God doesn't give me what I want...

But He does give us the answers we need.The last ten days have been tough, but I know God is walking with me, giving me His strength, and I am doing the foot work required.

On Wednesday morning my husband, Ray, went to be with God and his family. My heart screams NO! But my soul knows that God knew this was his time to come home. It was very unexpected, it feels unreal, my body and mind are still in shock. I am sorry I haven't been able to keep writing more regularly, and this is why. I told God that I would patiently await his answer on where life was going with us, and Wednesday morning He replied. I wasn't happy about the answer at all, I kicked and screamed and said NO, NO, NO! It was an option I never even thought about, one I could never imagine. I realize though that God never makes mistakes. I can see that I was there for Ray, loving him when he couldn't see past his own pain anymore, loving him when he couldn't love himself. That is what God wanted of me, to stay healthy, to follow His will, and He is taking care of the rest. I know it will all be okay, it sucks, but God is telling me it will be okay.

The women and men of this program are helping me by reaching out, and letting me reach back. I pray to God for His strength, and he is giving it to me through them. The prayers and love have been so much. I thank all of you, I thank God for you, and I thank God for this time He gave me with a man I truly loved like no other.

God thank you for...

• Letting Ray and I live each day together, good and bad
• For giving us opportunities to share life with others and each other
• For letting us pack this life full of life
• For letting Ray have some fun, even through the torturous physical pain
• Thank you for putting him in my path, to share a small part of this journey together
  
• For letting me truly learn what it is to love another selflessly, even when I'm not graceful about it at all, and make mistakes
  
• For his goofy grin, corny stories, HUGE heart and lovable laugh
• For all the things You taught us to prepare for this moment
• For showing me over, and over again, even before this very moment, that YOU are in our lives, moving amongst us even when we choose to ignore YOUR will

Thank you God for loving us all, for ending Ray's pain, and taking him into Your loving arms. And even though this "SUCKS", it is Your will and I see Your way, and will continue to seek it out daily, and know that it will be okay.

God Bless you all, cherish, protect, and love this new life we have been given.
Kimberly

Reflecting...

Well, I hope all had a good Christmas, and as we get closer to the end of another year I find my self reflecting, pondering, and sometimes wondering - what was I thinking?! - occurred this past year.

This year seemed to fly by, faster then usual, at least it seemed that way to me. I can remember certain details so vividly in life, and others have succumbed to the memory monster. It amazes me that I can not remember what I ate for dinner last night, but can remember my first meeting back in this area 3 years ago.

I remember walking up to the church, the large gathering of people, all joking, laughing and smiling. What stands out the most, was the group of women, all standing together in a row. Twos and threes in serious discussion, or just talking about nothing of importance, they weren't standing in a row on purpose, that's just the way it was. I remember walking up and seeing this very tall, very beautiful women. I remember she gave off a slight vibe of intimidation, the feeling of you can't lie to me because I can smell your B.S. from here. It made me chuckle, because I used to give off that intimidation vibe very strongly, and I'm sure I still do but to a much smaller extent.

Anyway, she was talking with two other women, and I walked up to all three, stuck out my hand and introduced myself. I remember how happy, and giddy I felt. I was back at home in another meeting half way across the country from where I had started my new journey. There must have been at least 12 women there, and double the men. All of them were at different spots in their journey, some just starting, others very far along.

Like everything else in my life, I had no idea what God had in store for me. That tall blond and her husband have become very important people in my life and many others. We laugh today about our vibe, and have put other women in our lives that have softer edges, so we can learn what that's like. I guess I should explain this a little better?!

J and I are very much alike in many ways. We both ended up doing, saying and being in places we said we never would. We both became very intimidating. I still remember never being afraid to attack anyone, man or woman, the bigger the better. My tiny little 5'4" inch frame that weighed 120 lbs, had and would go after some guy built like a linebacker for Greenbay. I know today that it was fear that drove me, but back then NEVER - I'll show you what to fear, was my thinking. Well, with an attitude like that you can just imagine I was in places and with people that probably should, and could have killed me. Then I started this new journey with us (AA). We walked, and talked, cried and laughed, we still do it today.

The women in a line that day, all but 2 or 3, have and are still in each others lives. We have become good, honest friends. They have saved my butt on more than one occasion, when my mind wouldn't quiet, or I didn't know what to do next. They have helped keep me sober for one more day so many times. We have studied the text of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 & 12, we have done 12 Step calls, we have become active inside and outside the rooms of fellowship, we have learned the history of AA and what it means to us, we have been there for each other and others, we continue to carry the message to those who are ready. We have worked on our defects of character, and find those around us we want to be like, we still have that willingness and passion for this program, and we are still learning more each day.

They told me there was great growth for me this year, and of course, I only see a little, but I do feel some change. I'm just now starting to realize what my personal principles are, what I do like and what I do just to please others. I am finding the little girl within me that I thought I had lost so long ago, the one I thought I'd killed with my disease. But she's not dead, never was, she was just playing hide and seek until she knew I was ready. Shes not a striking beauty, but she's a cute, happy, loving person, who just wants to share that love and happiness with others. It's so good to see her again. I realized just how many people this last year God has put in my path, for various reasons, and we all care about each other very much. Men and women, and they are all true friends - what a weird, wonderful feeling - to know that we are here for each other, and would do almost anything to help.

Thank you:
For letting us know we are never alone God
For the true friendships we have today
For the release from bondage, even when we take it back
For all the people you have put in our path
For teaching us how to use the gifts you've given us of Hope, Love, Honesty, Purity and Unselfishness, and so much more
For Your Undeserved Mercy
For another day

We can not become what we want to be by remaining what we are!

Love,
Kimberly

Chasing

"If you keep do, do, doing, you'll wind up with doodoo!"

This was a subject that came up tonight, now I'll put it into context. We were sharing at a life recovery bible group some of the women started, and one shared that she wanted to become closer to God, get into His word, and really study. Her goal is to become "God-Like" (not in the sense that she's God), just close to God as she can get. I think it's awesome, and so did the other women. It's what God wants of us, to come closer to Him, to seek Him. Anyway, she shared that she felt like she was chasing Him, and that she wasn't feeling that "feeling", like a spiritual awakening, but stronger, I and the other women understood that feeling (hope you do to).

Another women (I call her P.) shared that early in her sobriety, and even for some time, she chased that feeling, she wanted 10 years of sobriety in one year. Her sponsor told her that never happens, we did years of drinking, we don't get better overnight. She (P.) went onto explain, that we have seasons (or time frames) in our life, a Spring (where we bloom), Summer (we're warm & fuzzy, having fun), Fall (we reflect & are thankful), and Winter (a dark period before new growth). We could go through all these seasons in a day, a week, a month or years, but we constantly do go through them.

But, we both came to the same conclusion. That if I'm to busy chasing, and running, and doing, and not slowing down, because I'm in to big of a hurry to get to that "feeling" or cram 10 years into 1 year, then I'm not enjoying the journey. The journey is what it's all about, not the destination. The journey gets me closer to God, the journey teaches me lessons. I feel joy, peace, serenity, sadness, pain, etc., but through the journey I get change, and closer to my "conscious contact with God".

WOOHOO! It was an awesome night! Thank you God, thank you ladies, you know who you are, you just have no idea how much you help me!

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly