Yes, I am still alive...

Hi everybody!

I know it's been forever since I last wrote in this journal, but I must say that I have been very busy. That's been good for the obvious reason, but it also made me realize how much I am involved with others and my community.

Ray's death has brought me closer to God, and really made seek out what his will is for me know. Cuz to tell ya the truth I got no idea what the hell I want to do (when I grow up - ha ha). I've worked as an artist and Graphic Designer for 20 years (yes more old school), but I'm not really sure that's what I want to continue doing. So, in the mean time while I wait for an answer from God as to which direction he's sending me, because I am noticing small nudges in certain areas right now, I've been looking for a no brainer part time job, that I can throw my heart and head into - and surprise God provided one.

In the mean time God has blessed me with six sponsee to work with and we are working! They are all at different stages in their sobriety, and it is fun and exhilarating to watch them go.

I wish you all the best today. Now get off this damn computer and go enjoy life!

Love,
Kimberly

Hmmmm

Well, I'm not sure where I'm going from here, but let's give it a go. Recently a friend sent me one of those emails, you know the one, fill in the blanks, tell me more about your self kinda questionnaires. So I did and sent it back, but one of the questions was "Four Things I am looking forward to this year 2008?" In they popped 1) Hope 2) Joy 3) Friends 4) Growth.

I know that there is hope today, and all wounds will heal. I know there will be joy again, because the angels God has sent into my path prove that over and over. Today I know what it means to have true friends and how to be an honest friend. And finally, growth, I never want to stop seeking in this new life I have been granted, and I know in my heart he felt the same way for me.

Things had been tough between us, but the bottom line in all of this is that we were a good husband and wife. He would listen to me when I needed to blab, or cry, or just plain bitch. And I would walk beside him when he needed me to, let him do what he wanted in life, and respect and trust him in any decisions he made. The order of our life was always God, Self (not selfish), Spouse, and Others. We knew that God was always first, then we had to stay healthy so we could be there for others and each other.

Looking back I see God's hand in all of this, and feel more reassured and hopeful about life. Ray is in no more pain, he is healthy, happy and whole, and I can hear his laughter in my soul. He knew I would be okay, and he is right.

Well, I'm off to keep looking for work. Run some errands, and then spend some quality time with a friend this afternoon. God bless you all!

Love ya,
Kimberly

I'm just totally blank this morning as I sit here and type. Been like that most of this week, I'm calling it my totally blond moments. I wander into a room for something and forget why I'm there. My Dad calls them his Senior brain farts. Good old corny Dad!

Yesterday was a rough day emotionally. It starting to seep in that he's not gonna come walking back in the door, even though that's what my crazy head keeps telling me. I know everything is going to be okay, and thank you everyone out there, I can't thank you enough for the prayers and love, it has meant the world to me.

I've kept doing what I'm supposed to everyday to keep this gift of new life. I thank God for His strength, and for carrying my sorry butt through this emotional roller coaster. I've been busy with my Program, the Fellowship, and God has put some others in my path - He knows what I need, and that's outside of me.

Love ya,
Kimberly

God doesn't give me what I want...

But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.

On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.

The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.

God thank you for...

• Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
• For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
• For letting us pack this life full of life
• For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
• Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
  
• For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
  
• For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
• For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
• For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will

Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.

God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.
Kimberly

Happy Monday!

Well, yesterday was absolutely stunning here! So I went for a motorcycle ride - WOOHOO! God, it felt great, thank you!

I've been really busy, but it also is great today. It seems a lot of us have been busy, pretty cool!

I've lead twice this year already and have three more in the coming week, you'd think people would be tired of my voice, but apparently not. God has put me right where I need to be, and here is a perfect example:

Thursday night I walked into a meeting I have not been able to get to in a while because of other commitments. I walk in and Fred looks at me and says, "Hey, we heard you were dead?!", I replied "Well come over here and hug a dead girl." We all laughed and then Bill explained that it was a different Kimberly that had unfortunately been killed. So please keep her and her family in your prayers.

Bill and I started to talk, and he said that he'd missed a lot of us women at the meeting. We were all in different directions, other commitments or meetings, work or school. I told him it was great that he missed us, but why did it matter so much to him? He told me he was worried that if a woman newcomer walked in there would be no contact for her. The old saying of guys with guys, and girls with girls is important for a reason, but not a steadfast sticking point when help is needed. I told Bill that I would leave him my number in case that ever happened, but also told him that God takes care of us and there would be someone here when they were needed.

Well, kids, God does provide! I was leading that night and we had three new women walk in that door, and two new men, and another man who had moved to our area and was attending for the first time. God helped me share my experience, strength, and hope that evening. Two of the new women reached out and thanked me. We spoke briefly, and I gave them my number if they ever needed to talk, listen or wanted a ride to a meeting. I explained to them to just keep the number, if you don't use it, great, if you do use it, great also.

We made sure all the newbies had a Big Book, meeting directory and numbers before they left. Some asked about other good meetings to attend, and others ran for the door as soon as I was finished, but either way it was great! God put me right where I needed to be, He had me say exactly what He wanted me to, and with a little hope and willingness maybe someone heard what they needed. Sometimes I don't know what the outcome is for a newbie, and other times I get to watch them grow, either way it kept this alcoholic sober for the day.

A group of us are going to the N.U.T.S. study on Wednesday. I've made a commitment to attend all of these meetings (from January to May), and absorb as much as God wants of me. The introduction was really good. lash505, wanted to know why the Big Book is blue and called the Big Book? So I will talk to Gail and ask her, she touched on it briefly, but I can't remember (fried too many cells I think) So hopefully I will have an answer sometime after Wednesday.

Sunday I got to see a friend and her husband. It was really awesome to reconnect, we exchanged emails so hopefully we will stay in touch more. She is a very vibrant and funny woman, and I feel the glow of life exude from her. She would have been one of the woman I would've latched on to as a newbie in early sobriety. Instead I get to be a friend and walk a little of this journey together. Thank you and I love you Joni!

I'm gonna get moving, it's still really nice today, so maybe I'll get another ride in before old man winter gets wise. Have a great and blessed day!

Love,
Kimberly

Feeling Frisky...

Wow! I have been in an extra, super duper (i know, corny), terrific, frisky mood! It's been a really great week, and there is no particular reason. It just is what it is, not good or bad.

The weird thing is the last couple of days I've been at various stores out and about, and I've seen some of the most unhappy, angry people I've ever seen. I know it must be from the holidays coming up, the stress others feel, so I just keep putting on my happy face. In fact yesterday the deli guy commented on it. This is how it went... I went up to get some sliced Maple Ham. I thought hot grilled cheese (cheese oozing, of course) with ham would be awesome and a cup of rich tomato soup (made with milk, of course) would be awesome, and I knew hubby would be in heaven. So as I approach the counter a very nice man smiled at me and asked, "How are you today?" I replied, "I am awesome! It's been a great week!" He looked surprised, then asked "Really why?" "No particular reason, I'm just grateful and thankful for everything. I feel good and want to spread that cheer." He was surprised still, and said he'd had a lot of customers, unhappy ones, with numerous problems. I think he was a little cheered when I left his counter, he was smiling at least.

I know that my mood can effect others around me, I've seen me do it before. It's not because I'm all that or something, but I remember how I would go out of my way to dwell on the negative, push every button I could, and justify my thinking it was right to make every one around me as miserable as I felt. Today, I don't want to feel that ick anymore, and I definitely don't want to share it with others. That doesn't mean life is a big happy smiling face, because it isn't all the time. I have problems, and challenges in my life just like every one else, but my attitude is what starts my day.

If I start out cranky, and don't do anything to lift my mood before my feet hit the floor, I'll be quiet around others and vent my frustrations (generally, out on hubby). If I start out in a good mood, I still do something to ensure that it will stay with me all day. That "something" is talking to God in the morning. I talk to him like I do my friends, let my mind wander over various things going on in life, then I stop and listen, relax and really feel my surroundings. Either way He helps me start my day, I decide whether to be cranky (self-will run riot) or content and happy (His will for me). The longer I live these steps actively, the less days of crankdom I have, but they are never gone completely and that's cool today.

I had a lot of different things go on this week. Monday was my birthday, it was pretty calm. Tuesday I got up real early, ran some errands, visited with a sponsee, delivered some help and maybe a little hope to a family in need. Shopped for some new leathers and found exactly what I want for my birthday from hubby. Scrambled home with dinner and went to a great meeting. Came home, hung out with the birds and then crashed into bed.

The errands were no big deal, it was the last little bit of Christmas shopping I had to do. Visiting with the sponsee was the big part of my day. She's really going through a challenging part of her life right now. She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen, she has grown so much in the last year in her program, and in her quest for finding God, she is one of the funniest people I've ever had the pleasure to hang with, and she helps keep me sober another day. The place she works is not very nice, they don't treat any of their employees fairly, nor their patients, and have had a lot of people just up and quit. This is where her stress comes in, trying to cover extra shifts, doing her job well and putting up with the stress trickling down from her bosses. She tells me how tired she is, and that she doesn't feel well, but she doesn't have to, because I can hear it in her voice and see it in her face. So we talked for quite a while, and came up with some solutions to her problems. She's been feeling much better, and is excited because she's off on Saturday.

Wednesday I didn't want to get up, my body said "oohhh, stay in this nice warm cozy bed." So I did for quite a while. Then I got up meandered around the house, read some blogs, left some comments. Then I heard the couch (yes, I'm loco in la cabasa), "kimmmiiieee, kimmie, you know you want to crash on me, come lay down and snuggle with a good book." So I crashed for a while. My body just needed a day of rest, and today I listen. Going full tilt, like a whirling dervish, I can stop and listen to my body and rest. It felt wonderful to just hang out at home.

The parrots were estatic! Bomber talked all day. He has quite the repertoire. This is some of his litany of phrases: "Wanna go outside, come on baby. Wanna go outside - Chelsea", "Brrr" "Whatsa matter - hmmmm? Are you okay?" "Are you pretty, pretty, pretty - oh look how pprreetttty!" "And up, and up, work those thighs - work'em" This one his old owner liked to work out to videos (get your mind out of the gutter). And one of my all time favorites "bap ba bap ba baaa - SUPERBIRD!" He sticks his head way out and says this one rather proudly. He loves to talk during the movies, and phone conversations, he sounds and acts like he's a part and it's pretty funny. He's been quite a blessing to me, but is on hubby's short list, especially since he bit him again that day.

Tretoe played in my lap, chortling, clicking, and whistling away. Running under the pillow between my leg and the chair. Climbing back up on my shoulder, under my hair, nibbling on my ear. I swear he thinks I'm his personal chew toy. He was so happy, his eyes dilating like crazy, his tail flashing. He started my day with a laugh anyway. I'm laying in bed, and I hear him whistle for me. He whistles like when you call a dog to you, or are trying to get someones attention. It made me chuckle, he was telling me to get my lazy butt moving that he wanted fed and attention. He also does the wolf whistle, and tells ya to "C'mere" in this little squeaky voice.

Cocoa, she is plain loco! Running all over the floor, up the chair, down the chair, back and forth between hubby and I, round and round, across the floor and back, she's a lunatic child, and wears me out just watching her. She is the clown, the animated one of the group, and is pretty damn entertaining in her own way. In fact, all three are better than TV any day.

They did all eventually settle down, and had their afternoon nap with hubby. Tretoe asleep in my hair, Cocoa on hubby's leg as he snored away, and Bomber, assuming the position, one leg up, head tucked on his favorite rope perch. I felt very content and very blessed.

There still is so much more to share, but I've rambled on enough for now. I think I'm gonna take care of some chores around the house, sauna, and then hubby and I are gonna spend some time at home together tonight. I love you all and thank God for all the blessings in my life. Have a great day!

Love,
Kimberly

Thankful, Atmosphere, and more...

Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.

If you appreciate life, share this with your friends, and even people you don't know.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings.
Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible.
Thank you, Lord , that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising.
Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.
Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in magazines, and the menu is at times unbalanced.
Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous.
Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day, and wish my circumstances were not so modest.
Thank you, Lord, for life.

Pass this on if you choose. It might help to make this world a better place to live, right?

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure, and someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.
Thank you Lord, for these gifts.

Atmosphere (Song title)

once I had a halo,
but then it caught on fire

once I knew a good man,
but he turned into a liar

once I saw a blind man
still looking for his eyes

once I met a bastard
who watched his father die

and now
I'll tell ya how
I know them all

I'm looking down on the atmosphere
I took my number and I waited in line

I'm not frail from the exposure
I'm taking pictures with my mind

once I met a leader
born from genocide

once I knew a preacher
to his faith he said goodbye

once I met a good girl
who shows her face no more

it's hard to learn your lesson
when you've become the whole worlds whore

and this is how
I know them all

looking down on the atmosphere
looking down on the atmosphere
I took my number and I waited in line

– Shinedown, "us and them"

I related to this song so much the first time I heard it, it reminds me of where I've been, and can return to if I don't actively apply my program. It also reminded me that I am never alone or unique.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fufilled among us–sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." pg 83 & 84, AA

Thank you God for putting exactly what I need in my path everyday.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Three Things

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back...
Time, Words, Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost...
Peace, Hope, Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable...
Love, Self-Confidence, Friends

Three things in life that are never certain...
Dreams, Success, Fortune

Three things that make a person...
Hard Work, Sincerity, Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a person...
Resentment, Pride, Anger

Three things that are truly constant...
God, Self, Others

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg — not by smashing it." — Arnold Glasow

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Some favorite Poems, quotes I came across...

There are at least 2 people in this world whom you would die for.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
The only reason anyone would ever hate you,
is because they want to be just like you.
A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
You are special and unique.
Someone who you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look.
Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember....
when life hands you lemons, ask for water and sugar and call me!
Good friends are like stars........
You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

"Whenever God Closes One Door,
He Always Opens Another...
Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"

It's better to give one rose, and a kind word to a friend while they're here, than a whole truck load when they're gone. Always remember to "stop and smell those roses"

I've been really busy, sorry, but life is just to much fun. I was asked the other day "What is my favorite journey?" I replied, "this life." Even with all the rough bumps in it, I wouldn't be who I am, nor where I am today!


Blessings & Love,
KIimberly

Twinkle in your eye...

You walk in the room, and your eyes light it up.
You've got something I want, a peace, a serene calm, a huge smile.
You share your story with me, and it's very funny.
You're as crazy in the head as me, and I feel at home near you.
You know how serious this life is, and you don't downplay that fact.
You share your story with me, and it gives me hope.
I see that we're still crazy, but today it's in a different kind of way.
You see me walk in the room, and your eyes light up.
You tell me kid, I think you got what you want.
- me

Saw Ab last night, it was so good to see him. He's feeling really good for being 150 years old (ha ha - he's really in his 80s). His share was awesome as always, I never grow tired of hearing him. I'm like him in the fact, that I too want to laugh today. Back when I was drinking, I found very damn little to giggle about, let alone be happy. Today, right now, this moment is all I have, and I am going to make the most of it all. He always tells me "You don't have to do what I did to get here, (he drank for 40 yrs) there is hope. You don't have to loose it all - family, friends, business, etc..." I know what he says is true to, I see people at different bottoms coming in all the time, and finding the help they need. He almost always shares this story, and I'm going to pass it on because I think it's a really good one. I hope you enjoy.

"The wisest man in the world"
There once was the wisest man in the world, and he lived on the highest mountain. One day two little boys thought, "We'll trick that wise man, and show him who's smarter." The two little boys said, "We'll catch a little bird, and when we go to the wise man, we'll ask him what is in our hands?" "He will reply a bird." Then we'll answer him, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" If he says, "It's dead, we'll let the little bird go, if he says it's alive, we'll crush it and kill it, proving him wrong either way." We'll show him who's the wisest. So they catch the little bird, and up the mountain they go.

The boys get to the top, and they have the little bird in their hands. They ask him, "Old man what do we hold in our hands?" The man replies, "You hold life." The boys ask, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" The man replies, "That's up to you, it's in your hands."

Today, I know that my sobriety is in my hands, with God and AA's help, I have the power to choose "Life or death." Today, even when it gets tough like it is right now, I choose LIFE. Thank you God, and thanks to all the Angels you sent before me to help me today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Spiritual Thursday!

I love Thursday, particularly, every other Thursday. Why? you ask, because a group of us girls in AA get together, and are working through a life recovery book.

This book takes examples from the Bible, and relates them to the 12 Steps of AA, the Serenity Prayer, and some other stuff I haven't even touched or looked at yet. It's not for everyone, but I enjoy it immensely, and glean things about myself, and what I think my H.P. is all about from the discussion. Plus, as a bonus I get to see these wonderful women from AA that I've come to rely on as part of my support group. (God knows how much I hated YOU women when I came into the program of AA, but that's a story for another day). I'm very excited and can't wait.

It's a little chilly here today, but I thank God for the last couple of days of warmth. I actually got to ride my Yamaha 125, before putting it away for winter. The rides were beautiful, all the leaves changing, the sunshine and robin's egg blue sky - aaahhh! sigh*** It will just make me appreciate the coming spring that much more.


I know this is short, but I've got things to do, I read this quote and absolutely loved it:

"If I ever get to heaven it will be from running away from hell" - Father Ed

Bless & Love,
Kimberly