Well, I've been posting a little about what is happening on the homefront, so I thought I would go into more detail, and explain the problems and solutions I'm applying.
My husband and I are both alcoholics by our own admissions. He became sober Oct. 5th of 1999, and I finally got it on June 20th 2002. He continued to do what he needed to in order to stay sober. I continued drinking for almost another 3 years, but when I did hit my bottom I knew where to get help. Things were moving along for both of us, each working our steps, working with our sponsors, and attending meetings, both alone and together. We try never to work the others program, trust me it's not a fun experience. We then decided to move from California back to Ohio.
This is where things started to change for both of us. I started attending meetings here on a daily basis, and have made lots of new friends, and worked with other alcoholics. I continue to search out a God of my understanding, and broaden my spiritual condition. I continue to pass on the Steps to other alcoholics (women), and give away what was so freely given to me. I try to apply the Steps to my life (whole life), but here lay the problem, and my frustrations. The following had started occurring over the last 3 - 5 years, and became very noticeable (resentments) to me in this last year. He has attended 2 meetings since we moved here, he has worked with one alcoholic since we moved, he does keep in touch with a few AA friends from his home group in California, and he tells me he prays everyday. The intimacy in our relationship is nil, and I feel more like a room mate then a wife. Of course my "itty bitty shitty committee" in my head started up, I started to feel inadequate, I started to feel let down, I felt maybe he was in trouble, whenever we argued it was my fault, etc.... Are you starting to see a pattern. "I". It's not all about me. So this is what I've been doing.
I continue to work with others, attend meetings, study my Big Book, and search so I can keep expanding my spiritual condition.
The women in the rooms suggested that I ask him direct questions to certain things, and really listened to what he said. If I am not sure what he said, ask him to repeat it again, and then tell him what my brain interpreted so I know we are both on the same page. Sounds long and drawn out, but it sucks, if he says something like "I wanna go on a trip south to see relatives", and what I hear is "I wanna go south on vacation by myself cuz I don't want to be near you." See how my brain still can project old thinking.
Well, he really did take a motorcycle trip, I couldn't go with him because it's real hard to find someone to watch three parrots, but when he was ready to go I was happy for him. He has had major back pain for about 5 years now, he has 11 herniated disks, half of them are ruptured, the cold and excessive activity make it worse, and wear him out physically for days to weeks at a time. When he decided to buy the bike, "I'm concerned, won't it hurt your back?" He told me, "No, the way the bike sits is real comfortable, and I don't go very far." So I'm thinking this bike is a great new outlet for him. He has had to stop playing numerous sports that he loved because his body just can't, it's hard for him to sleep, work in the yard, sit for extended periods, etc... So off he goes, calling me daily, telling me the fun he is having, and he isn't complaining about the pain even when I ask. Then four days before he is to start the return trip, he's feeling tired, in lots of pain, and is having to ride 30 minutes and stop for 30. Well my brain kicks in to high gear, "it's not really his back it's you he doesn't want to come home to." See why I call them the "itty bitty shitty committee", dropped me right back into my selfish ways.
So I found out after much searching, inventory, and 5th step action, that I had stopped doing things because I'm reacting to him, and listening to my own SELFISH heart. I stopped hugging and kissing him because I felt rejected, stopped sleeping in the same room because he would toss and turn at night , I stopped calling him when on my way home (he knew where I was). I felt like a care taker not a wife, doing a lot of the chores (not all), and being compensated by being able to work out of the home. I would feel, irritated when talking or doing something with him because my resentments were building up.
A friend suggested I read "The Family Afterward" again. To this friend "THANK YOU!!!!!!" I had forgotten how much info was in there to help with our problem. The following in quotes are taken from Chapter 9 - The Family Afterward, pages 122 - 135, from the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
"All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance (endurance or permitting of freedom of opinions differing from our own), understanding (to comprehend, to grasp without explanation), and love (fondness that delights or captures the mind, pre-eminent kindness). This is a process of deflation (to undo)."
Had I been tolerant? No, I was trying to make him see my way only. What he's telling me is that he is OK, that he is comfortable in his own skin, and that he is doing what he needs to on a daily basis. Whether he is telling me the truth or not, I don't know, and it doesn't matter - I AM NOT GOD. To be tolerant - I have to permit and accept that he has opinions different then me, and respect those opinions. I do not have to share them or endorse them.
Had I been understanding? No, again I was trying to make him understand my point of view. He is doing things in his program that work for him, they might not work for me, but I don't always fully grasp something without explanation. Again, whether he is telling me the truth or not, I don't know, and it doesn't matter - I need to learn to become understanding, and when I don't fully grasp something ask questions.
Finally, had I been loving? No, not entirely. I would talk to him and get the silent treatment. I would try to be intimate, and get rejected. I would try to kiss or hug him, and be rebuffed. My ego was tired of being rejected, so I gave up. He would tell me that it's because of his back pain, or that he is tired, or that he can't talk to me without us having a fight. Whether he is telling me the truth or not, or it's all just excuses, it doesn't matter, I love him still, and hope the best for him everyday.
(I had no idea how long I had been going on... I will have to continue this in another post)
Tonight I am going to see a sponsee get her 3rd year Anniversary coin - she has no idea how much she's helped me.
Blessings & Love,
Kimberly
My husband and I are both alcoholics by our own admissions. He became sober Oct. 5th of 1999, and I finally got it on June 20th 2002. He continued to do what he needed to in order to stay sober. I continued drinking for almost another 3 years, but when I did hit my bottom I knew where to get help. Things were moving along for both of us, each working our steps, working with our sponsors, and attending meetings, both alone and together. We try never to work the others program, trust me it's not a fun experience. We then decided to move from California back to Ohio.
This is where things started to change for both of us. I started attending meetings here on a daily basis, and have made lots of new friends, and worked with other alcoholics. I continue to search out a God of my understanding, and broaden my spiritual condition. I continue to pass on the Steps to other alcoholics (women), and give away what was so freely given to me. I try to apply the Steps to my life (whole life), but here lay the problem, and my frustrations. The following had started occurring over the last 3 - 5 years, and became very noticeable (resentments) to me in this last year. He has attended 2 meetings since we moved here, he has worked with one alcoholic since we moved, he does keep in touch with a few AA friends from his home group in California, and he tells me he prays everyday. The intimacy in our relationship is nil, and I feel more like a room mate then a wife. Of course my "itty bitty shitty committee" in my head started up, I started to feel inadequate, I started to feel let down, I felt maybe he was in trouble, whenever we argued it was my fault, etc.... Are you starting to see a pattern. "I". It's not all about me. So this is what I've been doing.
I continue to work with others, attend meetings, study my Big Book, and search so I can keep expanding my spiritual condition.
The women in the rooms suggested that I ask him direct questions to certain things, and really listened to what he said. If I am not sure what he said, ask him to repeat it again, and then tell him what my brain interpreted so I know we are both on the same page. Sounds long and drawn out, but it sucks, if he says something like "I wanna go on a trip south to see relatives", and what I hear is "I wanna go south on vacation by myself cuz I don't want to be near you." See how my brain still can project old thinking.
Well, he really did take a motorcycle trip, I couldn't go with him because it's real hard to find someone to watch three parrots, but when he was ready to go I was happy for him. He has had major back pain for about 5 years now, he has 11 herniated disks, half of them are ruptured, the cold and excessive activity make it worse, and wear him out physically for days to weeks at a time. When he decided to buy the bike, "I'm concerned, won't it hurt your back?" He told me, "No, the way the bike sits is real comfortable, and I don't go very far." So I'm thinking this bike is a great new outlet for him. He has had to stop playing numerous sports that he loved because his body just can't, it's hard for him to sleep, work in the yard, sit for extended periods, etc... So off he goes, calling me daily, telling me the fun he is having, and he isn't complaining about the pain even when I ask. Then four days before he is to start the return trip, he's feeling tired, in lots of pain, and is having to ride 30 minutes and stop for 30. Well my brain kicks in to high gear, "it's not really his back it's you he doesn't want to come home to." See why I call them the "itty bitty shitty committee", dropped me right back into my selfish ways.
So I found out after much searching, inventory, and 5th step action, that I had stopped doing things because I'm reacting to him, and listening to my own SELFISH heart. I stopped hugging and kissing him because I felt rejected, stopped sleeping in the same room because he would toss and turn at night , I stopped calling him when on my way home (he knew where I was). I felt like a care taker not a wife, doing a lot of the chores (not all), and being compensated by being able to work out of the home. I would feel, irritated when talking or doing something with him because my resentments were building up.
A friend suggested I read "The Family Afterward" again. To this friend "THANK YOU!!!!!!" I had forgotten how much info was in there to help with our problem. The following in quotes are taken from Chapter 9 - The Family Afterward, pages 122 - 135, from the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
"All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance (endurance or permitting of freedom of opinions differing from our own), understanding (to comprehend, to grasp without explanation), and love (fondness that delights or captures the mind, pre-eminent kindness). This is a process of deflation (to undo)."
Had I been tolerant? No, I was trying to make him see my way only. What he's telling me is that he is OK, that he is comfortable in his own skin, and that he is doing what he needs to on a daily basis. Whether he is telling me the truth or not, I don't know, and it doesn't matter - I AM NOT GOD. To be tolerant - I have to permit and accept that he has opinions different then me, and respect those opinions. I do not have to share them or endorse them.
Had I been understanding? No, again I was trying to make him understand my point of view. He is doing things in his program that work for him, they might not work for me, but I don't always fully grasp something without explanation. Again, whether he is telling me the truth or not, I don't know, and it doesn't matter - I need to learn to become understanding, and when I don't fully grasp something ask questions.
Finally, had I been loving? No, not entirely. I would talk to him and get the silent treatment. I would try to be intimate, and get rejected. I would try to kiss or hug him, and be rebuffed. My ego was tired of being rejected, so I gave up. He would tell me that it's because of his back pain, or that he is tired, or that he can't talk to me without us having a fight. Whether he is telling me the truth or not, or it's all just excuses, it doesn't matter, I love him still, and hope the best for him everyday.
(I had no idea how long I had been going on... I will have to continue this in another post)
Tonight I am going to see a sponsee get her 3rd year Anniversary coin - she has no idea how much she's helped me.
Blessings & Love,
Kimberly
2 comments:
keep praying and helping others.it is amazing how the answers will come. you are sure right about sponsees helping us.has saved me from ruin many a time, page 70
peace
hey! thanks for popping in my side. reading through your blog now...
hubby bought a bike when he went through his (self-admitted, afterwards though) mid-life crisis. that was the last proverbial straw on the camels back that broke me and my drinking started... i used to resent his biking tremendously. for reasons you've mentioned and others. thankfully, since i've gotten sober, and hubby's over the mid-life thingy, life is finally getting back together. it's only been a year for me, so it's still up and down, but mostly up nowadays.
i'll pop in again....
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