I danced...

Well I said I'd catch up, so I'll give it my best to recap. Thursday I spent time with friends, talking and visiting, listening and joking - it was fun as always. Finished up those last minute errands. Friday was home time with hubby, hanging out, relaxing watching movies.

Saturday was especially good. I went to a morning meeting for a change, and God wanted me right there. As usual, He puts people in my life, even if they are brief, for reasons I might not always understand. Today that's okay.

I heard a wonderful women share her experience, strength, and hope with us. First off she looked like she could have been my first sponsors twin sister, it was uncanny.

Her story is like so many of ours. She shared one particular story I found very funny. She said one Halloween she dressed up as a clown - white face paint, big shoes, red foam nose - went to the bar, of course, got good and drunk. She then decided she would go the back way home instead of the freeway, no sense in flagging the cops her way. So here she is in the middle of nowhere, and she ends up in a ditch on some farmers property. She's throwing the car in forward and reverse desperately trying to budge the car out of the mud, and it's not happening.

She's thinking what am I going to do? All the sudden, "tap, tap, tap" on her window. She rolls down the window and it's a tow truck driver. He looks at her and says, "Farmer Ted said there was some clown stuck out in his ditch, he wasn't kidding."

I thought that was very funny, but on to some real strong things I heard. One she reminded me that God gave me lots of things. He's already instilled in me love, tolerance, patience and understanding, but it is only how willing I am to use them and stay out of self that helps me stay out of resentment. She also shared how we paid for our seat in AA, with loss of material things, families, friends, lively hoods even our soul. We had to struggle to get here, and with that knowledge we have to realize that sometimes others need to struggle also. Everything I went through brought me to where I am today.

She used this analogy - "When a butterfly gets ready to hatch out of it's pupae. It will slowly emerge. It's abdomen nice and fat, and it's wings all shriveled up. When it struggles out of it's cocoon, it forces the blood to it's wings. They grow, and struggle some more, rest, grow and struggle some more. The wings unfurl, and the butterfly rests for a while before it starts it's journey. A friend of hers was raising Monarchs for the kids in her class. All year they waited, and finally on the last day of school, 20 minutes before they were to go home one of the butterflys started to emerge. Well there was no way he was going to be out for the kids before they left, so the teacher decided to help the butterfly along. She pulled the pupae out, and carefully with scissor cut it open. She pulled the butterfly from the pupae and set him down, but he didn't make it, he died. She had tried to rush him and he wasn't able to struggle his way out."

We are much the same as that butterfly. We struggle and grow, and struggle some more, we rest and learn, and eventually our wings unfurl and we begin our journey, but to do so we had to struggle first. We had to get here in our own time, and sometimes, when it's a loved one we want to do what we think is best, but it's Gods decision not ours.

Tonight, I heard a friend, and I call him an old timer but he may disagree, lead. It was the first time I had heard his story. We have shared many discussions together, and I've learned so much from him about life and the program of AA. He helped keep me sober one more day. His wife, also in the program, has helped me and many other women tremendously. I reach out to both of them a lot, and I love them both so dearly. I've only known them since I moved back here to Ohio, but I feel like we have been friends for years. I hear my story come from their lips, and the solutions they have found along the way help us. I hear them in the people they sponsor. It's amazing how we keep passing it on.

Tonight, he summed up exactly how I felt at my worst. "I didn't just stand at the gates of Hell. I went in and did the dance, and then couldn't claw my way out until I came to AA. - Pat F."

I remember how dark my soul was, I had become spirituality, and emotionally bankrupt. That even when my best idea was to take my own life, and I couldn't even do that right. That I had no more ideas and nowhere else to go. I found hope in the rooms and program of AA. That those 12 Steps and 12 Traditions were to strip me of my ego, and teach me to get out of self. That reaching out to others would keep me sober for one more day. That praying to a God of my understanding, not my mothers, fathers or your understanding but mine, would fill that hole I had been trying to fill with booze. Booze was my lover, my friend, my accomplice, my devil and doom. It meant more to me then anything. I couldn't function with it or without it. But slowly, steadily, I listened to others and shut my mouth. I did what was suggested because I had nowhere else to go, and no good ideas left.

Things have changed so much, and continue to every day. I came back from that dance in Hell I took, but it was you who helped me do that. I reached out to you and you grabbed hold of me to help. God I thank you for "US", because alone is so very lonely, and it doesn't have to be that way today.

So I'm wrapping this up. I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! Try and have patience, love, tolerance, and understanding toward your fellows. This is a tough holiday for so many people, even ones who don't have a program. I try to remember that I don't know what others are experiencing in their life at this exact moment. That they may not have the tools or even a God of their own understanding that we have, that they may just be having a rough time or bad day. So smile, even something so small can change a life.

Love and Blessings,
Kimberly