Happy New Year!

This little, happy guy above is one of my favorite Manga characters from a series called "Saiyuki'. He sees things for what they are, loves to eat, play, and have fun. He tries to understand the adults around him, but sometimes they just don't keep it simple. The kanji character above his head reads "play". Today, I can do that in life, and so I will continue to play, keep it simple, and walk the walk with God and my fellows.

i slept in late this morning so I'll still be awake by midnight tonight. All though again this year, at least, I'll remember what I'm doing, not be passed out before midnight or wake up thinking, "where the hell am I?". I will have fun tonight, be with friends, and actually look forward to another year.

I think I will attend my home group tonight, then from there go over to the AA New Years Eve Party they are having at the church. I usually don't go out for New Years, even when I was drinking - I always called this amateur night for drinkers - but I think it's time to try something different. Plus a lot of the girls have asked if I'm going, and that if I don't I'm gonna miss the fun, so I'll give it a try.

In the past, I would usually be home drinking and out way before midnight. When I did go out to the bars, and such, for a celebration I ended up in some very bad places and situations a women should never be near. I never worried or thought I shouldn't be doing this, I didn't care, thought it was exciting, and besides I could take care of myself. That was me not knowing the difference between the false and the truth. I thank God every day for keeping me alive and safe till I could willing find the way to Him and AA.

I hope you all have a safe, fun filled New Years eve. That you have everything in life I wish for you all. That the New Year will bring you hope, faith, love, happiness, peace, compassion, understanding, open-mindedness, serenity, and respect for one another, but most of all hope. As we continue to share with each other, reach out to one another, struggle and grow, we can pass on hope. Please remember to keep the sick and struggling in your prayers.

God Bless & Love,
Kimberly

A Step Two Conversation

Last night I had a very interesting discussion with my sponsor about Step 2.

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

"What can we believe in? A.A. Does not demand belief. The Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Importance of an open mind. Variety of ways to faith. Substitution of A.A. as a Higher Power. Plight of the disillusioned. Roadblocks of indifference and prejudice. Lost faith found in A.A. Problems of intellectuality and self-sufficiency. Negative and positive thinking. Self-righteousness. Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of alcoholics. Step Two is a rallying point to sanity. Right relation to God." - taken from 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

My foundation of a higher power was introduced in the form of religion as a child. My mother has a tremendous faith in God. That He walks with us every day, and one of her favorite sayings is "if it isn't meant to be, that was God's plan". I remember as a small child going to Sunday school, the fun I had, singing children's hymns, the stories from the bible they told us, I remember us going to service after Sunday school, and fidgeting, wanting to play and talk and having to sit quietly - didn't like that part at all.

But, somewhere along the way things changed in me. I remember when my "Big Grandma" died (she was very tall, my dad's mom). I was 7 years old, almost 8, and when she died I was mad. Mad at God, how dare He take her from me, she was my world. She was the one person in my life at that time that truly made me feel comfortable, wanted and loved. I would rather go to Big Grandma's then play with the few friends I had. Yes, I was a loner child - big surprise huh?!

When she passed though, I remember (now in hindsight) I consciously pushed God out of my life. "God you didn't take care of Grandma, so you go take care of whatever. I've got my life from here on out, I can do it myself, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" And I pushed God and people away from me even more, I became god in my life - which today I know is a very sick place to be. When I hit my bottom, nothing I did worked, I had no good ideas left, I had "the hole in my soul", also referred to as a spiritual sickness. My last drunk this black hole I had been trying to fill my whole life exploded.

I had tried to take my own life, I wasn't playing, and it still didn't work. So here I am, on my hands and knees, sobbing, and I said the first honest thing I ever did in my life. "God, I give up, I can't even kill myself, I need Your help." This was also one of the first miracles in life that I really noticed, not so much the fact that I didn't die and I gave up, but He put the person in my path that stopped me from succeeding in my suicide. All those years of trying to run the show, and run from God, and in the end I realized He was the only one who could save me.

That one day for me was also my "Spiritual Awakening". I became open to God again, I knew where to find help and I did, I reached out. I was still pretty foggy - for the first 9 months hah! - and not everything made sense, but I had what was needed to start. For me, the obsession to drink was lifted immediately and has never plagued me since that day. That does not mean it hasn't crossed my mind, or entered my dreams, it just means those thoughts drift in and drift right out. I never had, and still don't have, any crave type emotions.

"Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men." pg 46, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition.

At the start of this journey, I learned to shut my mouth and open my ears and really listen, I found out what honesty was, my disillusions being smashed on my journey, I re-found my faith but this time He is a God of my understanding, not my family or anyone else's. I learned to rely on others and become accountable, to have respect and acceptance towards others, I learned to stop being defiant (f you was one of my favs in thinking and action), I learned that sometimes what I thought was sane thinking was absolute insanity, and I learned to seek a spiritual connection to God. I learned to become open-minded, willing, and honest, and in doing so I have a faith that all will be alright. Even when the floor is sliding under my feet, and my butt is falling off, it will all work out in the end - I just can't see it, but the faith in my Higher Power can.

I'm gonna close with this quote, it is still one of my favorites today. When I first read it, I thought "WHAT!!??". Today it makes sense, but that is because of our journey, our honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, and our spiritual way of life.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is CONTEMPT PRIOR TO INVESTIGATION."

- Herbert Spencer, pg 568, Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition

Love,

Kimberly

Reflecting...

Well, I hope all had a good Christmas, and as we get closer to the end of another year I find my self reflecting, pondering, and sometimes wondering - what was I thinking?! - occurred this past year.

This year seemed to fly by, faster then usual, at least it seemed that way to me. I can remember certain details so vividly in life, and others have succumbed to the memory monster. It amazes me that I can not remember what I ate for dinner last night, but can remember my first meeting back in this area 3 years ago.

I remember walking up to the church, the large gathering of people, all joking, laughing and smiling. What stands out the most, was the group of women, all standing together in a row. Twos and threes in serious discussion, or just talking about nothing of importance, they weren't standing in a row on purpose, that's just the way it was. I remember walking up and seeing this very tall, very beautiful women. I remember she gave off a slight vibe of intimidation, the feeling of you can't lie to me because I can smell your B.S. from here. It made me chuckle, because I used to give off that intimidation vibe very strongly, and I'm sure I still do but to a much smaller extent.

Anyway, she was talking with two other women, and I walked up to all three, stuck out my hand and introduced myself. I remember how happy, and giddy I felt. I was back at home in another meeting half way across the country from where I had started my new journey. There must have been at least 12 women there, and double the men. All of them were at different spots in their journey, some just starting, others very far along.

Like everything else in my life, I had no idea what God had in store for me. That tall blond and her husband have become very important people in my life and many others. We laugh today about our vibe, and have put other women in our lives that have softer edges, so we can learn what that's like. I guess I should explain this a little better?!

J and I are very much alike in many ways. We both ended up doing, saying and being in places we said we never would. We both became very intimidating. I still remember never being afraid to attack anyone, man or woman, the bigger the better. My tiny little 5'4" inch frame that weighed 120 lbs, had and would go after some guy built like a linebacker for Greenbay. I know today that it was fear that drove me, but back then NEVER - I'll show you what to fear, was my thinking. Well, with an attitude like that you can just imagine I was in places and with people that probably should, and could have killed me. Then I started this new journey with us (AA). We walked, and talked, cried and laughed, we still do it today.

The women in a line that day, all but 2 or 3, have and are still in each others lives. We have become good, honest friends. They have saved my butt on more than one occasion, when my mind wouldn't quiet, or I didn't know what to do next. They have helped keep me sober for one more day so many times. We have studied the text of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 & 12, we have done 12 Step calls, we have become active inside and outside the rooms of fellowship, we have learned the history of AA and what it means to us, we have been there for each other and others, we continue to carry the message to those who are ready. We have worked on our defects of character, and find those around us we want to be like, we still have that willingness and passion for this program, and we are still learning more each day.

They told me there was great growth for me this year, and of course, I only see a little, but I do feel some change. I'm just now starting to realize what my personal principles are, what I do like and what I do just to please others. I am finding the little girl within me that I thought I had lost so long ago, the one I thought I'd killed with my disease. But she's not dead, never was, she was just playing hide and seek until she knew I was ready. Shes not a striking beauty, but she's a cute, happy, loving person, who just wants to share that love and happiness with others. It's so good to see her again. I realized just how many people this last year God has put in my path, for various reasons, and we all care about each other very much. Men and women, and they are all true friends - what a weird, wonderful feeling - to know that we are here for each other, and would do almost anything to help.

Thank you:
For letting us know we are never alone God
For the true friendships we have today
For the release from bondage, even when we take it back
For all the people you have put in our path
For teaching us how to use the gifts you've given us of Hope, Love, Honesty, Purity and Unselfishness, and so much more
For Your Undeserved Mercy
For another day

We can not become what we want to be by remaining what we are!

Love,
Kimberly

Happy Christmas, Merry Birthday!

Happy Birthday
to Jesus, my mom, and her sister.

Merry Christmas
to ALL!

Have a loving, fun, blessed, grateful, joyful, noisy, peaceful, content, sober, active, restful, full, thankful, understanding, content, full of life and hopeful Christmas!

Love,
Kimberly

I danced...

Well I said I'd catch up, so I'll give it my best to recap. Thursday I spent time with friends, talking and visiting, listening and joking - it was fun as always. Finished up those last minute errands. Friday was home time with hubby, hanging out, relaxing watching movies.

Saturday was especially good. I went to a morning meeting for a change, and God wanted me right there. As usual, He puts people in my life, even if they are brief, for reasons I might not always understand. Today that's okay.

I heard a wonderful women share her experience, strength, and hope with us. First off she looked like she could have been my first sponsors twin sister, it was uncanny.

Her story is like so many of ours. She shared one particular story I found very funny. She said one Halloween she dressed up as a clown - white face paint, big shoes, red foam nose - went to the bar, of course, got good and drunk. She then decided she would go the back way home instead of the freeway, no sense in flagging the cops her way. So here she is in the middle of nowhere, and she ends up in a ditch on some farmers property. She's throwing the car in forward and reverse desperately trying to budge the car out of the mud, and it's not happening.

She's thinking what am I going to do? All the sudden, "tap, tap, tap" on her window. She rolls down the window and it's a tow truck driver. He looks at her and says, "Farmer Ted said there was some clown stuck out in his ditch, he wasn't kidding."

I thought that was very funny, but on to some real strong things I heard. One she reminded me that God gave me lots of things. He's already instilled in me love, tolerance, patience and understanding, but it is only how willing I am to use them and stay out of self that helps me stay out of resentment. She also shared how we paid for our seat in AA, with loss of material things, families, friends, lively hoods even our soul. We had to struggle to get here, and with that knowledge we have to realize that sometimes others need to struggle also. Everything I went through brought me to where I am today.

She used this analogy - "When a butterfly gets ready to hatch out of it's pupae. It will slowly emerge. It's abdomen nice and fat, and it's wings all shriveled up. When it struggles out of it's cocoon, it forces the blood to it's wings. They grow, and struggle some more, rest, grow and struggle some more. The wings unfurl, and the butterfly rests for a while before it starts it's journey. A friend of hers was raising Monarchs for the kids in her class. All year they waited, and finally on the last day of school, 20 minutes before they were to go home one of the butterflys started to emerge. Well there was no way he was going to be out for the kids before they left, so the teacher decided to help the butterfly along. She pulled the pupae out, and carefully with scissor cut it open. She pulled the butterfly from the pupae and set him down, but he didn't make it, he died. She had tried to rush him and he wasn't able to struggle his way out."

We are much the same as that butterfly. We struggle and grow, and struggle some more, we rest and learn, and eventually our wings unfurl and we begin our journey, but to do so we had to struggle first. We had to get here in our own time, and sometimes, when it's a loved one we want to do what we think is best, but it's Gods decision not ours.

Tonight, I heard a friend, and I call him an old timer but he may disagree, lead. It was the first time I had heard his story. We have shared many discussions together, and I've learned so much from him about life and the program of AA. He helped keep me sober one more day. His wife, also in the program, has helped me and many other women tremendously. I reach out to both of them a lot, and I love them both so dearly. I've only known them since I moved back here to Ohio, but I feel like we have been friends for years. I hear my story come from their lips, and the solutions they have found along the way help us. I hear them in the people they sponsor. It's amazing how we keep passing it on.

Tonight, he summed up exactly how I felt at my worst. "I didn't just stand at the gates of Hell. I went in and did the dance, and then couldn't claw my way out until I came to AA. - Pat F."

I remember how dark my soul was, I had become spirituality, and emotionally bankrupt. That even when my best idea was to take my own life, and I couldn't even do that right. That I had no more ideas and nowhere else to go. I found hope in the rooms and program of AA. That those 12 Steps and 12 Traditions were to strip me of my ego, and teach me to get out of self. That reaching out to others would keep me sober for one more day. That praying to a God of my understanding, not my mothers, fathers or your understanding but mine, would fill that hole I had been trying to fill with booze. Booze was my lover, my friend, my accomplice, my devil and doom. It meant more to me then anything. I couldn't function with it or without it. But slowly, steadily, I listened to others and shut my mouth. I did what was suggested because I had nowhere else to go, and no good ideas left.

Things have changed so much, and continue to every day. I came back from that dance in Hell I took, but it was you who helped me do that. I reached out to you and you grabbed hold of me to help. God I thank you for "US", because alone is so very lonely, and it doesn't have to be that way today.

So I'm wrapping this up. I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! Try and have patience, love, tolerance, and understanding toward your fellows. This is a tough holiday for so many people, even ones who don't have a program. I try to remember that I don't know what others are experiencing in their life at this exact moment. That they may not have the tools or even a God of their own understanding that we have, that they may just be having a rough time or bad day. So smile, even something so small can change a life.

Love and Blessings,
Kimberly

Feeling Frisky...

Wow! I have been in an extra, super duper (i know, corny), terrific, frisky mood! It's been a really great week, and there is no particular reason. It just is what it is, not good or bad.

The weird thing is the last couple of days I've been at various stores out and about, and I've seen some of the most unhappy, angry people I've ever seen. I know it must be from the holidays coming up, the stress others feel, so I just keep putting on my happy face. In fact yesterday the deli guy commented on it. This is how it went... I went up to get some sliced Maple Ham. I thought hot grilled cheese (cheese oozing, of course) with ham would be awesome and a cup of rich tomato soup (made with milk, of course) would be awesome, and I knew hubby would be in heaven. So as I approach the counter a very nice man smiled at me and asked, "How are you today?" I replied, "I am awesome! It's been a great week!" He looked surprised, then asked "Really why?" "No particular reason, I'm just grateful and thankful for everything. I feel good and want to spread that cheer." He was surprised still, and said he'd had a lot of customers, unhappy ones, with numerous problems. I think he was a little cheered when I left his counter, he was smiling at least.

I know that my mood can effect others around me, I've seen me do it before. It's not because I'm all that or something, but I remember how I would go out of my way to dwell on the negative, push every button I could, and justify my thinking it was right to make every one around me as miserable as I felt. Today, I don't want to feel that ick anymore, and I definitely don't want to share it with others. That doesn't mean life is a big happy smiling face, because it isn't all the time. I have problems, and challenges in my life just like every one else, but my attitude is what starts my day.

If I start out cranky, and don't do anything to lift my mood before my feet hit the floor, I'll be quiet around others and vent my frustrations (generally, out on hubby). If I start out in a good mood, I still do something to ensure that it will stay with me all day. That "something" is talking to God in the morning. I talk to him like I do my friends, let my mind wander over various things going on in life, then I stop and listen, relax and really feel my surroundings. Either way He helps me start my day, I decide whether to be cranky (self-will run riot) or content and happy (His will for me). The longer I live these steps actively, the less days of crankdom I have, but they are never gone completely and that's cool today.

I had a lot of different things go on this week. Monday was my birthday, it was pretty calm. Tuesday I got up real early, ran some errands, visited with a sponsee, delivered some help and maybe a little hope to a family in need. Shopped for some new leathers and found exactly what I want for my birthday from hubby. Scrambled home with dinner and went to a great meeting. Came home, hung out with the birds and then crashed into bed.

The errands were no big deal, it was the last little bit of Christmas shopping I had to do. Visiting with the sponsee was the big part of my day. She's really going through a challenging part of her life right now. She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen, she has grown so much in the last year in her program, and in her quest for finding God, she is one of the funniest people I've ever had the pleasure to hang with, and she helps keep me sober another day. The place she works is not very nice, they don't treat any of their employees fairly, nor their patients, and have had a lot of people just up and quit. This is where her stress comes in, trying to cover extra shifts, doing her job well and putting up with the stress trickling down from her bosses. She tells me how tired she is, and that she doesn't feel well, but she doesn't have to, because I can hear it in her voice and see it in her face. So we talked for quite a while, and came up with some solutions to her problems. She's been feeling much better, and is excited because she's off on Saturday.

Wednesday I didn't want to get up, my body said "oohhh, stay in this nice warm cozy bed." So I did for quite a while. Then I got up meandered around the house, read some blogs, left some comments. Then I heard the couch (yes, I'm loco in la cabasa), "kimmmiiieee, kimmie, you know you want to crash on me, come lay down and snuggle with a good book." So I crashed for a while. My body just needed a day of rest, and today I listen. Going full tilt, like a whirling dervish, I can stop and listen to my body and rest. It felt wonderful to just hang out at home.

The parrots were estatic! Bomber talked all day. He has quite the repertoire. This is some of his litany of phrases: "Wanna go outside, come on baby. Wanna go outside - Chelsea", "Brrr" "Whatsa matter - hmmmm? Are you okay?" "Are you pretty, pretty, pretty - oh look how pprreetttty!" "And up, and up, work those thighs - work'em" This one his old owner liked to work out to videos (get your mind out of the gutter). And one of my all time favorites "bap ba bap ba baaa - SUPERBIRD!" He sticks his head way out and says this one rather proudly. He loves to talk during the movies, and phone conversations, he sounds and acts like he's a part and it's pretty funny. He's been quite a blessing to me, but is on hubby's short list, especially since he bit him again that day.

Tretoe played in my lap, chortling, clicking, and whistling away. Running under the pillow between my leg and the chair. Climbing back up on my shoulder, under my hair, nibbling on my ear. I swear he thinks I'm his personal chew toy. He was so happy, his eyes dilating like crazy, his tail flashing. He started my day with a laugh anyway. I'm laying in bed, and I hear him whistle for me. He whistles like when you call a dog to you, or are trying to get someones attention. It made me chuckle, he was telling me to get my lazy butt moving that he wanted fed and attention. He also does the wolf whistle, and tells ya to "C'mere" in this little squeaky voice.

Cocoa, she is plain loco! Running all over the floor, up the chair, down the chair, back and forth between hubby and I, round and round, across the floor and back, she's a lunatic child, and wears me out just watching her. She is the clown, the animated one of the group, and is pretty damn entertaining in her own way. In fact, all three are better than TV any day.

They did all eventually settle down, and had their afternoon nap with hubby. Tretoe asleep in my hair, Cocoa on hubby's leg as he snored away, and Bomber, assuming the position, one leg up, head tucked on his favorite rope perch. I felt very content and very blessed.

There still is so much more to share, but I've rambled on enough for now. I think I'm gonna take care of some chores around the house, sauna, and then hubby and I are gonna spend some time at home together tonight. I love you all and thank God for all the blessings in my life. Have a great day!

Love,
Kimberly

Aahh! I miss doing this.....

Well, I've been really busy this last couple of days. Which is a good thing, I love life, it's such an awesome journey!

Saturday I was busy working on a commission piece of art, picked up gift cards for a childrens home which hubby dropped off, wrapped gifts for a friend whose struggling with 4 kids at home, made cookies, wrapped more gifts for family, went grocery shopping cuz the cupboards getting bare, and went to hear one of my sponsees lead - she did an awesome job! Saturday and Sunday it snowed, then rained, then got cold again and dumped more snow. I love driving in this weather, there is nothing quite like skating in a car - wweeee!

Sunday did some more work on the art piece, went to dinner with Mom and Dad for my birthday - Outback Steakhouse mmmmmmm! Nothing like a good filet cooked medium rare mmmm! It was good to visit with Mom and Dad, chatted a little bit about everything. It wasn't long ago that when they would call me in California, I was on the phone but not really there (as alcoholics you know what I mean). Dad would talk, and I would be "Uh huh, uh huh...." but I wasn't really listening. Today I can really hear things, and God has let me be a part of their lives again. Mom gave me this beautiful handmade two piece dinner set for sushi - I love Japanese food! Sushi being one of my favorites (and not just California rolls, I love sashimi, eel, tuna - mmm 'm getting hungry), but I love a lot of their homemade type dishes too!

Sunday night I went to a meeting and heard the most honest lead I've heard in a looonnggg time. She was thoroughly honest about where she had been and what still goes on today (not a graphic drunkalog), but honesty about her sobriety, the way her mind thinks, and the way she is today with the Steps, a sponsor and a Higher Power of her understanding.

I know that my brain is off kilter, I realize that today because of working the Steps into my daily living. My brain will always be off kilter, but that's okay, because I don't have to take action on anything this crazy head is telling me to. Today I can walk it through a piece at a time, and see what the end result might be, if I'm not sure I leave the decision to God, and He always answers, maybe not as quickly as I want, but He does answer. The dependence I place on God today, has given me such spiritual independence it's incredible.

Today, I finished the piece. Spent some time catching up here and on another blog. Got to say hi to some friends I haven't talked to in a while. Received a Christmas card from a friend I haven't heard from in 3 years, him and his wife were really important to me early in sobriety (story for another day), but I can't wait to write him back in the morning. And went to my Home Group, where we had an excellent discussion on Step 3 in the 12 and 12. I got to hold and feed Kaylee (about 5 mos) - she is the cutest, sweetest, happiest, quietest baby I've ever meet. She is constantly watching everyone, and smiling, she doesn't want to miss a thing at the meetings. It's been a blast watching her and her poppa grow (in their own ways). What a blessing! Thanks God!

Well, I know this was more about a recap of the last couple of days, but as I said, it's busy, and I'm up early tomorrow and running errands. I get to deliver hope to others who are hurting, spend time with a friend, do some work for another, go shopping for my birthday gift from hubby (he knew I needed riding leathers), hopefully get home in time to make dinner, and go to a meeting. I'm trying to stay out of the way, out of me, and hopefully help another while doing God's will not Kimmie's.

God, thank you for this full and wonderful life you have given me, it is more than I could ever have hoped for, and more than I ever deserved.

Love,
Kimberly

Carrying a burden

Morning everyone! A couple of friends shared this with me this morning, and I thought it was great and appropriate for the holiday season - enjoy.

STRESS

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

So my friend put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

• Always read stuff that will make you look good in case you die in the middle of it.

• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply being kind to others.

• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

• Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance.

• Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

• The second mouse gets the cheese.

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

• We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

These Gifts...

I heard so many times when I became newly sober that we would receive wonderful gifts of sobriety, and promises would be fulfilled. (I believe (?) there are 164 promises made in the Big Book). So many of them have come true for me today. I am a recovered alcoholic and that recovery depends on my daily maintenance, and conscious contact of a God of my understanding. Maintenance being the key word!

maintenance: the act of maintaining: the means of support, the upkeep.

I need to do upkeep on my daily life, just like my car if I want to keep it running smooth and efficiently. But just like my car, I will occasionally have a hiccup, and need to go in for a tune up. That's where the fellowship comes in, reaching out to others, receiving and using suggestions that people have experienced and found in the Big Book. They help keep those hiccups away or at least guide me so I don't have to fall.

So now I'd like to go back to the promises. It has been a wonderful couple of days. I did my lead on Tuesday and God walked with me the whole way. A small group from my area came to surprise and support me, it was an awesome example in unselfishness. I also got to see some people I hadn't seen in while, and got to find out how they were doing. One man that I had met in his early sobriety was there, he said he was struggling, but we both agreed he was in the right place - at a meeting! I received wonderful feedback from my lead. Today, it's really cool that I can hear, and that I still remain teachable. I still want what I see in other peoples eyes, in their demeanors, and I know they got it from taking daily action in their sobriety.

Wednesday night I heard a lead from a wonderful man who does a lot for people in AA. He's very active, attends a lot of different meetings. Our paths cross a lot because we both do this. The joke between us is "I get around, but it's in a good way today!" He's a gentle soul, and like so many of us was committing a slow suicide. Today, we can help others, reach out to newcomers, have fun in sobriety, and lead by example. I thank God for placing him in my path.

Tonight the girls from my Spiritual Thursday nights came over for a food get together. It was awesome, I think I put on 5 lbs. just tonight. We had pasta salad, these awesome little quiches with avocado and cheese, and mushroom brie, sausage and peppers, meets and cheeses, broccoli salad, Japanese Nikujaga (potato style) soup, candy and really good sugar cookies. We shared wonderful company, jokes, and laughed, complained how tired we were, and that it was still OK. Ms. P made all of us girls Embroidered t-shirts with our group name and start date of the meeting - they are beautiful with an intricate cross. What a thoughtful and beautiful gift. The thing I loved most tonight was the laughter, and gentle and sometimes bawdy conversation that carried on through the evening. These women give me so much - hope, strength, guidance, love, understanding, laughter, peace, friendship - I feel like I'm about to burst with joy!

The promises laid out in the Big Book have and continue to come true for me everyday. If you had asked me 5 1/2 years ago what I wanted in sobriety, I would have ssoooo short changed myself. The blessings I have today are unfathomable, and more continue to appear the longer I actively maintain my sobriety.

Thank you, to all who have gone before me, to those who trudge along with me, and for the unknowns that will be revealed to me on this journey called life.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Giving Back What Is So Freely Given

Well, I'm back on the circuit again. Oh, I don't mind at all, God gave me November off to be thankful, grateful and time to reflect on all that has happened this last year. I'm leading tonight for a wonderful woman at her home group. This is one of the oldest and larger home groups, so yes I'm nervous, but that's okay. I think we should always be nervous, at least a little, keeps us honest. Once I turn my will over to God, and we start with the Serenity Prayer, He takes over and speaks through me with my experience, strength, and hope. I relax a little and He provides us with what we need for the evening.

There has been a lot of change in just the last couple of months. It amazes me how much we grow together, constantly learning, gaining new experience on this journey called life. We had an interesting topic last night - A newcomer asked, "How do I live life on lifes terms? I'm lonely, still unsure." We shared that 1) We are never alone, the God of our understanding is with us all the time. We just need to reach out to Him. 2) We work with our sponsor and actively apply the 12 Steps to our life. 3) We reach out to other women, both for help and to help. 4) We get active in our fellowship, meaning helping whenever possible, not just showing up.

We do not search out another to fill our needs or use for our wants. This is detrimental to ourself and others. This is an important time in our sobriety, at the beginning, many of us shared how we tried dating early in sobriety and it never worked out, because we didn't know how to live, let alone love someone else. We are going to be experiencing great amounts of change in our first year if we actively apply those 12 Steps to our life. We are finding out who we are, establishing a conscious contact with a God of our understanding, being fearless and thorough about our lives, making amends, working on character defects, becoming active, and helping others - whew! Sounds like a lot! But it is worth it all, if we can become well for the loved ones around us, or for the future relationships to come.

It's said many times in meetings "don't date for the first year, women stick with women, men stick with men, don't make any major changes the first year, etc..." I'm sure you've heard them all, no where in the Big Book does it tell us to not do any of these things. These sayings came about because of others experiences, sharing what they learned so others may not make the same mistakes they do, but they don't always apply to all. The suggestion for our sexual conduct can be found on pages 67-69 of Alcoholics Anonymous (you'll have to look it up if you want the answer).

We all get feelings of loneliness from time to time even in sobriety, it's called feeling our emotions. Today we want to feel all of these emotions instead of numbing them with alcohol or drugs. We want to feel overwhelming joy, grief, contentment, anger, peace, despair, hope and so much more. It is part of our life today, the journey is more important then the destination. I know from my experience that I will grieve, that I will have moments of pure joy and happiness, I will feel frustration and anger, but it is what I do with those feelings that is different today. It is important for me to "think, think, think", before I open my mouth or act on impulse for I do not wish to cause others injury. Do I do this gracefully and all the time - NO, I am human, just trying to do my best for today. That is all the God of my understanding asks of me.

So, tonight, I will do my best for God, ask Him to guide me where He wants me to be so I may help another. Thank you for all you have given me, all you have taken from me, and for this journey. Without Gods Undeserved Mercy I would not be alive today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

F.E.A.R.

Morning!

It's been a wonderful, busy past couple of days. I got to buy some gifts for people for Christmas, spend some time with a really great friend, play and talk with a couple of parrots, hold a beautiful Corn Snake a certain special young man is getting for Christmas, laugh and enjoy this busy holiday time of the year. Something I never did in the past.

Today, I am going to help another friend bake cookies for a children's home. The home is having a Christmas party this week for the kids. They will get to see Santa, have good food and cookies, hear a Christmas story and make a craft, and a group of people donated 30 bicycles for these kids on top of everything else - how awesome is that! I believe that is truly the spirit of Christmas, and we get to spread it around all year long today.

A lot of us have heard acronyms for words in the program, but I heard one for F.E.A.R. the other day that really stood out to me. F - false, E - evidence, A - appears, R - real.

How many times did something I know wasn't true get twisted to suit my means and become a reality? How many times did I not bother to find out the truth from the false? It all stems back to my fears in life, whether they were prompted by selfishness, jealousy, anger, etc.., I would twist things to suit my needs. Today, when I don't know the answer, I search it out, I don't have "contempt prior to investigation". If I don't know the answer, I'll tell you I don't! I push my ego and pride off to the side, and we can look for it together (getting us out of self). I don't want to make false evidence appear real today. Today I want to learn - I have become teachable, and want to stay that way.

Thank you God for all the things you put in my path. I know I am right where You want me to be today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Gotta Go, Gotta Go

Off to see a friend, but thought I'd add some humor to our day. I'll have to get back to this later for more. Have a great one kids!

Blessings & Love,

Kimberly

We tried and we died.....

BBRRRR! It's cold and snowy this morning! Got the first real serious snow of the year, everything is sleeping, and waiting for spring. It's always so peaceful when it snows, it's one of my favorite things about it, that and it coats everything in a white blanket - very pretty.

The post today was given to me by my first sponsor Pam. It's a serious one, and really good, that's why I saved it for last. This is in memory of all those who have gone before us without help, and to those still sick and suffering out there who have hope today. God Bless you all and have a wonderful day.

Love,
Kimberly

DRUNKS

We died of pneumonia in furnished rooms where they found us three days later when somebody complained about the smell.

We died against bridge abutments and nobody knew if it was suicide, and we probably didn't know either, except in the sense that it was always suicide.

We died in hospitals, our stomachs huge, and distended, and there was nothing they could do.

We died in cells, never knowing whether we were guilty or not.

We went to priests, they gave us pledges, they told us to pray, they told us to go and sin no more, but go.

We tried and we died.

We died of overdoses, we died in bed.

We died in straitjackets, in the DT's seeing God knows what, creeping, skittering, slithering, shuffling things.

And you know what the worst thing was? The worst thing was that nobody ever believed how hard we tried.

We went to doctors, and they gave us stuff to take that would make us sick when we drank, on the principle of "this is so crazy, it just might work", I guess, or maybe they just shook their heads and sent us to places like Dropkick Murphy's.

And when we got out we were hooked on paraldehyde, or maybe we lied to the doctors and they told us not to drink so much, just drink like them.

And we tried, and we died.

We drowned in our own vomit, or choked on it, our broken jaws wired shut.

We died playing Russian Roulette, and people thought we'd lost, but we knew better.

We died under the hoofs of horses, under the wheels of vehicles, under the knives and boot heels of our brother drunks.

We died in shame.

And you know what was even worse, was that we couldn't believe it ourselves, that we had tried.

We figured we just thought we tried, and we died believing that we hadn't tried, believing that we didn't know what it meant to try.

When we were desperate enough or hopeful or deluded or embattled enough to go for help, we went to people with letters after their names, and prayed that they might have read the right books, that had the right words in them, never suspecting the terrifying truth, that the right words, as simple as they were, had not been written yet.

We died falling off girders on high buildings, because of course, ironworkers drink, of course they do.

We died with a shotgun in our mouth, or jumping off a bridge, and everybody knew it was suicide.

We died under the Southeast Expressway, with our hands tied behind us and a bullet in the back of our head, because this time the people that we disappointed were the wrong people.

We died in convulsions, or of "insult to the brain", we died incontinent, and in disgrace, abandoned.

If we were women, we died degraded, because women have so much more to live up to.

We tried and we died and nobody cried (or so we thought).

And the very worst thing was, that for every one of us that died, there were another hundred of us, or another thousand, who wished that we could die, who went to sleep praying we would not have to wake up because what we were enduring was intolerable, and we knew in our hearts it wasn't ever gonna change.

One day in a hospital room in New York City, one of us had what the books call a transforming spiritual experience, and he said to himself "I've got it" (no, you haven't, you've only got part of it) "and I have to share it" (now you've ALMOST got it) and he kept trying to give it away, but we couldn't hear it.

We tried and we died.

We died of one last cigarette, the comfort of its glowing in the dark. We passed out and the bed caught on fire. They said we suffocated before our body burned, they said we never felt a thing, that was the best way maybe that we died, except sometimes we took our family with us.

And the man in New York was so sure he had it, he tried to love us into sobriety, but that didn't work either, love confuses drunks and he tried and we still died.

One after another we got his hopes up, and we broke his heart, because that's what we do.

And the worst thing was, that every time we thought we knew what the worst thing was, something happened that was worse.

Until a day came in a hotel lobby, and it wasn't in Rome or Jerusalem or Mecca, or even Dublin or South Boston, it was in Akron, Ohio, for Christ's sake.

A day came when the man said "I have to find a drunk, because I need him as much as he needs me" (NOW you've got it).

And the transmission line, after all those years, was open, the transmission line was open.

And now we don't go to priests, and we don't go to doctors, or people with letters after their names. We come to people who have been there, we come to each other.

And we try.

And we don't have to die.

– Anonymous

This is the one story Pam gave me, and we never figured out where it came from. Whoever you are, thank you.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Never Alone

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off, and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.

Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. 'My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.'

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.

'My husband passed away eight days ago,' I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. 'Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.'

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear, a soft halo encircled her blond hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. 'These are for you,' she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. 'When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for.' She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn't alone.

Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was His angel.

Thank you friend for sending me this, I know I'm never alone.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Thankful, Atmosphere, and more...

Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.

If you appreciate life, share this with your friends, and even people you don't know.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings.
Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible.
Thank you, Lord , that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising.
Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.
Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in magazines, and the menu is at times unbalanced.
Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous.
Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day, and wish my circumstances were not so modest.
Thank you, Lord, for life.

Pass this on if you choose. It might help to make this world a better place to live, right?

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure, and someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.
Thank you Lord, for these gifts.

Atmosphere (Song title)

once I had a halo,
but then it caught on fire

once I knew a good man,
but he turned into a liar

once I saw a blind man
still looking for his eyes

once I met a bastard
who watched his father die

and now
I'll tell ya how
I know them all

I'm looking down on the atmosphere
I took my number and I waited in line

I'm not frail from the exposure
I'm taking pictures with my mind

once I met a leader
born from genocide

once I knew a preacher
to his faith he said goodbye

once I met a good girl
who shows her face no more

it's hard to learn your lesson
when you've become the whole worlds whore

and this is how
I know them all

looking down on the atmosphere
looking down on the atmosphere
I took my number and I waited in line

– Shinedown, "us and them"

I related to this song so much the first time I heard it, it reminds me of where I've been, and can return to if I don't actively apply my program. It also reminded me that I am never alone or unique.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fufilled among us–sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." pg 83 & 84, AA

Thank you God for putting exactly what I need in my path everyday.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Three Things

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back...
Time, Words, Opportunity

Three things in life that may never be lost...
Peace, Hope, Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable...
Love, Self-Confidence, Friends

Three things in life that are never certain...
Dreams, Success, Fortune

Three things that make a person...
Hard Work, Sincerity, Commitment

Three things in life that can destroy a person...
Resentment, Pride, Anger

Three things that are truly constant...
God, Self, Others

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg — not by smashing it." — Arnold Glasow

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Gifts from Pam & Sue

Morning! I hadn't read some of these tidbits, poems and stories in a while, but I remember who gave them to me. Pam (my sponsor from CA) sends me many words of encouragement and hope, I asked God and Most Caring are from her.

Beauty Regime was given to me by Bob R., Sue's husband. I meet them both in my Calif. AA meeting, they were a loving AA couple with many, many years of sobriety, and touched many, many lives. They both will always have a special place in my heart, here is why... Sue had an aneurysm in the morning meeting, it happened right in front of me. She grabbed my hand, sat down, and said she didn't feel well. Her face turned flushed, and she was sweating profusely. I tried to comfort her, and get her help, others called 911, and prayers started immediately. She looked me in the eye and said, "Please call Bob, tell him I love him, that I worry about him, but I know he knows the right thing to do." She passed out after that, and never woke again. Over the next couple of days there was tons of prayer, and sharing of how much she had given so much of us. I was given one last task by God and Sue, and that was to relay a message to Bob.

This all had happened on Friday, and I was leaving town Tuesday. No one could get a hold of him, and I patiently waited, worried I wouldn't be able to see him before I left to relay a last message. My husband told me not worry, he would relay the message if I could not, and so I accepted that. Monday morning Bob walked into the meeting with his family. It was a very heartfelt meeting, full of love, compassion, understanding and hope. Bob sat quietly with his kids and listened, at the end of the meeting he thanked everyone. I swallowed hard, and asked God to not let me cry until I relayed Sue last words, and God was there for us. As I approached Bob he took one look at me and said, "You were the one with her." "Yes, and she wanted you to know - "I love you, that I worry about you, but I know you know the right thing to do." He thanked me, and gave me the biggest bear hug, and tears rolled down are checks.

Two weeks later Bob gave me the poem Beauty Regime, he had been going through Sue's things. She had many poems from over the years, she was a school teacher, and he continued finding more in dressers, books, cupboards and such. He said this poem reminded him of Sue and me, and that it was one of her favorites kept on the dresser. I pass it out to woman still today, and thank Sue, Bob and God for the lesson I learned in early sobriety about hope, love, compassion, accountability, and reaching out to others.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

I ASKED GOD...

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve...

I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things...

I was given sickness, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy...

I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men...

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life...

I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men, most richly blessed!


BEAUTY REGIME

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

MOST CARING

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.

Some favorite Poems, quotes I came across...

There are at least 2 people in this world whom you would die for.
At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
The only reason anyone would ever hate you,
is because they want to be just like you.
A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
You are special and unique.
Someone who you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look.
Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember....
when life hands you lemons, ask for water and sugar and call me!
Good friends are like stars........
You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

"Whenever God Closes One Door,
He Always Opens Another...
Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"

It's better to give one rose, and a kind word to a friend while they're here, than a whole truck load when they're gone. Always remember to "stop and smell those roses"

I've been really busy, sorry, but life is just to much fun. I was asked the other day "What is my favorite journey?" I replied, "this life." Even with all the rough bumps in it, I wouldn't be who I am, nor where I am today!


Blessings & Love,
KIimberly

What's Going On... cont...

So the last line of that quote was "This is a process of deflation (to undo)." I have to deflate my ego, my selfishness, my trying to control. All I can do is my program. Live the 12 Steps in my whole life, continue working with others, and continue my conscious contact with a God of my understanding.

"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." My only problem is not alcohol, it is the problems of my own making, the bad learned behaviors, and character defects. The only way to get healthier is to work on my 12 Steps, apply the knowledge in those 12 Promises to my whole life, continue to acknowledge my bad behaviors and not react to them, and work with other alcoholics, all the while doing God's will and not my own.

"We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets." So what I realized tonight while talking to one of the women was that I am making a mistake by trying to work his program, again. Remember that 1st paragraph I wrote. I have to be patient, work my program only, pray to God for His will for me, "have tolerance, love, and spiritual understanding" towards my husband, and just be patient and see what God has in store."Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding principle."

"We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done." My husband lead me into the program of AA by working his 12 Steps, working with his sponsor and others, by improving his conscious contact with a God he understands, and he patiently waited for almost 3 years for me to hit my bottom. Not once in all that time did he tell me what to do, or to quit drinking, or that I was a drunk, he just waited patiently with God.

Now it's my turn to do the same. Thank you God, and all those who work a program and help me along the way.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

What's Going On...

Well, I've been posting a little about what is happening on the homefront, so I thought I would go into more detail, and explain the problems and solutions I'm applying.

My husband and I are both alcoholics by our own admissions. He became sober Oct. 5th of 1999, and I finally got it on June 20th 2002. He continued to do what he needed to in order to stay sober. I continued drinking for almost another 3 years, but when I did hit my bottom I knew where to get help. Things were moving along for both of us, each working our steps, working with our sponsors, and attending meetings, both alone and together. We try never to work the others program, trust me it's not a fun experience. We then decided to move from California back to Ohio.

This is where things started to change for both of us. I started attending meetings here on a daily basis, and have made lots of new friends, and worked with other alcoholics. I continue to search out a God of my understanding, and broaden my spiritual condition. I continue to pass on the Steps to other alcoholics (women), and give away what was so freely given to me. I try to apply the Steps to my life (whole life), but here lay the problem, and my frustrations. The following had started occurring over the last 3 - 5 years, and became very noticeable (resentments) to me in this last year. He has attended 2 meetings since we moved here, he has worked with one alcoholic since we moved, he does keep in touch with a few AA friends from his home group in California, and he tells me he prays everyday. The intimacy in our relationship is nil, and I feel more like a room mate then a wife. Of course my "itty bitty shitty committee" in my head started up, I started to feel inadequate, I started to feel let down, I felt maybe he was in trouble, whenever we argued it was my fault, etc.... Are you starting to see a pattern. "I". It's not all about me. So this is what I've been doing.

I continue to work with others, attend meetings, study my Big Book, and search so I can keep expanding my spiritual condition.

The women in the rooms suggested that I ask him direct questions to certain things, and really listened to what he said. If I am not sure what he said, ask him to repeat it again, and then tell him what my brain interpreted so I know we are both on the same page. Sounds long and drawn out, but it sucks, if he says something like "I wanna go on a trip south to see relatives", and what I hear is "I wanna go south on vacation by myself cuz I don't want to be near you." See how my brain still can project old thinking.

Well, he really did take a motorcycle trip, I couldn't go with him because it's real hard to find someone to watch three parrots, but when he was ready to go I was happy for him. He has had major back pain for about 5 years now, he has 11 herniated disks, half of them are ruptured, the cold and excessive activity make it worse, and wear him out physically for days to weeks at a time. When he decided to buy the bike, "I'm concerned, won't it hurt your back?" He told me, "No, the way the bike sits is real comfortable, and I don't go very far." So I'm thinking this bike is a great new outlet for him. He has had to stop playing numerous sports that he loved because his body just can't, it's hard for him to sleep, work in the yard, sit for extended periods, etc... So off he goes, calling me daily, telling me the fun he is having, and he isn't complaining about the pain even when I ask. Then four days before he is to start the return trip, he's feeling tired, in lots of pain, and is having to ride 30 minutes and stop for 30. Well my brain kicks in to high gear, "it's not really his back it's you he doesn't want to come home to." See why I call them the "itty bitty shitty committee", dropped me right back into my selfish ways.

So I found out after much searching, inventory, and 5th step action, that I had stopped doing things because I'm reacting to him, and listening to my own SELFISH heart. I stopped hugging and kissing him because I felt rejected, stopped sleeping in the same room because he would toss and turn at night , I stopped calling him when on my way home (he knew where I was). I felt like a care taker not a wife, doing a lot of the chores (not all), and being compensated by being able to work out of the home. I would feel, irritated when talking or doing something with him because my resentments were building up.

A friend suggested I read "The Family Afterward" again. To this friend "THANK YOU!!!!!!" I had forgotten how much info was in there to help with our problem. The following in quotes are taken from Chapter 9 - The Family Afterward, pages 122 - 135, from the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

"All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance (endurance or permitting of freedom of opinions differing from our own), understanding (to comprehend, to grasp without explanation), and love (fondness that delights or captures the mind, pre-eminent kindness). This is a process of deflation (to undo)."

Had I been tolerant? No, I was trying to make him see my way only. What he's telling me is that he is OK, that he is comfortable in his own skin, and that he is doing what he needs to on a daily basis. Whether he is telling me the truth or not, I don't know, and it doesn't matter - I AM NOT GOD. To be tolerant - I have to permit and accept that he has opinions different then me, and respect those opinions. I do not have to share them or endorse them.

Had I been understanding? No, again I was trying to make him understand my point of view. He is doing things in his program that work for him, they might not work for me, but I don't always fully grasp something without explanation. Again, whether he is telling me the truth or not, I don't know, and it doesn't matter - I need to learn to become understanding, and when I don't fully grasp something ask questions.

Finally, had I been loving? No, not entirely. I would talk to him and get the silent treatment. I would try to be intimate, and get rejected. I would try to kiss or hug him, and be rebuffed. My ego was tired of being rejected, so I gave up. He would tell me that it's because of his back pain, or that he is tired, or that he can't talk to me without us having a fight. Whether he is telling me the truth or not, or it's all just excuses, it doesn't matter, I love him still, and hope the best for him everyday.

(I had no idea how long I had been going on... I will have to continue this in another post)

Tonight I am going to see a sponsee get her 3rd year Anniversary coin - she has no idea how much she's helped me.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

What I traded in...

A women I met when I moved here, and who scared the shit out of me, has given me a lot. Not in the sense of money, property, etc..., but in her sharing, reaching out, being selfless. She was an old timer from my home group, and about a year ago she moved away, not far, but life continues, and God has put new people in our lives. I got to visit with her again, it's been over six months since I saw her last. Tonight I am going to take a page from her, and share it with you.

What I traded in...

I traded in a dark bar, for sunlit rooms.
Blackouts for memories.
Sorrow for happiness.
Doubt for faith.
Death for life.
Bullshit for honesty.
Loneliness for friends.
Black soul for God.
Contempt for open mindedness.
Greed for sharing.
Hate for love.
Pain for surrender.
I traded all this in and more,
when I stopped being a drunk,
and became a member of AA.

Thank you Donna, and all the women in AA who came before you, and for all the ones after us. We keep sharing, loving, hoping, growing, dreaming, sharing, and passing on this message.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Twinkle in your eye...

You walk in the room, and your eyes light it up.
You've got something I want, a peace, a serene calm, a huge smile.
You share your story with me, and it's very funny.
You're as crazy in the head as me, and I feel at home near you.
You know how serious this life is, and you don't downplay that fact.
You share your story with me, and it gives me hope.
I see that we're still crazy, but today it's in a different kind of way.
You see me walk in the room, and your eyes light up.
You tell me kid, I think you got what you want.
- me

Saw Ab last night, it was so good to see him. He's feeling really good for being 150 years old (ha ha - he's really in his 80s). His share was awesome as always, I never grow tired of hearing him. I'm like him in the fact, that I too want to laugh today. Back when I was drinking, I found very damn little to giggle about, let alone be happy. Today, right now, this moment is all I have, and I am going to make the most of it all. He always tells me "You don't have to do what I did to get here, (he drank for 40 yrs) there is hope. You don't have to loose it all - family, friends, business, etc..." I know what he says is true to, I see people at different bottoms coming in all the time, and finding the help they need. He almost always shares this story, and I'm going to pass it on because I think it's a really good one. I hope you enjoy.

"The wisest man in the world"
There once was the wisest man in the world, and he lived on the highest mountain. One day two little boys thought, "We'll trick that wise man, and show him who's smarter." The two little boys said, "We'll catch a little bird, and when we go to the wise man, we'll ask him what is in our hands?" "He will reply a bird." Then we'll answer him, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" If he says, "It's dead, we'll let the little bird go, if he says it's alive, we'll crush it and kill it, proving him wrong either way." We'll show him who's the wisest. So they catch the little bird, and up the mountain they go.

The boys get to the top, and they have the little bird in their hands. They ask him, "Old man what do we hold in our hands?" The man replies, "You hold life." The boys ask, "Yes, but is it alive or dead?" The man replies, "That's up to you, it's in your hands."

Today, I know that my sobriety is in my hands, with God and AA's help, I have the power to choose "Life or death." Today, even when it gets tough like it is right now, I choose LIFE. Thank you God, and thanks to all the Angels you sent before me to help me today.

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly

Weird, but good day

I haven't been writing lately, but that's OK, just been busy. Yesterday was a good day, but I was in a weird mood. One minute really happy, the next mad, then crazy, depressed, and round and round it went. This damn brain is trying to kill me, it just won't quiet itself. As a good friend of mine says, "The itty, bitty, shitty committee is working overtime". Did tons of praying and meditating to God for guidance.

Met with (P) yesterday, she's gone through the same thing I am going through right now. God puts the right people in my path and helps me every time. Things with hubby are at a stand still. I've finally realized that all I can do is pray for him, be kind to him, do what I do on a daily basis to stay sober, and hope that my example helps. He's in God's hands right now, and that's right where he needs to be.

Last night when my brain wouldn't shut off, I lay there in the dark, and thought of this, please be kind, I'm not a writer.

Miss you...

I miss your kiss, and the strong arms that hold me,
I miss your warm breath on my neck, and your gentle whisper in my ear,
I miss your strong hands, that could lift, and hold me,
I miss your funny stories, as we lay spent in bed.

I miss the way you would go out, and help others,
I miss the way you would sit with them in thought,
I miss the way you could entertain others,
I miss the way you would do this, as we all sat, and had brunch.

I don't know where you've gone, but I understand why,
I don't know why it's happening, but I can't question God,
I don't know what's going to happen, that's up to you and God,
I don't know when it's happening, but we'll be here if you should fall.

– Kimberly

I asked (P) to be my new sponsor, she knew it was coming (the look on her face was really cute). Her and I are so alike in a lot of ways. She laughed, and said "yes", she told me "You're low maintenance", boy is that something that's changed in my life, I was always a high maintenance pain in the ass for so long. I'm really excited about this new step in life, my old sponsor and I will still keep in touch, but every year, it was getting harder for both of us (she's in California & I'm now in Ohio).

Anyway, my sponsor, said I'm doing most of the right stuff in regards to hubby, and gave me some suggestions I hadn't thought of, or heard from others. She said it was really good I was reaching out to others, instead of carrying this burden alone. I'm working to stay out of self pity, and keep on a positive upswing; praying, meditating, working with others, applying the steps to all my life, setting an example, and repeat and rinse! Ha Ha! But sometimes, the pity creeps back in, I wallow for awhile, then move on, and tell God to handle it, cuz I sure can't! This always snaps me out of it pretty quick, sorta like the 2X4 God applies to my head when I'm really dense.

Enough from me today. I'm looking forward to this evenings meeting. A real good friend of mine from out of the meetings area is leading tonight. He has an awesome message, he's very ornery (as sure as God made little green apples), and lights up the room as soon as he enters. The twinkle in his eyes is what attracted me the most to him, I wanted what he had! He's very humorous in his lead, but has that very serious undertone of what this (AA program) is all about, and how it saved his life. I can't wait to see him, and thank God for putting him in my path! I attend a lot of different meetings, in different counties, and have met a lot of wonderful people. The group is in for a real treat tonight!

Blessings & Love,
Kimberly