeping up with this blog. Oh well, I've learned that God puts me exactly where and when He wants me, for a reason today - and that is really COOL!

I've been doing quite a few leads, which I don't mind doing, they are an honor and privilege today. To think someone wants me to stay around today is a blessing. Each lead has been different in feeling and what parts of my story I'm sharing, I can see my God's hand in each lead today, and know that I am doing His will.

Last night was especially heartfelt, I'm not sure why, other than that's where God wanted it to go. I am a real alcoholic as described in the Big Book. I suffered from a hopeless state of mind and body when I got to AA. I didn't come in through treatment centers, I wasn't a guest of the courts, I didn't lose financial stability, but I lost something far greater than all those things. I had lost my soul, and my spirituality. I remember at the age of 8, telling God I hated Him and didn't need Him anymore, "go take care of everything else, but I got my life handled. I don't need you." My Grandma R, had died, and she was the center of my small world. It didn't matter that she'd been ill and in pain for many years, my selfish little heart just wanted her here. When God took her home, I turned my back on Him.

I had alcoholic thinking before I even picked up that first drink. The lies, selfishness, manipulative conning, the using of people for my own ends started way back even before the age of 8. I didn't learn this from my parents, they are loving people who taught me wrong from right, instilled in me good behavior and habits, they taught me the value of an honest days work. I knew in my heart what was wrong and right, I just chose to ignore it and go my own way. That way was filled with pain, heart ache, remorse, anger, fear, sadness. When I finally picked up my first drink I thought I had arrived. I felt beautiful, happy, and was a social butterfly. It helped me to talk, dance, do things I was to scared to try without it.

Alcohol was my solution at the time. Hindsight today shows me it was a poor solution, but it was the only one that worked for me at that time. Alcohol became my friend, confident, lover, fighter, defender, excuse, reason, and more. It took me places, as a women, I should have never been. I should have been killed, stabbed, shot, raped on so many different occasions it's not funny. God was watching over me, he didn't abandon me, but still I didn't see it, I thought I was 6'4" (really 5'4") and bullet proof. I showed no fear, and someone help you, if you made me angry, because I was a fighter. I didn't care how big you were I knew how to take you down, and would. I don't share this because I'm proud of that fact, but to share with you who I was and where alcohol took me.

Drinking was the center of my world, it was the most important when I did anything. I'd go to the beach- pack the cooler, go to the store - take a cup, go to a water park - another cooler, go golfing - there's my buddy alcohol. It was number one in my life. I was a daily drinker, I thought I deserved it, I work hard. I don't think I was at the point where I lost my decision to put it down yet, I just didn't want to, and then somewhere I crossed that line. The thought "don't drink tonight" never crossed my mind. I didn't suffer from hangovers until almost the end, and at the time was really proud of that fact -"ya bunch of light weights, learn how to drink". I know now that was because I was intoxicated most of the time, I never sobered up enough to have a hang over.

Well, the last 2 years and 8 months of my drinking spiraled out of control. My husband, who drank like I did, went to rehab and started going to AA meetings. He got himself a home group, a sponsor, started reading the Big Book and working his steps. He stayed sober and did what he needed to do. I felt abandoned, alone and I spiraled out of control into self pity and resentment. He never once said to me "please don't drink, do you think you need AA, stop drinking", he let me be and took care of his sobriety. My routine was this every day; crawl out of bed at 4:30 am, get to work by 7:30 am, work till 7:30 pm, go home, grab a case of beer (along with about half a bottle of Tequila) and drink that till I almost passed out, then crawl back into bed and do it all over again.

Finally on June 19th of 2002 it all came to a crashing halt. It was the first and only time he asked me not to drink. It was his birthday, and he wanted to go out later, just the two of us. I remember saying "Yea, sure no problem." I meant it to that day, but as soon as the door shut and he went to take a nap. My brain kicked into gear, "There's only two beers in that fridge. Two aren't gonna hurt ya". So two beers and at least a couple of 72 oz. Rum and cokes later I'm down at the pool in the sun.

I feel a shadow fall across me, it's him. He says not a word, the look says it all. The black hole in my soul, the spiritual sickness that is empty and I cannot fill with anything - explodes. I finally see what my drinking is doing to another. I had lived so long in denial, and indifference, this actual feeling seared me to the bone. So, I did what any normal alcoholic does. I went after him with every reason, excuse, or con I could think of to make it okay. I kept at him until I pushed the right buttons of anger.

I don't even remember what was said, I do remember crying so hard I was heaving. He walked away, and my brain wasn't done yet "You know, you're making everyone miserable. Why don't you just kill yourself so they can move on and be happy." I believed my brain that day, and started to take his pain meds, the whole bottle down the hatch. Everything will be okay now. But God had something else in mind that day, and I thank Him for never leaving me.

Hubby walked back in the room, saw what I was doing, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and made me puke it all up. He looked at me and said "You know what you need to do, you know where you need to go to get help." He walked away again, and as I sat on the bed on my hands and knees, no more tears, numb from the pain, I said the first honest thing I ever had in over 25 years, "God I give up, I need Your help! I can't even kill myself, I don't know what to do."

And so my journey began. The solution of using alcohol wasn't working, and I found something that worked for me. That solution for me is God and AA. AA didn't promise me they would show me how to stay sober, they promised to show me how to live this new life that God has blessed me with. Living life today is my solution, I do it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, but I live it today with my God.

I have heard it said before, but I believe this to be true for me.
"God lead me to A.A., and A.A. lead me back to God."
I thank all of you!

Love,
Kimberly

Giving Back What Is So Freely Given

Well, I'm back on the circuit again. Oh, I don't mind at all, God gave me November off to be thankful, grateful and time to reflect on all that has happened this last year. I'm leading tonight for a wonderful woman at her home group. This is one of the oldest and larger home groups, so yes I'm nervous, but that's okay. I think we should always be nervous, at least a little, keeps us honest. Once I turn my will over to God, and we start with the Serenity Prayer, He takes over and speaks through me with my experience, strength, and hope. I relax a little and He provides us with what we need for the evening.

There has been a lot of change in just the last couple of months. It amazes me how much we grow together, constantly learning, gaining new experience on this journey called life. We had an interesting topic last night - A newcomer asked, "How do I live life on lifes terms? I'm lonely, still unsure." We shared that 1) We are never alone, the God of our understanding is with us all the time. We just need to reach out to Him. 2) We work with our sponsor and actively apply the 12 Steps to our life. 3) We reach out to other women, both for help and to help. 4) We get active in our fellowship, meaning helping whenever possible, not just showing up.

We do not search out another to fill our needs or use for our wants. This is detrimental to ourself and others. This is an important time in our sobriety, at the beginning, many of us shared how we tried dating early in sobriety and it never worked out, because we didn't know how to live, let alone love someone else. We are going to be experiencing great amounts of change in our first year if we actively apply those 12 Steps to our life. We are finding out who we are, establishing a conscious contact with a God of our understanding, being fearless and thorough about our lives, making amends, working on character defects, becoming active, and helping others - whew! Sounds like a lot! But it is worth it all, if we can become well for the loved ones around us, or for the future relationships to come.

It's said many times in meetings "don't date for the first year, women stick with women, men stick with men, don't make any major changes the first year, etc..." I'm sure you've heard them all, no where in the Big Book does it tell us to not do any of these things. These sayings came about because of others experiences, sharing what they learned so others may not make the same mistakes they do, but they don't always apply to all. The suggestion for our sexual conduct can be found on pages 67-69 of Alcoholics Anonymous (you'll have to look it up if you want the answer).

We all get feelings of loneliness from time to time even in sobriety, it's called feeling our emotions. Today we want to feel all of these emotions instead of numbing them with alcohol or drugs. We want to feel overwhelming joy, grief, contentment, anger, peace, despair, hope and so much more. It is part of our life today, the journey is more important then the destination. I know from my experience that I will grieve, that I will have moments of pure joy and happiness, I will feel frustration and anger, but it is what I do with those feelings that is different today. It is important for me to "think, think, think", before I open my mouth or act on impulse for I do not wish to cause others injury. Do I do this gracefully and all the time - NO, I am human, just trying to do my best for today. That is all the God of my understanding asks of me.

So, tonight, I will do my best for God, ask Him to guide me where He wants me to be so I may help another. Thank you for all you have given me, all you have taken from me, and for this journey. Without Gods Undeserved Mercy I would not be alive today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

F.E.A.R.

Morning!

It's been a wonderful, busy past couple of days. I got to buy some gifts for people for Christmas, spend some time with a really great friend, play and talk with a couple of parrots, hold a beautiful Corn Snake a certain special young man is getting for Christmas, laugh and enjoy this busy holiday time of the year. Something I never did in the past.

Today, I am going to help another friend bake cookies for a children's home. The home is having a Christmas party this week for the kids. They will get to see Santa, have good food and cookies, hear a Christmas story and make a craft, and a group of people donated 30 bicycles for these kids on top of everything else - how awesome is that! I believe that is truly the spirit of Christmas, and we get to spread it around all year long today.

A lot of us have heard acronyms for words in the program, but I heard one for F.E.A.R. the other day that really stood out to me. F - false, E - evidence, A - appears, R - real.

How many times did something I know wasn't true get twisted to suit my means and become a reality? How many times did I not bother to find out the truth from the false? It all stems back to my fears in life, whether they were prompted by selfishness, jealousy, anger, etc.., I would twist things to suit my needs. Today, when I don't know the answer, I search it out, I don't have "contempt prior to investigation". If I don't know the answer, I'll tell you I don't! I push my ego and pride off to the side, and we can look for it together (getting us out of self). I don't want to make false evidence appear real today. Today I want to learn - I have become teachable, and want to stay that way.

Thank you God for all the things you put in my path. I know I am right where You want me to be today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Gotta Go, Gotta Go

Off to see a friend, but thought I'd add some humor to our day. I'll have to get back to this later for more. Have a great one kids!

Blessings & Love,

Kimberly

Never Alone

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off, and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.

Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. 'My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.'

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.

'My husband passed away eight days ago,' I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. 'Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.'

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear, a soft halo encircled her blond hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. 'These are for you,' she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. 'When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for.' She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was His angel.

Thank you friend for sending me this, I know I'm never alone.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly