Reflecting...

Well, I hope all had a good Christmas, and as we get closer to the end of another year I find my self reflecting, pondering, and sometimes wondering - what was I thinking?! - occurred this past year.

This year seemed to fly by, faster then usual, at least it seemed that way to me. I can remember certain details so vividly in life, and others have succumbed to the memory monster. It amazes me that I can not remember what I ate for dinner last night, but can remember my first meeting back in this area 3 years ago.

I remember walking up to the church, the large gathering of people, all joking, laughing and smiling. What stands out the most, was the group of women, all standing together in a row. Twos and threes in serious discussion, or just talking about nothing of importance, they weren't standing in a row on purpose, that's just the way it was. I remember walking up and seeing this very tall, very beautiful women. I remember she gave off a slight vibe of intimidation, the feeling of you can't lie to me because I can smell your B.S. from here. It made me chuckle, because I used to give off that intimidation vibe very strongly, and I'm sure I still do but to a much smaller extent.

Anyway, she was talking with two other women, and I walked up to all three, stuck out my hand and introduced myself. I remember how happy, and giddy I felt. I was back at home in another meeting half way across the country from where I had started my new journey. There must have been at least 12 women there, and double the men. All of them were at different spots in their journey, some just starting, others very far along.

Like everything else in my life, I had no idea what God had in store for me. That tall blond and her husband have become very important people in my life and many others. We laugh today about our vibe, and have put other women in our lives that have softer edges, so we can learn what that's like. I guess I should explain this a little better?!

J and I are very much alike in many ways. We both ended up doing, saying and being in places we said we never would. We both became very intimidating. I still remember never being afraid to attack anyone, man or woman, the bigger the better. My tiny little 5'4" inch frame that weighed 120 lbs, had and would go after some guy built like a linebacker for Greenbay. I know today that it was fear that drove me, but back then NEVER - I'll show you what to fear, was my thinking. Well, with an attitude like that you can just imagine I was in places and with people that probably should, and could have killed me. Then I started this new journey with us (AA). We walked, and talked, cried and laughed, we still do it today.

The women in a line that day, all but 2 or 3, have and are still in each others lives. We have become good, honest friends. They have saved my butt on more than one occasion, when my mind wouldn't quiet, or I didn't know what to do next. They have helped keep me sober for one more day so many times. We have studied the text of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 & 12, we have done 12 Step calls, we have become active inside and outside the rooms of fellowship, we have learned the history of AA and what it means to us, we have been there for each other and others, we continue to carry the message to those who are ready. We have worked on our defects of character, and find those around us we want to be like, we still have that willingness and passion for this program, and we are still learning more each day.

They told me there was great growth for me this year, and of course, I only see a little, but I do feel some change. I'm just now starting to realize what my personal principles are, what I do like and what I do just to please others. I am finding the little girl within me that I thought I had lost so long ago, the one I thought I'd killed with my disease. But she's not dead, never was, she was just playing hide and seek until she knew I was ready. Shes not a striking beauty, but she's a cute, happy, loving person, who just wants to share that love and happiness with others. It's so good to see her again. I realized just how many people this last year God has put in my path, for various reasons, and we all care about each other very much. Men and women, and they are all true friends - what a weird, wonderful feeling - to know that we are here for each other, and would do almost anything to help.

Thank you:
For letting us know we are never alone God
For the true friendships we have today
For the release from bondage, even when we take it back
For all the people you have put in our path
For teaching us how to use the gifts you've given us of Hope, Love, Honesty, Purity and Unselfishness, and so much more
For Your Undeserved Mercy
For another day

We can not become what we want to be by remaining what we are!

Love,
Kimberly