One More Day

Good morning world!

Well things are much better today, and doing the Gratitude List yesterday really helped!

I guess I should explain in a general way what's going on so you understand, and I can see it in writing.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, we have been through drunks together, sobriety together, and life's ups and downs together. He suffered a back injury around 1999. He has 11 Herniated discs and half of them are ruptured. Obviously, this causes him a lot of pain. But, God has taken care of him, and I'm very thankful for His Grace. He does therapy, sees his doctors regularly, and takes his medication as prescribed. He has good days, and he has bad days, and we take full advantage of the good days together.

There is a reading in the book "A Women's Spirit", a daily meditation book for women. On August 10th, this is the reading:

Life is short; eat dessert first. - Joy Sommers

"Some say that attitude is everything. Many of us have endured abusive families, unreasonable bosses, and the uncertainty of illness. But but not all of us carry the pain and fear of the past into the present. We have found new patterns of thinking and behaving now that we've come to this program for help. Here we cultivate the attitude that we each are doing the best we can with the knowledge we have. We can forgive ourselves for our transgressions.

When we decide to let go of experiences that can't be changed, we find so much more joy in the present. The decision to seek joy and love now is like eating dessert first. The quickening pace of our lives as we age is reason enough to grasp every moment and savor its joy"

– Being more light-hearted today promises me memories worth savoring. –

I always know when I take back the resentment of my husbands condition, because I become sad and angry with him. When I do my gratitude list and read this meditation it reminds me to give it back, and let go. I've learned that the more I depend on my higher power (God), the more free I am.

What started this whole episode of taking it back was his motorcycle trip down south. I was really happy for him when he decided to get the motorcycle, he hadn't ridden in years, and has been riding since childhood. I was concerned about his back, but he said it didn't hurt to ride. So, off he went for 2 weeks, calling me daily, wishing I was with him (it's hard to find sitters for 3 parrots, a lab and a cat), me wishing I was with him, and all the pretty scenery and people he was meeting on the way. He had a great time, I enjoyed the relative quiet at home (pretty noisy with parrots), and things were great. I started to really miss him 2 days before he was to arrive back. At this time his back started hurting him, he would ride for shorter periods and stop to rest. The last day home should have been a 5 hour trip and it took him 11 hours to get here with all his stops for rest. I was concerned but he kept in touch, and finally arrived safely all excited from his trip.

This is when something started nagging at the back of my mind. After he arrived home he was laid up for about a week. The nagging in my brain continued, so I finally I did an inventory on it to try to see it more clearly. I was jealous of the fact he got to go, I was mad at him because he was in pain now and never complained about it on the trip. But as soon as he arrived he was hurting (my selfish mind is telling me that it's me causing him the pain). I was mad because the intimacy (snuggling, cuddling, etc.) in our relationship was strained because of his back, YET he could ride a motorcycle. It has been very hard for us to communicate lately, largely because neither of us are listening to the other. On top of that were both alcoholics and are perceptions are very different.

Now, I learned a long time ago never, ever to work his program, and he never works mine. It don't work, and resentments will fill up faster then drunks getting beer for free at a bar. So how do I approach him, well I asked a couple of women in the program who have dealt with the same situation I'm in now. They shared their experience, strength and hope with me, and told me the solutions that worked for them. So now I am applying this advice, and we are slowly making our way through this together. It's not easy (life isn't always), but we had a good talk yesterday. I guess what made me so sad yesterday was the fact that I do love him very much, and I do want this relationship to work, but I know that only God's Will is gonna prevail, not mine. Hence there's the taking back part, women alcoholics are such control freaks (at least I am). I hope this makes some sort sense, I'm not used to writing a journal, but I thought it would be fun and good for me.

So here is my gratitude list to God for today:
thank you for my sponsee who celebrated 2 yrs yesterday
thank you for Desi, she always brightens my day and is growing by leaps and bounds
thank you for the women friends I have in this program
thank you for the two great leads I heard this weekend
thank you for the sky, the sun, the moon and stars
thank you for the people you put in my life
thank you for taking care of my husband
thank you for forgiving me, even before I do something bad
thank you for my health
thank you for my talent
thank you for my life
thank you for my 3 boisterous parrots
thank you for the new kitty, who has adopted us completely (she leaves presents every morning)
thank you for Belle (doggie), and each day more you grant us with her
thank you for everything...

One last story and I'll shut up for today, but I thought this was funny.

Never do your 5th with your dog!

A gentlemen I heard lead this weekend stated, "Never do your 5th step with your dog", he had decided to do this. One day while with his sponsor in the car, his sponsor asked him how his 4th step was coming, and when he was ready to take his 5th step. The guy replied, "Oh, I already finished my 4th and took the 5th step." Sponsor said great, "Did you go to a Priest?" "No." "Did you go to someone I know?" "Weellllll, yes." " Who was it?" The sponsee tells him it was my dog (name of dog omitted). The sponsor slams on the brakes in the middle of the rode, looks at his sponsee and growls, "Well boy, it's easy to lie to a dog isn't it!" (I have a mental picture of Popeye's Pappy from this line). Needless to say, the sponsee quickly found someone else (human) to do his 5th step with that week.

Take care, have a great day & Bless you all!
YamadogGirl