A Step Two Conversation

Last night I had a very interesting discussion with my sponsor about Step 2.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

"What can we believe in? A.A. Does not demand belief. The Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as a Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God." - taken from 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

My foundation of a higher power was introduced in the form of religion as a child. My mother has a tremendous faith in God. That He walks with us every day, and one of her favorite sayings is "if it isn't meant to be, that was God's plan". I remember as a small child going to Sunday school, the fun I had, singing children's hymns, the stories from the bible they told us, I remember us going to service after Sunday school, and fidgeting, wanting to play and talk and having to sit quietly - didn't like that part at all.

But, somewhere along the way things changed in me. I remember when my "Big Grandma" died (she was very tall, my dad's mom). I was 7 years old, almost 8, and when she died I was mad. Mad at God, how dare He take her from me, she was my world. She was the one person in my life at that time that truly made me feel comfortable, wanted and loved. I would rather go to Big Grandma's then play with the few friends I had. Yes, I was a loner child - big surprise huh?!

When she passed though, I remember (now in hindsight) I consciously pushed God out of my life. "God you didn't take care of Grandma, so you go take care of whatever. I've got my life from here on out, I can do it myself, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" And I pushed God and people away from me even more, I became god in my life - which today I know is a very sick place to be. When I hit my bottom, nothing I did worked, I had no good ideas left, I had "the hole in my soul", also referred to as a spiritual sickness. My last drunk this black hole I had been trying to fill my whole life exploded.

I had tried to take my own life, I wasn't playing, and it still didn't work. So here I am, on my hands and knees, sobbing, and I said the first honest thing I ever did in my life. "God, I give up, I can't even kill myself, I need Your help." This was also one of the first miracles in life that I really noticed, not so much the fact that I didn't die and I gave up, but He put the person in my path that stopped me from succeeding in my suicide. All those years of trying to run the show, and run from God, and in the end I realized He was the only one who could save me.

That one day for me was also my "Spiritual Awakening". I became open to God again, I knew where to find help and I did, I reached out. I was still pretty foggy - for the first 9 months hah! - and not everything made sense, but I had what was needed to start. For me, the obsession to drink was lifted immediately and has never plagued me since that day. That does not mean it hasn't crossed my mind, or entered my dreams, it just means those thoughts drift in and drift right out. I never had, and still don't have, any crave type emotions.

"Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men." pg 46, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition.

At the start of this journey, I learned to shut my mouth and open my ears and really listen, I found out what honesty was, my disillusions being smashed on my journey, I re-found my faith but this time He is a God of my understanding, not my family or anyone else's. I learned to rely on others and become accountable, to have respect and acceptance towards others, I learned to stop being defiant (f you was one of my favs in thinking and action), I learned that sometimes what I thought was sane thinking was absolute insanity, and I learned to seek a spiritual connection to God. I learned to become open-minded, willing, and honest, and in doing so I have a faith that all will be alright. Even when the floor is sliding under my feet, and my butt is falling off, it will all work out in the end - I just can't see it, but the faith in my Higher Power can.

I'm gonna close with this quote, it is still one of my favorites today. When I first read it, I thought "WHAT!!??". Today it makes sense, but that is because of our journey, our honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, and our spiritual way of life.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is CONTEMPT PRIOR TO INVESTIGATION."

- Herbert Spencer, pg 568, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition

Love,

Kimberly